


Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart

by annella



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-09
Updated: 2010-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-08 19:32:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annella/pseuds/annella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's life isn't perfect, but he's happy enough. He has friends (well, one friend and one roommate), a prospective career (if he can pass this stupid, stupid test which requires him to be able to talk to people), a sex life of sorts (with guys who are <i>total</i> jerkfaces and think Jensen is a dork, which is actually true), and a life-size Dalek costume with a voice modulator which lets him EXTERMINATE things (like the toaster). Then, out of nowhere, he also has Jared (gorgeous, wonderful, socially retarded, and already taken), and his life turns upside down in the blink of an eye. For the first time, Jensen has found what he wants, but how is he going to get it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[big bang](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/big%20bang), [fic](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/fic)  
  
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_**Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part One**_  
[Master Post](http://annella.livejournal.com/1061203.html) | **Part One** | [Part Two](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060294.html) | [Part Three](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060568.html) | [Part Four](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060827.html) | [Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060965.html)

Jensen keeps his Dalek costume in the corner of his room, next to the computer desk. He tells people it's there because it doesn't fit in his closet, or because the arms are useful for hanging stuff on, but the real reason is to test people out. He's still waiting for someone to see it and say, 'Cool, a Dalek costume!' instead of, 'what the hell is _that_?' but he's sure it will happen eventually. It's a truly _awesome_ costume. Jensen had to have it custom-made, because most Dalek costumes are either completely lame or only available in children's sizes. But it was totally worth the extra expense, and it even has a voice modulator inside it so he can say EXTERMINATE with that awesome Dalek reverb.

Sometimes, when Steve is out, Jensen puts it on and prowls around the apartment, EXTERMINATE-ing the appliances. He hopes Steve never has reason to look behind the new bookcase in the living room; the suction cup turned out to be a little stronger than Jensen had anticipated, and there's a nice round tear in the wallpaper.

About once a month, Steve drags Jensen out to a party with him. It would be every weekend if Steve had his way, but Jensen is nothing if not stubborn about his anti-social tendencies. Once a month is about all Steve can get him to agree to. Jensen gives in once a month because otherwise Steve gets bitchy and refuses to wash the dishes.

Jensen honestly has no idea how he managed to become close enough friends with Steve for them to share an apartment. He thinks that maybe Steve keeps him around because Jensen makes him look cool and awesome by comparison, and he knows that Jensen's never going to try to steal any of the girls he has sex with. But every time Steve takes him to a party, Jensen ends up wondering if Steve actually secretly hates him.

Jensen doesn't really like talking to people he doesn't know, which tends to suck a whole lot because, for some reason, people like talking to Jensen. He tries to be as off-putting as possible, sitting in the corner and glaring at people, or hanging out in the kitchen with the food, but it doesn't always work, and strangers come up to him and try to engage him in conversation. Usually about movies Jensen hasn't seen, or music he doesn't like, or sports he doesn't watch. It's tedious.

Sometimes he has alcohol instead of soda, because he's so bored and frustrated that alcohol sounds like a good idea. He doesn't do that very often, because he dislikes the way he doesn't have complete control over himself. These are usually the times that Jensen wakes up in some guy's bed with a massive headache and somewhat blurry memories about who the person next to him is. It's humiliating and frustrating, and the sex is never that good anyway because they're both drunk.

The worst thing that happens at these parties is when the guy Jensen wakes up next to seems really nice, because it invariably turns out that he only had sex with Jensen because he's hot, and even though he is usually the one who asks to see Jensen again, he's also the one who turns out to be a complete dick who runs a mile when he finds out just how weird Jensen is.

Jensen gets really tired of guys thinking he's not worth getting to know better. He's not _that_ bad, is he?

~

It's not that Jensen doesn't like people. He likes people just fine, as long as those people are far away from him and not trying to make him normal. Jensen is usually quite happy, thank you very much. He has two people who he can call friends, he is doing really well in his physical therapy degree, and he even gets to have sex occasionally, although he could do without the depressing aftermath. There is nothing wrong with the fact that he would rather spend a Friday night watching his Doctor Who DVDs than going out drinking, and if he is quite happy to go a week without talking to anyone, that is no one's business but his own.

Danneel gets him. She's awesome, and Jensen's incredibly glad they broke up, because now they can be friends without all that awkward relationship stuff getting in the way, not to mention the sexuality issues that Jensen finally came to terms with while he was with Danneel. She doesn't think it's weird at all to prefer your own company, and she even comes over sometimes on Friday nights while Steve is out scoring and getting high so they can watch sci-fi together.

"I can't believe you think Mitchell is more awesome than O'Neill," Jensen sighs as they watch one of his favorite Stargate episodes. He really misses Jack O'Neill, and sometimes scours the internet for good fanfiction in which O'Neill never left the team. He likes to think Danneel doesn't know this, but it's hard to hide shit like that from her. The girl's too damned intuitive for her own good.

"It was unexpected," Danneel admits. This is an old conversation, one they've had a thousand times before, but it's comfortable, and they can have it while watching the show and not miss anything good. "I didn't want to like him, but then he was just so _awesome_. Also, he looks hot with Daniel."

"Weirdo," Jensen mumbles. He refuses to rise to the bait; he's been a die-hard Jack/Daniel shipper since the first episode, and Danneel never tires of making fun of him for it.

"So did Brian call you?" Danneel asks nonchalantly a short time later.

Jensen sighs and shakes his head, staring at the television screen so he doesn't have to look Danneel in the eye. "We only went out on that one date."

"You could call _him_."

"Don't want to. He thinks that American Football should be the compulsory religion for everyone living in the USA."

"You're exaggerating."

"Only slightly," Jensen mutters. "I swear, the moment I started telling him about what _I'm_ into, his eyes glazed over and he started checking out the waiter."

"Ass," Danneel says. She puts her arm around Jensen's shoulders and pulls him close, ruffling his hair. "And baby, you aren't weird. You're awesome."

"Tell that to every single other person in the world who has ever met me," Jensen says, feeling unnaturally morose. Brian _had_ been a dick, but he was just the latest in a long string of dicks, and Jensen is fucking tired of this. "God, I just want someone who's nice and isn't going to judge me for being who I am."

"Hate to break it to you, but you're never going to meet that person if you keep going out with Steve. He only knows man whores."

"I know," Jensen groans. "But where the hell else am I going to meet someone? You're no help; your friends are all girls."

"There's no one in your classes who you like?"

"Tried that already. If my ideal mate is doing physical therapy at Pacific, he is not in any of my classes."

"Speaking of, did you get that assignment done? You sounded freaked out the other night."

Jensen sighs and burrows his face into Danneel's neck. "Yeah. But I'm going to fail the next one."

"Why's that?"

"We have to demonstrate patient empathy. And I don't get to do my hospital placement after spring break if I fail."

"Oh god."

"I know."

"You're going to fail _so badly_."

"I _know_."

"Like, you'll get negative marks."

"_I know!_ Shut up!"

Jensen turns his attention back to the television, wishing they had classes on How To Be A People Person.

~

The best ideas always arrive at three in the morning. Jensen sometimes thinks that people should all sleep during the day and work during the night, because then they would be able to take advantage of the three AM brainwaves. Like the one Jensen had just now, the one which was so adamant about its wonderfulness and truthfulness that Jensen had to get out of bed to implement it. He finishes up fairly quickly and is back in bed and asleep again within half an hour. By the time he gets home from his classes the next day, he's almost forgotten about it until he opens his email.

"Holy shit!" he yelps.

"What? What is it?" Steve asks, coming in from the kitchen to peer at Jensen's laptop screen. "Dude! Stop looking at porn in the living room!"

"I'm not looking at porn," Jensen says, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen. It's like a trainwreck.

"There's a giant picture of a dick on your screen. You're looking at porn." Steve shudders and heads back to the kitchen.

"Not porn!" Jensen yells after him, finally managing to go to the next email. There are almost sixty new messages in his inbox, most of them from the dating website he signed up with last night. "God, what have I done?" he murmurs to himself, skimming through the emails. Almost every single message is along the lines of 'ur hot, wanna hook up?' and Jensen deletes those without even bothering to reply. He's relieved to find only two more messages with pictures of penises in them, but he's seriously disappointed that none of the people who messaged him even bothered to read the profile he put up.

He logs into the dating website again and takes his picture down. Hopefully this will mean that people actually read his profile instead of only reacting to his picture. With a sigh, he opens up Word and gets to work on his assignment on patient empathy. This is going to _suck_.

"Hey, Steve?" he calls after a short time.

"You're not jerking off, are you?" Steve yells back from the kitchen. He's been hiding in there for the past half hour, and Jensen hasn't heard any sounds of cooking or cleaning.

"It wasn't porn! Someone just emailed me a picture of their dick, okay?"

"You're weird, Jensen," Steve grumbles, coming out of the kitchen. "What do you want?"

"Can you, um, pretend to be a patient?"

"What?"

"I need to learn how to deal with people! And you and Danneel are the only people I talk to so I need to practice on someone, okay?"

"Do I get a free massage?"

"No! Look, just sit in the chair and pretend that you've hurt yourself. I dunno, like that ankle injury you had last year."

"Don't you get to practice this at school?" Steve grumbles, but he sits down like Jensen asks.

"Not enough," Jensen sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. His practical is in three days, and if he can't show that he has even a scrap of bedside manner, he's going to fail. That's the kicker—Jensen is a fucking _awesome_ physical therapist. Everyone he's ever worked on tells him so; every instructor he's ever had has given him excellent marks and high praise. But—and Jensen has come to really hate that word—he'll never pass his course if he can't develop the ability to empathise with his patient. He's lost count of the number of times he's completed a practical and been informed that _that was really good, Jensen, but you need to work on your patient empathy._

"Spacing out is _not_ gonna help you," Steve says, and Jensen grimaces.

"Okay. Um. Tell me what the problem is."

Steve launches into the story that Jensen already knows; he was coming off stage when he caught his foot in some badly-laid cords, and while trying to keep his balance, he twisted his ankle so badly it dislocated. It happened over a year ago, and Jensen can still remember how white with pain Steve had been that night. They'd had to carry him into the emergency room, where the doctors popped the ankle back into place with surprising ease.

"Are you listening to me?" Steve snaps, and Jensen blinks. Shit, he hadn't been listening, he'd been thinking about the cute doctor who'd worked on Steve that night.

"Yeah. Yeah. Sorry," Jensen mumbles. He pretends to examine Steve's ankle and walks him through some basic exercises to strengthen the muscle without putting it at risk of dislocating again. When they're done, he looks at Steve expectantly, who frowns back at him.

"You're right, you _suck_ at this," he says.

"What? I did everything right!" Jensen says sharply.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Technically, maybe. But on a personal level, you failed completely. You didn't put me at ease. I was seriously tense and worried, man. You didn't commiserate, you didn't try to make me feel comfortable. "

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Small talk. Show some interest. Act like you care about me."

"But I'm not trying to be a friend," Jensen replies, feeling as confused as he always does at this point. "Why should I make small talk to someone who I don't even know, and am never going to be friends with?"

"Doesn't matter," Steve says. "Just _try_."

"Thanks," Jensen says dully. "I guess I should practice my small talk."

"Come out with me tonight, I'm going to Tom's to watch the game."

"No thanks," Jensen replies. "You know I can't stand Tom. And I still haven't quite gotten over the last time I went out with you." He grimaces, remembering Brian and what an ass he had been.

"Your loss, dude," Steve says, getting out of his chair and patting Jensen on the shoulder. "Have fun with your porn."

"It's not porn, I signed up at a dating website!" Jensen says angrily.

"A dating website?" Steve asks, a frown on his face.

"Yeah," Jensen sighs. He hadn't meant to tell Steve. "I figured I'd give it a go. Can't hurt, right?"

"Any good ones?" Steve asks, sitting down again and grabbing Jensen's laptop. He opens it up before Jensen can stop him and clicks over to his email. "Whoa. You got heaps of replies!"

"Unfortunately," Jensen says, snatching his laptop away from Steve, "the ones who _didn't_ send me pictures of their dicks are imbecilic retards who can't even string a sentence together."

"Dude, if a girl sent me a picture of her boobs, I would _so_ be there," Steve says thoughtfully.

"And that is where you and I are different," Jensen points out. "I'm not a slut."

"It has its upsides," Steve says with a grin.

"Don't you get sick of taking advantage of girls who just want to sleep with you because you're in a band?" Jensen asks.

"Nope, can't say I do," Steve replies. "Why, do you get tired of people sleeping with you just because you're hot?"

"Yes!" Jensen explodes. "There's no connection, no intimacy, you get nothing out of it except an orgasm!"

"I like orgasms," Steve points out. "And I don't have to buy her flowers or chocolate or shit."

"You're useless," Jensen sighs, refreshing his email to see if there have been any messages since he took his picture down. He's surprised to see that there _is_ one—and even more surprised to find that there are no spelling errors and that the guy has not once resorted to text speak.

_Hi, you sound kind of interesting, and I can't resist a Doctor Who fan. Hope your day is going well._

"Hmm," Jensen says thoughtfully and clicks over to the guy's profile. He has a blurry picture, showing a guy with curly hair and a wide smile.

"Hey, he's not too bad," Steve says, peering over Jensen's shoulder.

"Fuck off," Jensen mumbles. "Don't you have a party to go to?" He opens up a reply screen and wonders what to say to the guy.

_Hey! Nice to hear from someone who can spell. ;) My day's going okay, I've got a practical assessment on Monday that's freaking me out but apart from that it's all good. How about you?_

It's kinda lame, Jensen has to admit, but he's new to this whole internet dating thing. He figures that he can be as lame as he wants.

Once Steve has left, Jensen climbs into his Dalek costume and scoots around the apartment for a while. It's a good end to the week, even when Danneel arrives before he can take it off and nearly falls on her ass laughing while he struggles with the headpiece.

~

The guy who messaged Jensen is called Jason. He's a music student who plays his guitar in a coffee shop some evenings for extra cash. Jensen is worried that he's going to turn out to be another Steve, with the music and the partying and the sleeping around, but Jason assures Jensen that this is not the case.

Jensen may have panicked a little and interrogated Jason about his views on loud parties and sports and being a man-whore. He's a little embarrassed by himself, but figures that if Jason is freaked out by all the questions then it's obviously not meant to be. Jason just seemed amused, in a good way, which is a definite step up from the befuddlement and nervous laughter which is the usual response Jensen has from people when he gets freaked out.

After a weekend of trying to occasionally think about his practical on Monday but mostly failing because of the mingled excitement and terror in his stomach over what Jason might be like, it's almost a shock to find himself standing next to one of his classmates with a lecturer in front of them, holding a clipboard and looking very serious.

Jensen gulps. His tutor had told him last week, in no uncertain terms, that if Jensen did not pass this practical—his last chance to prove that he can be a people person when necessary, _last chance_, do you understand?—then Jensen would not be allowed to proceed to the hospital placement, and would subsequently fail the doctoral program. The idea of failing a program that he worked his ass off getting into makes Jensen want to throw up, so he squares his shoulders, grins at the girl who is going to be his patient, and gets started.

~

"Oh my god," Jensen wheezes.

"Shit, Jensen," Danneel says. Her voice sounds like it's coming from far away, and Jensen feels her hand, warm and reassuring, as she rubs the back of his neck.

"I, uh, I think I might be okay now," Jensen says after a minute of trying to breathe steadily and not hyperventilate. He slowly raises his head from between his knees and leans back against the couch.

"Was it that bad?" Danneel asks, concerned. "Did you—did he fail you?" She keeps rubbing, and Jensen's glad of the contact.

"I don't know. I don't _know_ and I won't find out until tomorrow and he didn't give any indication at all, no smiles or frowns or _anything_ and oh my god I think I'm going to throw up."

"Hey, calm down," Danneel says, pulling him in for a hug. Jensen concentrates on breathing slowly, burying his face in her chest.

"Boobies," he says, indistinctly.

"Shut up," Danneel laughs. "You're not supposed to appreciate them anymore."

"They're aesthetically pleasing, and you're wearing a low-cut top," Jensen points out, looking up at her. "Also, warm and snuggly." Just because he's gay doesn't mean he can't appreciate boobies.

"Speaking of boobies, do you want to watch some Stargate Atlantis? I brought my season four DVDs."

"Ooh," Jensen says, perking up. Teyla's boobies in the latter part of the season are epic; he'd go straight for those babies.

~

A couple of hours later they've moved from Stargate Atlantis to Doctor Who; Jensen even managed to get Danneel to agree to watch Blink. There are empty containers of takeout on the coffee table, and Jensen's changed into his Transformers pajamas. They always help him relax when he's tense, a lot like his Dalek costume but slightly more socially acceptable.

"I fucking hate this episode," she mutters for the millionth time, grabbing hold of Jensen's arm.

"You love it," Jensen disagrees. He's about to poke Danneel in the side when his phone beeps.

"Dude, who's texting you?" Danneel asks. Jensen's surprised too; the only people who tend to text him are Danneel and Steve, and Steve's in bed with a migraine.

"Probably my mom," Jensen replies, fishing around in the couch cushions for his cell. "I told her about my practical. She's probably panicking and making plans for when I fail and have to go home."

"Your parents are so supportive," Danneel notes cynically.

"Tell me about it," Jensen mutters, finally finding his cell and flipping it open. "Oh."

"What? What is it?" Danneel asks, leaning over to try to read. Jensen pulls away, laughing.

"It's Jason." He'd included his cellphone number in the last email he sent to Jason over the weekend, his stomach sinking a little when he clicked 'send'—he really hopes that giving a stranger from the internet his cellphone number isn't going to backfire on him.

"Ooh! The mystery man you've been emailing all weekend!"

"Yeah," Jensen says, smiling despite himself.

"What did he say?"

"'Hope your practical went well, I'm sure you did great'," Jensen reads.

"Aww. He's so _sweet_. What's wrong with him?"

"Why does there have to be something wrong with him?"

"Because he sounds too good to be true. Is he ugly?"

Jensen considers. "No, he's not. He's kinda cute."

"Hmm," Danneel says thoughtfully. "You gonna meet him?"

"If I tell you something really lame, will you laugh at me?" Jensen asks, not looking at Danneel.

"Jensen, you _know_ I'm gonna laugh at you. But I won't judge you, I promise."

Jensen scowls. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Danneel twists around on the couch and folds her legs up underneath her body, facing Jensen and looking gleeful. "Spill. What new lame thing can I add to the list?"

"I, um. I did some research in the weekend. On small talk." He glances up, but Danneel just looks mildly amused. "And I found this website and it was _great_ and really helpful and it was for people who speak English as a second language. And I took notes."

"Oh, Jensen," Danneel says fondly. "Was this for your practical?"

"No, it wasn't!" Jensen says. "I want to meet Jason, but I don't know how to talk to strangers."

"You go out on dates all the time," Danneel points out. "Just the other weekend, you went out with Brian."

"Yeah, but we'd already had that intimate connection of his dick in my ass. Once you've had someone's—"

"Please, _please_, stop there," Danneel interrupts, a pained look on her face.

"Sorry," Jensen says. "Anyway, I made some notes on small talk and realized that I could use them for my practical as well."

"And did you?"

"Yeah, I did," Jensen says. He frowns slightly. "I hope it worked."

"You researched small talk," Danneel says, a huge grin on her face. "That's the dorkiest, most adorable thing I have ever heard."

"Shut up," Jensen mutters, flipping his cell open again to reply to Jason's message.

_I hope so, find out 2moro! How'd the singing go tonite?_

He gets a reply not even a minute later, and Danneel elbows him in the side and laughs when he flails to grab his cell again.

_Yeah pretty good. U want to come along 2moro nite?_

"Oh god, he's asked me out," Jensen says, suddenly feeling dizzy and a bit sick.

Danneel squeaks, actually _squeaks_. "Oh my god! You're going to say yes, right?"

"Um," Jensen says.

"Say yes," Danneel instructs. "Then I can make you over. It'd be like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but in reverse! I dunno, Straight Girl for the Queer Guy? It doesn't have the same ring to it..."

Jensen's not listening; he's busy texting Jason back, asking for a time and a place, and he sends it off before he can panic and change his mind. The reply comes moments later; 8pm, a bar not far from Jensen's apartment.

"Wait, are you saying there's something wrong with how I look?" he asks, suddenly registering what Danneel had said.

Danneel looks him up and down, taking in the Transformers pyjamas, and raises an eyebrow.

"Hey, I'm not going to be wearing these on the date," Jensen objects. "No one has ever complained about how I look when I go out with them! I dress fine!"

Danneel sighs, amused. "I know you do, Jensen. I was just messing with you. It's way too easy!"

"Oh god, can we just shut the hell up about everything in the whole damned world and finish watching this episode?" Jensen groans, turning back to the television and rewinding the section they missed.

Danneel doesn't say anything else, but Jensen can feel the smugness radiating off her.

~

Jensen isn't going to throw up. He's not. Really. He's just feeling a bit unsettled, is all, probably because he drank his coffee way too quickly. He glances at his watch for the hundredth time and leans against the wall, trying desperately to relax. His lecturer said he'd be in his office at nine in the morning to give out results, and Jensen's been here since half past eight. He tries to relax, tries to breathe deeply and not throw up or pass out, tries to think about things other than the fact that his entire career choice depends on what his lecturer says when he finally arrives.

Unfortunately, thinking of other things leads Jensen to think about his upcoming date tonight. It's not much better, and Jensen slides down the wall to sit on his heels, rubbing his temples and thinking about calming things like ocean waves and cows grazing in paddocks. He checks his watch again; ten to nine.

"Jensen?" someone says, and Jensen looks up, his heart rate increasing so quickly he feels a bit dizzy. It's Dr. Singer, and he's holding a large pile of files.

"Um, hi," Jensen says, feeling awkward and a bit stupid. "I'm a bit early—"

"No, no, that's fine. You can hold these for me while I find my keys." Dr. Singer dumps the files in Jensen's arms, fumbling with his keys to open the door. Jensen can't help but notice the top file; it's the thickest of them all, labelled with ACKLES, J.

"Come in," Dr. Singer says, pushing the door open. Jensen follows, and when the door closes behind him it sounds like a death knell.

~

Danneel finds Jensen sitting by himself in the student lounge later that morning, nibbling on a cookie. His coffee has gone cold next to him.

"Oh God," she says, slinging her bag onto the floor and sitting down next to him. "Was it bad?"

"I passed," Jensen says dreamily. "I get to stay in the program."

Danneel shrieks with delight, grabbing Jensen and pulling him into a hug. He's still feeling slightly dazed; he'd been walking in a fog of shock all the way from Dr Singer's office, and it still hasn't hit him completely.

"We need to celebrate," Danneel proclaims. "Um. How should we celebrate?"

Jensen frowns. "People usually have parties to celebrate. I don't want a party."

"It doesn't have to be a party. Anyway, we can't celebrate tonight, because you have your _date_."

"Fuck," Jensen says, feeling his face drain of color. He'd almost forgotten, what with all the excitement of no longer failing and all. "What am I going to wear?"

Danneel frowns at him. "What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"

Jensen glances at the clothes he took off the pile this morning. His t-shirt says _I ♥ my geek_, and while it's an awesome t-shirt, it doesn't really scream 'first date'. At least his jeans are only on their third wearing and he thinks he can get another two days out of them before they should be washed. "I think I'll change my shirt when I get home—" he starts, but Danneel shakes her head.

"Don't. Be a fucking geek, Jensen."

"But—"

"Don't be someone you're not. This guy already knows how paranoid you can be, and didn't he say he was a bit of a geek himself?"

"Yeah, he did," Jensen says, giving up.

"There you go, then." She glances at her watch and stands up. "Gotta go, sorry. Auditions in fifteen minutes!"

"Oh, hey, good luck for that!" Jensen says, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Thanks. You gonna be okay?"

"Hope so," Jensen sighs. "I gotta go to work." It's not a bad job, shelving books at the library. He gets to wear headphones and not interact with people, but it's so boring that Jensen has plenty of time to think about everything that is wrong with his life.

~

Steve is skeptical, to say the least.

"You met him on _the internet_?" he asks disparagingly.

"Uh, yeah," Jensen says. "Remember I told you last week that I'm trying out internet dating?"

"But he might be a psycho! Didn't you hear about that girl who flew all the way from, like, Poland or something and the guy she met was a complete nutjob and tried to kill her?"

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Don't be an ass, Steve," he says. "I'm not stupid. Besides, Danneel's coming."

Steve blinks and stares at Jensen. "You're taking your ex-girlfriend along with you on your date?"

"Not really," Jensen hedges. "She's going to arrive at the cafe ten minutes after I do and sit not too far away so she can leap in and rescue me if necessary." It was one of the better ideas Jensen's ever come up with, and for once he's grateful for all the thinking time his job provides him with.

"Wow," Steve says. "That's actually kinda smart."

"I know," Jensen says smugly. "And if he's a complete psycho within the first minute, I'll text her and she'll rush in with an emergency and drag me away." He glances at his watch; he's got plenty of time to shower and change and even watch an episode of something before he has to leave. Jason said to come along at about a quarter to eight, just before he finishes, and they can have a coffee together. Jensen approves of this plan; it's a very public place for a first meeting, and he'll get to watch Jason sing and play his guitar and get an impression of him before they have to talk.

Talk. Oh, god. Jensen grabs his backpack and hunts for the notes he made on small talk before his practical. He wonders whether it would be a bad idea to write possible conversation topics on his hand to refer to in the event of uncomfortable silences.

In the end, he decides not to go that far; instead, he spends a while making up a clever one-word mnemonic of starters, and writes it on the back of his hand.

~

It's quarter to eight, and Jensen is terrified. It's ridiculous; he's been on dates before and hasn't ever been this scared. But his stomach is churning, and he's sweating through his t-shirt, which is just not good at _all_. He takes a deep breath and adjusts his jacket, his glasses, his pants, everything, and checks his appearance in a window. Hair looks good, glasses are fine, and he hopes the bright red flush on his cheeks will go down soon. There's nothing else for it; he crosses the road and enters the small, brightly lit cafe.

It's not a place Jensen has ever been before; it's cosy and small, with tables and couches scattered around and a small platform in the corner which is apparently the stage. There's a guy sitting on a stool with a microphone in front of him, and he must be pretty good at what he's doing, because the crowd is hushed, with only a few people talking in murmurs. Jensen slides into an empty seat near the door and watches. It must be Jason; the picture he'd sent Jensen was a bit blurry, but the curly hair is unmistakable.

He's pretty good; the music is kinda folksy, surprisingly similar to what Steve plays, but this isn't a band, just Jason and his guitar. Jensen is glad of the chance to watch Jason, getting a sense of how he looks and moves. He's not too bad looking; not usually the type Jensen goes for, but he figures that his opinion might change when he actually gets to talk to Jason.

The song ends, and Jensen takes the opportunity to get himself a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. If this was a normal date, he'd be ordering a black triple shot coffee with no sugar or cream, but that always ends up with him being ridiculously wide awake all night. Besides, he's trying to be himself on this date, not be someone he hopes his date will like, and Jensen loves hot chocolate with extra whipped cream. He grabs a couple of packets of sugar as well before going back to his table, where he finds Jason already seated.

"Hi," he says, suddenly feeling incredibly lame and useless.

"Are you Jensen?" Jason asks, smiling hopefully, and Jensen remembers that he never actually sent a picture of himself to Jason.

"Yeah, that's me," he replies, sliding into the empty seat on the other side of the table.

"Oh, thank god," Jason says, sighing with relief. "This guy came in about half past seven and he looked like he hadn't washed for over a week, and I was terrified that it was going to turn out to be you."

Jensen laughs, genuinely amused. "There's a guy in my class like that. I don't know how he can't know how bad he smells! I'm hoping that one day one of the lecturers is going to subtly tell him that he can never be a physical therapist if he stinks."

Just like that, they're having a conversation, and Jensen doesn't need to refer to the mnemonic on his hand once. Jensen talks about the doctoral program he started last year, Jason tells him all about his musical aspirations, and then they get onto Doctor Who. They both bemoan the fact that the latest Christmas Special wasn't all that great, and that the new Doctor is going to have trouble being as awesome as David Tennant.

Danneel turns up not long after they start talking, but she only stays for a couple of minutes when she sees how well they're getting on.

~

"So, how'd it go?" Danneel asks the moment Jensen answers his phone. It's nearly midnight, and he had only just closed his cellphone after texting her to let her know he was home safely. She must have been waiting up for him.

"It was good. Yeah, good." Jensen says, yawning. He kicks his shoes off and heads into his room, looking forward to getting into bed.

"And? Are you going to see him again? He was kinda cute!"

"Yeah. Um." Jensen sighs. "He was nice and everything, and we got on really well, but I'm not attracted to him at _all_."

"Oh man," Danneel says. "That's a shame."

"What do I do if he calls and asks me out again?"

"Tell him up-front. Don't let him get his hopes up."

"Yeah," Jensen says. He's really disappointed; he had got himself all excited and anticipating, and to discover that even though Jason is a nice guy, he's not Jensen's sort of guy, is a bit of a let down.

"Hey, don't be upset," Danneel chides him. "You've only just started this whole internet-dating thing. You can't expect to meet the love of your life on the first go."

"I know," Jensen murmurs. "I'm gonna go to bed now, talk to you tomorrow?"

"Sure," Danneel says.

Jensen clicks his phone shut and closes his eyes. He can't work out what it was about Jason that didn't appeal—he looked fine, he was friendly, he didn't laugh at Jensen's unorthodox habits, and it had been really easy to talk to him.

Grumbling to himself, Jensen strips his clothes off and slides under the covers, hoping like hell that Jason feels the same way about him.

~

Jensen's eight o'clock class the next morning is not enjoyable in any way whatsoever. It's a lecture, not a practical class, and it's only been ten minutes before he gives up trying to pay attention and leans his head down on his books to take a nap. He's distracted by his cellphone vibrating in his pocket, and he flips it open to find a message from Jason.

_Had fun last nite, u want 2 have lunch?_

Jensen cringes. He doesn't particularly want to tell the guy via text message that he's not interested; someone did that to Jensen in the past and it made him feel like shit. He replies with _sure, meet u in union @ 12?_ and spends the next forty minutes wondering how best to say 'you're not my type' to someone.

It turns out that it's just _that easy_. Jason looks uncomfortable when he turns up at lunchtime and sits down at the table Jensen found in the corner of the union. They chat idly for a couple of minutes, and then Jason leans forward, frowning a little.

"Look," he says carefully, "I had a lot of fun last night, but—"

"I'm not your type?" Jensen asks hopefully. Jason bites his lip and nods, looking away. "Thank god," Jensen says, relief flooding through him. "Because you're not my type either."

"Oh man," Jason laughs, "I was freaking out all night and hoping you felt the same!"

"Same here," Jensen says. "God, we're such dorks."

"My roommates and I are doing a Stargate marathon Friday evening, do you wanna come over? We're gonna watch until we fall asleep in our popcorn." Jason says. "I mean, I had fun hanging out with you last night, and it might be good times."

Jensen feels a flash of glee in his stomach. He's made a new friend! He can't honestly remember the last time he became actual friends with a real life person, instead of people on the internet. "Sure!" he says, embarrassingly quickly. "After dinner sometime?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," Jason says, grinning. He scribbles his address down on a piece of paper for Jensen, and they spend an enjoyable hour discussing everything from science fiction to computer games to music. It's relaxing and fun, and Jensen no longer feels disappointed about not wanting to fuck Jason.

~

Jason lives in a three bedroom apartment on the other side of the campus, and Jensen gets lost three times trying to find it. He's almost half an hour later than he said he'd be, and he spends a few minutes trying to think up a good reason to give Jason for his lateness which isn't 'I got lost'.

The apartment door is opened by a guy who is so fucking gorgeous that he can't be real. Jensen blinks a few times, staring, until the guy frowns at him and says, "Are you Jensen?"

"Uh, yeah," Jensen says, trying not to swallow his tongue. Jesus, the guy's taller than he is, floppy hair, almond-shaped eyes, gorgeous smooth skin, and then he grins, and fuck, his dimples are so deep Jensen could lose a finger in there.

"Come in, then," the guy says. "We were starting to think you weren't coming!"

"Got lost," Jensen blurts out and feels incredibly lame for admitting it. He'd meant to say something about saving puppies or helping old ladies cross the road, but this guy has made Jensen _stupid._ He follows the guy inside, noting how well his pants fit him and how wide his shoulders are. Jensen approves, which means this can only end badly. In Jensen's experience, super hot guys he's attracted to are always either straight and awesome, or gay and complete dickheads. He really wishes he could find someone to buck the trend.

"Hey, Jensen!" Jason calls when Jensen comes into the living room. He's sprawled on a large couch, with a beer in hand, and Jensen waves hello to him, noting the other guy in the room. This one is shorter and blond and squinty, and he waves at Jensen before turning his attention back to the beer in his hand.

Introductions are over quickly; the blond guy is Chad, and the tall gorgeous one is Jared. Jensen hopes for a moment that he's going to get to sit next to Jared on the couch and they can maybe flirt a little, but that hope is destroyed when Jared says, "Hey, is it okay if we wait for Sandy? She said she'll only be ten minutes."

Jensen tries not to sigh. Straight and awesome, of course. Jensen's life _sucks_.

"I guess," Jason says with a frown. "Why's she coming, though? She hates Stargate."

Jared looks guilty. "Yeah, uh. I promised her I'd try to spend more time with her, so she insisted that I spend every Friday evening with her. And when I said we were having a marathon she said she'd just come along and be with me that way."

"Dude," Chad groans as he heads into the kitchen, "that _sucks_. She's gonna bitch the whole way through like she did with Firefly!"

"Sorry," Jared says, flopping down on one of the armchairs. He glances at Jensen and grins apologetically. "Sorry," he says again. "My girlfriend. She's a bit... I dunno, actually."

"That's the good thing about guys," Jensen says. "They aren't so confusing." He suddenly stops; how much has Jason told these guys about him?

"So Jason keeps telling us," Chad yells from the kitchen, and Jensen relaxes. Chad comes out carrying an armful of snacks and deposits them on the table in front of Jensen. "Help yourself, man."

There's easy conversation for a while; Jensen forces the disappointment about Jared being straight aside and concentrates on discussing the latest episodes of Stargate Atlantis with the guys. They all agree that the ending was the most pathetic ending of a series since SG-1 finished a while back, and Jensen is quite relieved to hear that he's not the only one who thought the McKay/Keller relationship was contrived and completely pointless. Honestly, if straight guys think that McKay had more chemistry with Sheppard than he did with any of the female characters—well. That says it all, really. Jared's particularly vocal in pointing out all the ways in which Sheppard and McKay were made for each other, and it makes Jensen's own ideas seem superficial in comparison.

They're interrupted by the arrival of Sandy, who lets herself in and announces herself loudly. She's tiny and dark-haired and pretty, but Jensen notices how tense everyone becomes when she comes in and sits down on the floor between Jared's legs. He strokes her hair briefly, and Jensen sees his face change from happy and relaxed to tight and thoughtful.

It's really nasty to hope that someone decides to break up with their girlfriend, especially if that someone is most likely not a fan of sucking other guys' dicks, but Jensen can't help himself. So far, Jared's proven himself to be just as much a geek as Jensen is, if not more so, and in the fifteen minutes since he arrived, no one has mentioned sports even _once_.

There's an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, Chad and Jason looking at each other and rolling their eyes while Jared absent-mindedly plays with Sandy's hair until she bats his hand away and scowls at him. Jensen would not object at all if Jared was to play with _his_ hair, and he doesn't think he likes Sandy very much.

"So which one are we watching?" Jason asks, crawling across to the DVD player and coming up with a huge pile of Stargate DVDs. "SG-1 or Atlantis?"

"Atlantis!" everyone choruses, and Jason sighs. "You guys suck," he pouts, putting most of the DVDs back. "Next question: which season?"

While Jason and Chad spend ages squabbling over which season to watch—Jensen's easy, really, he likes them all—Jared and Sandy talk quietly. She's frowning, probably irritated at having to spend her evening with Jared watching science fiction DVDs. Jared looks frustrated, like he's trying to make her happy and failing, and Jensen sighs quietly. It's a shame to see so much awesome manliness going to waste on a girl who doesn't seem to appreciate what she has.

"Hey, Jensen!" Jason says, waving a hand in front of his face. Jensen blinks at him, realizing he's been caught staring, and tries not to blush. Jason just grins at him, and holds up season four. "You okay with this?" he asks, and Jensen nods.

It's easy to get immersed in the show, and Jensen almost manages to forget that Jared's sitting only a few feet from him. God, what's wrong with him? He's only just _met_ the guy, and he's already twitching and blushing at the thought of him. It's not just because he's hot—Jensen's slept with good-looking people before, and he's learned that they're usually complete assholes to go along with their looks—but Jared is different.

"I miss Sam," Jared says suddenly.

"Seriously?" Chad throws a chip at Jared's head. "She sucked."

"You really prefer Woolsey?" Jared asks scathingly.

"That's pretty gay," Jason murmurs, and Jensen chokes back a laugh.

"It's not!" Chad objects. "She was the worst leader _ever_. She didn't know shit about anyone on Atlantis! Remember how she treated Ronon and Teal'c? 'You guys are both dark-skinned aliens, you should get along great!' Woolsey was _way_ better." Chad flops back in his chair, glowering at the screen.

There's a silence, broken only by the sounds from the television. Jensen glances around the room; both Jason and Jared are staring at Chad, open-mouthed. "Dude," Jason says, "I thought you just watched the show for Teyla's boobs."

"I can have layers," Chad says, sounding a little hurt. "Not everything is about boobs, you know. Why do you think I watch Doctor Who?"

"Rose," Jared and Jason both say in unison.

"Shut up," Chad grumbles sulkily. "New guy! Jensen! Sam or Woolsey?"

"Hey, it's his first time here. Don't put him on the spot," Jason argues.

"No," Chad says, "he has to have an opinion. Besides, you're gay, right?" Jensen nods. "Then Sam's boobs aren't going to get in the way of your opinion. Sam or Woolsey?"

"Woolsey," Jensen says promptly. "I mean, I liked Sam in SG-1, but I didn't like her as a leader. She never really had what Elizabeth had. And I like Woolsey even though I thought he was a complete dick first off."

"Sorry, Jared," Jason says, smirking. "You're outnumbered."

"God, I hate you guys," Jared says. "Sandy, you gonna back me up?"

"Hmm?" she says, glancing up at him and putting her cellphone down. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

Jared sighs, and the conversation ends there.

~

Sandy makes it through one complete episode before she gives up. "I'm going," she announces as the credits roll, pushing Jared's hand off her shoulder and standing up.

"But—" Jared objects, and Sandy glares at him.

"Nice to meet you, Jensen," she says politely, even though she hasn't said a word to him except 'hello' when she first arrived. Jared looks confused, irritated, and he follows her out of the room, closing the door after him. Raised voices can be heard from the hallway, and Jensen squirms uncomfortably.

"Um. What's that all about?" he asks tentatively. Jason and Chad glance at each other and sigh.

"They've been together for like, five years," Jason says. "But I don't think—"

Jared comes back, looking supremely pissed off, and Jason shuts up. "Can we watch now?" Jared asks. He glances at the chair he'd been sitting in, then the empty space on the couch between Jensen and Jason, and chooses the couch. He's huge and warm, his leg pressed tight against Jensen's on the narrow couch, and Jensen doesn't know what to do with his hands.

"Hey, everything okay?" Jason asks, putting an arm around Jared's shoulders and pulling him close.

"I don't know what to _do_ with her anymore," Jared sighs. "I try so hard to do things she likes, and she seemed perfectly happy to come over tonight, and then she basically yelled at me for making her sit through a show she doesn't even like."

"Shit, man," Chad says quietly. Jensen feels supremely uncomfortable; he's walked into the middle of an incredibly complicated situation, and wonders if he should leave. No one says anything else, though; Jason pats Jared on the shoulder and lets him lean on him while they watch the next episode, and half an hour later, they're all back to debating the merits and flaws of characters, plot points, scripts, and everything else under the sun, like the Sandy thing never even happened.

~

Jared doesn't hang around much longer; after another episode, which he didn't seem to pay any attention to at all, he makes his excuses and says he's going to bed. The space next to Jensen is suddenly cold and empty, and he's disappointed. There's another uncomfortable silence when he's gone, and Jensen clears his throat.

"Maybe I should go," he says, not really wanting to.

"No, stay," Jason says. "It's only nine."

"Don't worry about Jared," Chad says. "He's just being a whiny bitch because he's finally starting to realize that he and Sandy aren't gonna be the happily ever after fairytale he's been hoping for."

"That kinda sucks," Jensen says.

"Tell me about it," Jason sighs. "He's no fun to be around. Usually he talks your ear off but he's been in such a shitty mood lately. I wish they'd just break up already."

Jensen doesn't quite know what to say to that, so he turns his attention back to the television.

Chad is the next one to leave, giving the excuse that he's got work in the morning, and Jensen is left alone with Jason.

"Your friends are so much more awesome than mine," Jensen says thoughtfully.

"How so?" Jason asks.

"I live with a stoner musician who goes and gets drunk every weekend and keeps trying to hook me up with jerks. My best friend is my ex-girlfriend who I met because aforesaid stoner musician kept kicking me out of our dorm room to get laid, and she lived next door."

"Dude," Jason says sympathetically.

"She's awesome, though; we like all the same stuff and she's heaps of fun to hang out with. But ... yeah. It's nice to know it's not just me and her."

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Jason suddenly says, "Jared's bisexual, by the way."

Jensen tries to hide the way his heart leaps with excitement, but he's altogether too fast and chirpy when he says, "Really?"

"Really."

"Um, okay. Why are you telling me this?"

Jason raises his eyebrows at him. "You're not subtle, you know."

Jensen blushes. "Shut up."

"Just saying," Jason says. "Give him a month or two. I don't think he and Sandy are gonna last much longer. We're all just waiting for them to figure it out. And when he does, you might have to beat him over the head if you wanna have him. He's not as observant as I am."

"He doesn't seem to be a jerk," Jensen muses.

"Why would he be?" Jason asks, looking confused, and Jensen explains to him in depth how every single guy he's ever been attracted to has ended up a jerk.

"Jared would break the pattern, then," Jason observes, and Jensen nods.

"I'm seriously fucking tired of going out with guys who think that everyone in the world is into beer, sports, and casual sex. That's why I went online."

"I know what you mean," Jason says. "I was going out with this guy, Chris. For like, two years. We broke up 'cause he had to move to fucking England. And it's impossible to find anyone here unless you just want to get laid!"

"I know, man. And whenever I do manage to score a date, the moment I mention what I like, I feel like I'm a nerd at school surrounded by jocks about to beat me up," Jensen sighs.

"Not being into Doctor Who should be a crime," Jason says thoughtfully.

"I know, right?"

"It's a fucking _sin_."

"I have a Dalek costume," Jensen blurts out. Jason stares at him, wide-eyed, and for a moment Jensen thinks he's crossed a line and passed into 'way too geeky,' but then Jason clears his throat and says, "Can I try it on one day?"

~

It's nearing midnight when Jensen eventually gets home. He'd traded his most traumatic dating stories with Jason, and it's a shame there's no attraction between them, because Jason's _awesome_. Jared, though—Jensen can really get behind the idea of hooking up with Jared. Having an actual relationship with him, even. He gets into bed and turns the light off, imagining for a brief moment taking Jared home to Dallas with him, introducing him to his parents as 'my boyfriend', his parents not being upset at all about Jensen being gay.

He sighs; that's never going to happen. One of the reasons he's all the way up here in Oregon is because he's too scared to go home and come out to his parents. He's pretty sure they'll have difficulty with it, and he'd rather wait until he has his doctorate under his belt before he tells them.

His thoughts turn back to Jared; tall, incredibly gorgeous, amazing Jared. The brief smile he gave Jensen, showing off his dimples. The curve of his ass in those jeans, the spread of his shoulders, the waves of floppy hair falling over his face and the back of his neck. Jensen sighs softly and reaches down to touch his half-hard cock, cupping it in his hand and tugging it until it's fully hard. Jared has incredibly long fingers; Jensen imagines sucking on them, licking them until they're dripping, then imagines Jared spreading his legs and slipping those fingers into him, forcing their way inside him.

He chokes back a groan and frantically licks his own fingers, widening his knees and planting his feet firmly on the bed so he can fuck himself with his fingers, shove them deep inside while he jerks his cock. There's precome leaking all over his belly, and Jensen imagines Jared licking it up, nuzzling him gently before sucking Jensen's cock into his mouth.

"Fuck," Jensen whispers softly, hips jerking as he pushes back against his fingers and forward into his hand. It's too hot; sweat is prickling behind his knees and underneath him, and he lets go of his cock to throw the covers back, the cool air of the room making his nipples harden.

The sound of skin on skin is loud in the room, and Jensen bites his lip, imagining his cock all the way at the back of Jared's throat, Jared staring up at him as he sucks and swallows around it, a smile visible in his eyes. Jared's long fingers inside him, rubbing against his prostate, making Jensen want to scream.

He pictures Jared's cock; it's gotta be fucking _huge_ considering the size of the guy and his huge hands. He imagines it sliding into him, imagines Jared holding him down and fucking him, the weight of his body on top of Jensen, his breath warm on Jensen's neck, his hand around Jensen's cock, jerking him off as they fuck. Jensen bites off a groan and comes hard, covering his hand and stomach as he pants and gasps his way through it.

"I am so screwed," he sighs quietly once he's cleaned up and pulled the covers back over him. This crush is going to _suck_.

~

"You went out with the guy, then met him for lunch, then went around to his place to watch DVDs, and now you want to fuck his _roommate_?"

"Okay, that is seriously the worst sum-up of the situation _ever_. In the _entire world._" Jensen glares at Danneel, who just grins at him.

"It's true, though, isn't it?"

"Well, kinda," Jensen allows. "But Jason and I established right off that we don't want in each other's pants, so what's wrong with me wanting to fuck his roommate?"

"His roommate, who has a _girlfriend_, who he's been with for _five years_."

"You're acting like I'm going to fucking jump on him while they're still together. I'm not gonna do that!"

"Please don't," Danneel says, looking genuinely worried. "I don't want to be friends with someone who enables cheating."

"I won't," Jensen says softly.

"Because you know how I felt when Nate cheated on me, and no matter what you think of Sandy, you can't ever put her in that situation, okay?"

"I know. I'm not a dick, Danneel. Which Nate was, by the way."

"Yeah, he really was," she sighs. "And speaking of his dick? It was _tiny_. Like, the first time I saw it soft? I had to turn away or burst out laughing."

"That's awesome," Jensen says, chuckling. "God's way of getting back at cocky guys, I think. The biggest assholes always have the smallest dicks."

"So how big do you think Jared's is?" Danneel asks. She's grinning slyly, and Jensen blushes, thinking about his jerk-off session the night before.

"Judging by the rest of him? Fucking huge. And he doesn't seem like an ass at all, which would make it even bigger." Jensen's eyes glaze over and he spends a few moments imagining it before Danneel pokes him in the side.

"Concentrate!" she says, and Jensen realizes he's driven off the road and into a ditch. He tosses the Playstation controller down and sighs.

[PART TWO](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060294.html)


	2. Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Two

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[big bang](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/big%20bang), [fic](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/fic)  
  
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_**Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Two**_  
[Master Post](http://annella.livejournal.com/1061203.html) | [Part One](http://annella.livejournal.com/1059994.html) | **Part Two** | [Part Three](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060568.html) | [Part Four](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060827.html) | [Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060965.html)

"Hey, Jensen!" someone calls as Jensen passes through the student union. He turns to see who it is and is surprised to see Jared approaching him, a huge smile on his face. He freezes and blushes, wondering what the hell he's going to say to the guy, and hoping whatever it is doesn't come out as 'I jerked off thinking about you the other night and would love to have a meaningful relationship.' He bites his tongue and grins back. "I didn't know you went here, Jason didn't say," Jared says, catching his breath. He looks like he just sprinted across half the campus just to catch up with Jensen, but chances are he was rushing to get somewhere else and is only stopping to say hi.

"Yeah, physical therapy degree," Jensen says. Jared looks really good, all tall and buff with a slight sheen of sweat on his forehead. He smells awesome too, spicy cologne and clean sweat, and Jensen tries not to inhale deeply.

"Oh wow, that's so cool!" Jared says enthusiastically. "I'm doing theater studies. It sounds kinda lame and useless, but I'm in my third year now and I really love it, and I get to do actual real plays which is _so_ exciting! I'm not sure what I'll do with it when I'm done unless I run off to Hollywood and manage to become an actor, but my mom's a teacher and I think it would be awesome to be a teacher if the Hollywood thing falls through, y'know? She teaches English and she's so enthusiastic about it, she loves it, and it would be so cool to have that much enthusiasm about your job! And I really love theater so I think I'd be an awesome drama teacher. So how did you get into physical therapy?"

Jensen's taken aback at the stream of words that poured from Jared's mouth, and he doesn't know if the guy drew even one breath during his tirade. This must be what Jason meant by 'he'll talk your ear off.' "Um," he starts, glancing at his watch to see how long he has before his next class.

"Are you having lunch now? 'Cause I am, do you wanna grab something together? I didn't really get to know you the other night, things were kinda crappy, but if you've got time now it'd be great!" Jared claps him firmly on the back, and all the air rushes out of Jensen's lungs in a _whoosh_.

"Um, sure!" Jensen says, catching his breath and trying not to get too excited at Jared's gleefulness. He's probably like this with everybody he knows. Buoyed along by Jared's sheer physical presence, he finds himself sitting at a table with him a few minutes later, with a tray of food in front of him that he doesn't even remember ordering.

"Sorry, you were saying how you got into physical therapy?" Jared asks around a mouthful, easily picking up the thread of conversation.

"My dad," Jensen says. "He hurt his back in a fall a long time ago and the only reason he's walking today is because he had such an awesome physical therapist. I want to be one of those people."

"Oh wow," Jared says. "That's—wow. I kinda envy people like you, you've got this plan in life, this idea, and you've got this huge motivation and reason behind why you're doing what you do, while I'm just 'oh yeah I like theater and mom's a teacher so I guess I'll do that!' and it just seems so lame in comparison!"

Jensen blinks and shoves a couple of fries in his mouth to give him a moment to regroup. He's never considered it like that before, and most people who he tells his reasoning to are a bit dismissive, like he's trotting out a generic answer that doesn't mean anything to him.

"Um, thanks," he says, smiling. It's impossible not to smile at Jared, with his huge grin and massive dimples, his shaggy hair, his—holy crap. Jensen hadn't really noticed Jared's clothes until now. Jensen is most definitely gay, but he's never really subscribed to the whole idea of fashion, finding it boring and pointless compared to the more important things in life. But Jared's shirt, with its bright pink and orange floral pattern, offends even Jensen's eyes. Now that he's noticed it, he can't stop staring at it, and Jared's words flow over him while he stares avidly at the pattern, his lunch forgotten.

"Hey, Jensen?" Jared says loudly, and Jensen blinks.

"Sorry, I zone out sometimes," he tries to explain. He's lying through his teeth; he never zones out, except apparently when he's confronted by hot guys wearing horrible clothes.

"It's the shirt, isn't it?" Jared says, sounding amused. "I know it's horrible, but I—I dunno. Sandy said that if she saw me wearing it again she'd burn it, and I kinda want to do the opposite of what she says these days, y'know?"

"Why?" Jensen asks, honestly confused. If Jared wants to fix things with Sandy, going against her wishes isn't really going to help.

Jared shrugs. "She's being weird lately. She does it sometimes; we've been together for over five years and every so often she just goes nuts, y'know? I don't even know why and it's _nothing_ to do with PMS because, well, I'm not going into detail because I hardly know you and talking about my girlfriend's periods is just too much information even for me to talk about. But yeah, she just gets annoyed sometimes and shouts at me and I just have to ride it out. This one's lasted for weeks, though, and it's starting to piss me off! I mean," he hastens to add, "she's a sweetheart, she really is. You totally aren't seeing her awesome side, but you'll see how great she is. Things are just a bit weird at the moment, y'know?"

"Dude," Jensen says carefully. "That's kinda nuts. Are all girls like that?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Jared says, slapping his forehead. "I guess you wouldn't really have to deal with this shit, would you?"

"Thankfully, no," Jensen replies. "Other shit, though. Dunno what would be worse, crazy girls and their craziness, or jerkface guys and their stupidity."

"I think dating guys would be easy. Compared to girls," Jared says. "I mean, if I wanted to date you, I'd just have to ask you round to watch DVDs and we'd make out on the couch, right? No stupid rigmarole of dinner and movies and dancing in stupid lame dance bars. God." He leans forward and bangs his head on the table.

"Um, Jared? Is everything okay?" Jensen's slightly concerned; surely it's not normal to unload like this on someone you don't really know, and he doesn't quite know what to say. Also, the line about Jared watching DVDs with him and making out on the couch has made Jensen feel a little dizzy, because that is _exactly_ what he wants to do with Jared.

"Yeah," Jared says, his voice muffled, and he lifts his head up and looks apologetically at Jensen. "Sorry. I overshare a lot. People keep telling me not to but I can't help it, it's like my mouth runs on its own accord without even talking to my brain first, and if I meet someone I tell them my life story within minutes. It's totally okay to tell me to shut the hell up and talk about something less personal. Like, I dunno, the last movie you saw."

"Oh my God," Jensen mumbles. "You're an even bigger social retard than I am."

"Quite possibly," Jared agrees, nodding. "I talk way too much and say inappropriate things a lot. And I say them loudly. And I never respect personal boundaries and I ask stupid questions and say things I probably shouldn't to people I've just met, I don't really know how to stop, so people either learn to deal with me or they just go away." He looks a little despondent, and Jensen falls for him just that little bit more.

"I'm the opposite," he says. "I don't like people and I don't talk to them. I drive people away because they say it's like talking to a wall."

"It totally isn't!" Jared exclaims, sitting bolt upright and gesturing with his sandwich. "You're really easy to talk to!"

"Jared," Jensen says patiently, "you could probably carry on a conversation with a _table_."

Jared looks thoughtful, then nods. "Yeah, I think I could," he says, and laughs.

They move to safer topics after that, and Jensen ends up explaining why he's living with Steve, a guy who's so completely different to Jensen that the idea of them being friends seems insane. "We were roommates back in the dorms," Jensen says. "And we got on, somehow. Even though he was always bringing girls back to the room and putting a fucking sock on the door. I ended up making friends with Danneel—she lived next door and took pity on me sleeping in the lounge all the time."

"And you got to be friends with this guy?" Jared asks, frowning. "Dude, if Chad had done that to me when we were in the dorms, I'd—wait. He _did_ do that to me. The fucker! Why am I friends with him?"

"See?" Jensen says. "Makes perfect sense, in a not-making-any-sense-at-all way."

"It's _weird_."

"Chad seemed cool."

"Chad leaves socks in the fridge," Jared says.

"I—_what?_"

"I don't know either! It's so weird. He says his feet are always too hot so he puts his socks in the fridge to cool them down and I say 'man, just wear flip flops or something!' but no, he likes his socks cold."

"That's crazy," Jensen says slowly. "Completely nuts."

"And he likes to bake," Jared adds. "It's even more disturbing than the socks-in-the-fridge thing. He bakes."

"What's so weird about that?" Jensen asks. He's not averse to occasionally whipping up a batch of brownies. They aren't the best brownies in the world, but they aren't too bad, considering.

"He does it at three in the morning. Says he can't sleep. So he bakes."

"Is he any good?"

"Sometimes. He almost started a fire once, and there was this other time I don't know _what_ he was trying to make, but the brown gunge has been on the stove ever since and we can't get it off. And sometimes he makes perfect cookies and we have them for breakfast. Cookies for breakfast are so underrated. It's an awesome way to start the day. And they're usually still warm, too."

"He sounds really, really... um. Interesting."

Jared nods. "He's a joy to be around. At least, that's what he told us when we bitched at him because he left pizza on the bench and Jason's cat ate it."

Jensen cannot really believe how easily the conversation is flowing. He feels like he's known Jared for ages and finds himself confiding in him, telling him jokes and stories about living with Steve, even telling Jared about his family back home in Dallas. "They don't know I'm gay," he says quietly. "And I'm so far away, I mean, it's over two thousand miles, and I can't exactly afford to fly down there regularly."

"No way," Jared exclaims. "You're from Dallas?" His entire face lights up even more, if that's possible, and Jensen frowns a little.

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh man. I'm from San Antonio! I never thought I'd ever meet anyone else from Texas way up here!"

"Dude," Jensen grins, "I never would have picked it. What happened to your accent?" Jensen knows his own has faded over the nearly five years he's been out of state; he'd consciously tried to get rid of it in a stupid attempt to fit in more, and now hardly anyone can tell where he's from.

"Theater," Jared says, as if it's obvious. "They told me that I'd have to have a more neutral accent if I wanted to get anywhere."

"You did good," Jensen says. "I never woulda picked you, either."

The conversation is going so well that Jensen's surprised when he glances at his watch and sees that over an hour has passed since he and Jared sat down, and he's so late for his class that there's no point in even going now. He says as much to Jared, who looks incredibly guilty.

"I'm so sorry, man," he says. "I get talking and it's really hard to shut me up! You can just tell me if you're late or bored or whatever. Jason and Chad do it all the time. They say they'd have never gotten to any of their classes if they hadn't learned how to shut me up!"

"I don't mind," Jensen hastens to reassure Jared. "It wasn't even an important class, just a catch-up lecture."

"Oh, good," Jared says, relieved. "I'd hate to, like, be responsible for you failing because you missed a crucial class or something. Though if you fail because of missing one class you'd have to be pretty close to failing already. You're not, are you?"

Jensen laughs. "No, but I was last week."

Just like that, they're off again, and Jensen doesn't bother checking his watch again. He only had that one class this afternoon anyway, and he's quite happy to spend the foreseeable future talking to Jared.

It's not to be, though. Jensen's sitting back and letting Jared's rant about Firefly wash over him when Sandy appears out of nowhere, and suddenly, Jared's turned into a solicitous, mumbling, apologizing mess.

"You were supposed to meet me," Sandy says, frowning. "What have you been _doing?_"

"God, I'm so sorry," Jared babbles. "I ran into Jensen—remember Jensen, you met him the other night?—and I completely lost track of time, I'm sorry."

Sandy sighs. She glances at Jensen briefly and nods politely at him, then turns back to glare at Jared. "It's too late now, we've missed the show. God, why can't you be more reliable?"

Shit. Jensen really, _really_ doesn't want to be here right now. He waves lamely at Jared and mouths _see you later_, and Jared manages to give him a quick smile before turning his attention to Sandy. Jensen sighs and heads to the library to do a couple of hours of shelving books, trying to ignore the warm feeling in his stomach. Jared stood Sandy up just so he could hang out with Jensen. That's—well, that's something that Jensen's not going to read too much into.

~

Without really meaning to, Jensen becomes really good friends with Jared. It's weird and also really cool; Jensen usually goes out of his way to not talk to people and not make friends, and suddenly there's this guy who texts him during boring classes, asks him over every weekend to watch DVDs and eat pizza, and generally inserts himself into Jensen's life like he was always there. The only thing that would make it more awesome would be if Jared was his boyfriend as well.

"It's not fair," Danneel says, pouting. "You have this new friend, and I never get to meet him!"

"Aww," Jensen replies, "are you jealous of my new BFF?" He grins at her, and she elbows him in the side, laughing.

"No, idiot. I'm relieved that you're finally realizing that you're not a loser."

"What?"

"You're different," Danneel muses. "You don't hunch your shoulders as much. You smile more. You're chatty instead of sullen. I—oh God. Oh God, you're in love with him, aren't you?"

"No! Shut up."

"I mean, I thought you just wanted to have sex with him, but you talk about him all the time, it's always Jared this and Jared that, and you're in _love_ with him, Jensen."

Jensen sighs and closes his eyes. "It's a problem," he admits.

"Damn right it's a problem. He's still with Sandy, isn't he?"

"Yeah. But I don't know how much longer they're going to be together."

"Shit, that sucks," Danneel says, pulling Jensen in for a hug.

"I know. I mean, how horrible a person am I to hope that someone breaks up with the girl he's been with for over five years?"

"Um, a normal person? It's called 'jealousy' and 'being human'. You want Jared, Sandy's in the way, you want her out of the way to get your goal."

"God, my life sucks," Jensen moans.

"No, it really doesn't," Danneel says sharply.

"What?"

"I'm so sick and tired of you moaning about your sucky life, because honestly, Jensen? You've got an awesome life. You have friends who you can talk with about anything, you have a fairly nice apartment considering you're a student and Steve's a struggling musician, you have hobbies that you're really into, and you don't let people's opinions change the way you live your life. And you're going to be a _really_ good physical therapist, so stop fucking moaning about your life."

Jensen's taken aback by her tirade. "I thought you were supposed to pat me on the head and say 'poor baby'," he says nervously.

"I know," Danneel sighs. "I'm just—you need to see how good you've got it."

"Hey, is something wrong?" Jensen suddenly realizes that he's hardly asked Danneel anything about how her life is going at the moment and feels like an awful friend.

"Yeah, no," Danneel says, looking down at her hands. "I'm just worried about my theater paper."

"Jared does theater," Jensen starts, but Danneel interrupts him.

"Can we talk about something _not_ related to Jared for a while?"

"No, I was going to say—he's a year ahead of you, he's probably done the paper you're having trouble with. He might be able to help out."

"Oh my god," Danneel says, her face lighting up. "Can you ask him? Because seriously, I've got a performance test coming up and it's kicking my _ass_. I'd really like to be able to continue with theater next year and I _have_ to pass this. Changing your major when you've almost finished your degree sucks, Jensen. I wouldn't recommend it."

"I'll ask him tomorrow," Jensen says, grinning. "He's meeting me for lunch, you want to come along?"

"And get to meet the amazing, wonderful Jared? Definitely!"

~

Jared's happy to help, which doesn't surprise Jensen in the least. Jared's the sort of guy who probably helps old ladies cross the road and rescues squirrels and birds. Of course he's going to help Jensen's friend ("She's hot, if that helps." "It's a bonus.") with her studies.

Jensen's terrified that Danneel's going to let something slip, that she's somehow going to accidentally blurt out 'Jensen's in love with you, by the way' while they're discussing stage directions or lighting or whatever it is that theater studies people actually learn. He knows he's being stupid—Danneel wouldn't do that to him—but he's still nervous and tense when they're waiting for Jared to meet them.

"Calm down," Danneel says. "I'm not going to try to steal your boyfriend."

"He's not my—" Jensen stops himself; Danneel's grinning. She's fucking teasing him again, and Jensen glares at her.

"Hey, sorry I'm late!" Jared bowls up, dumping his bag on the table and flopping down on a chair. He looks like he's been running, and Jensen rolls his eyes.

"Don't tell me, you ran into someone and got distracted?"

Jared flushes slightly and looks guilty. "Shut up, it's not my fault."

"You keep telling yourself that," Jensen laughs. "This is my friend Danneel, Danneel, this is Jared."

"I noticed," Danneel murmurs and grins at Jared, who reaches over and grabs her hand, shaking it firmly while patting her on the back with the other. She looks a little surprised at the treatment, but doesn't object.

"I'm gonna let you guys get acquainted and talk about all your theater stuff," Jensen says, grabbing his own bag and standing up.

"Sure!" Jared says, flashing his dimples and making Jensen's heart beat a little quicker. Danneel winks at him and waves, and Jensen leaves, hoping he hasn't made a mistake.

~

"So? How was he?"

"God, I can see why you're in love with him," Danneel sighs, and Jensen clenches his cellphone tight in his fist.

"You're not—"

"No! No. Don't panic. He's way too loud for me. I like my guys to be a little more soft-spoken and better dressed. But I can see why you think he hangs the fucking moon."

"I'll get over him," Jensen says wearily. He's been telling himself this for weeks, yet every time he sees Jared, whether it's a chance meeting at school or a scheduled evening of watching DVDs, he falls in love just that little bit more.

"But yeah, anyway, he was super helpful!" Danneel continues, and Jensen suddenly remembers the reason he'd introduced them in the first place. "He completely aced this paper last year, and he explained it all so well, and I know what I'm doing now!"

"That's great!" Jensen replies, trying to sound enthusiastic, trying not to let his stupid crush—if it can even be called that anymore—get in the way of being happy for his friend.

"Oh, hon," Danneel sighs. "You want me to come over and comfort you?"

"No," Jensen says in a small voice. "I don't think I want even you to see the depths of moping to which I am planning to sink tonight."

"Go put your pepper shaker on, then," Danneel says fondly. "Go make some dents in the walls."

"I will. 'Night."

"G'night."

Jensen's Dalek costume is a work of art. It should be, considering he spent the entire summer of his freshman year working fifty hours a week just so he could afford it. It's larger than the Daleks used on Doctor Who; Jensen's above-average height made that a necessary aspect of design. He's quite proud that there is not a single scrap of cardboard or cheap, malleable metal in its construction; it's sturdy enough that he's unlikely to ever dent or damage it by accident.

It fits together cleverly in three pieces. The front comes off so Jensen can climb in and settle himself down on the well-designed kneeling stool inside. He then attaches the front again and closes the headpiece, shutting himself inside and peering out through the narrow gaps of the headpiece.

There's a sophisticated radio-controlled mechanism inside for operating the wheels, and the amount of money Jensen has to spend on batteries is worth it—whenever he shuts himself inside the costume, he's able to sink into his own world, moving around the apartment and sometimes acting out scenes with his life-size cardboard cutout of the Tenth Doctor.

Tonight, though, he can't put his real life woes out of his mind. He tries to tell himself that Danneel's right, that he's got it really good: friends, career prospects, a nice apartment, and he's by no means ugly. Also, he gets to have Jared as a friend, which he should be content with.

"AHH!" he yells in frustration, the Dalek reverb echoing around the apartment with a mechanical shriek. He climbs out of the costume and carefully stows it back in the corner of his room—it's just not working tonight. He glances at his watch and sighs; it's not even eight o'clock, and he wishes someone else was here to occupy his mind. Even Steve would suffice, but he's at a band practice and won't be home until late.

His cellphone beeps at almost the exact moment he has that thought, and he grabs it with relief.

_r u busy?_

It's from Jason, and Jensen heaves a grateful sigh.

_no, unless moping &amp; wallowing in self pity counts_ he replies.

_come over, chad got s5 of sga 2day!_

It's Monday night, but his classes don't start until ten tomorrow. Jensen flicks off a reply and goes to grab his keys. An evening spent pining over Jared is no fun if Jared is not there to be pined over.

~

Jared's not there. Jensen tries to hide his disappointment and is distracted for a few seconds by the beauty of the DVD set. Eventually, though, he has to ask.

"No Jared tonight?" he says as casually as he can manage.

"Nah, he and Sandy have a thing," Chad replies, oblivious to Jensen's discomfort. Jason, though, glances at him and frowns briefly before standing and beckoning for Jensen to follow him to the kitchen.

"Dude, you know I think it'd be awesome if you and Jared hooked up, but you gotta give him time," Jason says quietly.

"God, I know," Jensen sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. "This is the first time I—" He stops, feeling like an idiot.

"First time what?"

"Don't laugh."

"I won't, I swear."

"I think I kinda love him," Jensen whispers.

There's silence for a moment, and Jensen chances a look at Jason. He's frowning, biting his lip in thought. "You're kinda screwed," he eventually says.

"Tell me about it."

"Come on," Jason sighs, "Chad will start without us if we don't get back in there."

Jensen makes himself comfortable on the couch again, and even manages to lose himself a little in the show for an hour or so. That's when Jared gets home, slamming the front door and rustling around in the hallway before coming into the living room. He looks like hell; face dark with anger, jaw clenched, hair all messed up, and Jensen frowns, worried.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks without thinking.

Jared flops down on the couch next to him and sighs. "Sandy and I broke up," he says quietly.

"Aw, shit," Chad groans, pausing the DVD. "Sorry, man."

"You okay?" Jason asks, passing him the bowl of pretzels. Jared grabs a handful and shoves them in his mouth, chewing carefully for a while.

"Yeah, no, I don't know," he eventually says. "I mean, it's not like we've been getting on lately, is it? We spent most of our time fighting. It's been kind of inevitable."

"What happened?" Jensen asks, then bites his tongue. Not exactly the most appropriate question to ask.

"We were late to our dinner reservation because I got the address wrong," Jared says. "It wasn't a big deal, we were only ten minutes late, but she turned it into this huge thing about how unreliable I am. Then she got all quiet and broke up with me in the car on the way home."

Everyone sits in silence, unsure what to say. Jensen's feeling a riot of emotions; relief that Jared is finally single, sadness that Jared's so obviously upset by it, excitement that now Jensen might have a chance. It's confusing, and Jensen settles for leaning over and pulling Jared into a hug. It's not the first time he's hugged Jared; hell, it's Jared's standard greeting now that he and Jensen know each other. This time, though, Jared doesn't let go. He clings to Jensen and buries his head in his shoulder, and all Jensen can do is rub his back and let himself be hugged. He tries not to think about how warm and solid Jared is, how good his body feels pressed against Jensen's.

"Are you okay?" he asks quietly. Jason and Chad have left, which makes Jensen feel a bit weird—Jared's _their_ roommate; Jensen's only known him for a few weeks, so why have they gone and left Jared with him?

"I will be," Jared mumbles into Jensen's shirt. "Sorry." He sits up and wipes his eyes, and Jensen looks away, giving him a moment to get himself together. There's a small damp patch on his shirt, but he doesn't care. "It's been five years, you know? And I knew this was coming, hell, if she hadn't done it first I probably would have done it soon. But that only makes it _slightly_ easier."

"Hey, it's okay," Jensen says, patting Jared on the back. "I mean, I don't know how you feel because I've never dated someone for longer than a couple of months, but I can try to understand if it'll make you feel better."

Jared laughs, sudden and bright. "You dated Danneel, right? What happened there? Were you trying to be straight?"

"Not _trying_ to be. Thought I _was_ straight. Then I realized that her boobs weren't really very interesting to me, and dude, you've seen her, right?"

"Definitely gay," Jared agrees. "Her boobs are awesome."

"It's kinda funny. I touch them more now than I ever did when we were dating."

"What, you didn't, um." Jared trails off, and blushes.

"Just ask it," Jensen sighs.

"Did you ever have sex with her?"

"No," Jensen replies. "I've never had sex with a girl. Ever."

"But you've had sex with guys, right?"

Jensen's suddenly irritated. What business is it of Jared's who he's had sex with? "What's it to you?" he snaps.

"Sorry," Jared says quickly, raising his hands in apology. "None of my business."

"No, no," Jensen say quietly, his anger dissipating. He can't stay angry around Jared, it's physically impossible. "Sorry. I've slept with guys, yeah. Usually when drunk. I've never _dated_ a guy, though."

"Me neither," Jared sighs. "I sometimes wonder what it's like."

A heavy silence falls; Jensen doesn't know what to say. He desperately wants to ask Jared out, but he figures that now is probably the worst moment _ever_ to give it a go.

"Chad has season five of Atlantis," Jensen says, changing the subject.

"Oh, cool!" Jared says, obviously willing to move on from the uncomfortable moment. "Speaking of, where did he and Jason go?"

"I think they ran away when you started crying like a girl," Jensen says.

"Shut up."

"My shirt is damp."

"Shut up!"

"You didn't snot on me, did you?" Jensen makes a huge deal out of examining his shoulder, looking for snot stains, and Jared laughs, elbowing him in the side. It turns into a wrestling match, and Jensen is hopelessly outmatched by Jared's strength and size. His situation isn't helped by the way he comes over all dizzy when Jared lands on top of him on the floor. He's immediately aware of how _huge_ Jared is, how firm his muscles are, and the sensation of being completely overpowered goes straight to Jensen's dick.

"No sex in the living room!" Chad yells, coming back in with a six pack of beer in his hand. Jared bursts out laughing and climbs off Jensen, sprawling out on the couch and reaching out a hand to help Jensen off the floor. Jensen's blushing and stammering, hoping Jared doesn't notice his hard-on, but lets Jared pull him up and settles next to him. Close, but not too close. Jensen reminds himself again that Jared's just broken up with his girlfriend of five years and now is not the time to hit on him.

"Where's Jason gone?" Jared asks, popping open a beer and passing it to Jensen.

"Gone to get pizza. He'll be here in ten minutes, told us to start without him."

"Awesome," Jensen says. This evening is turning out _great_.

~

He jerks off again that night; nothing unusual, nor is it unusual that he thinks about Jared the entire time. This time, though, Jensen can't help but feel incredibly guilty about it; Jared was really upset, and now all Jensen can think about is that he's free, that now he can date Jensen, and the thought that he might finally get to do all the things he's been thinking of is enough to make Jensen come hard, suddenly, drenching his sheets and hand. He curses under his breath and goes to mop up, forcing aside the guilt and going to sleep with Jared's face in his mind.

~

"How long are you going to give him before you ask him out?" Danneel asks bluntly, right after Jensen tells her what happened the night before.

"Dunno. What's an acceptable period of time to let him get over her?"

"It was a mutual thing, right? It wasn't unexpected? I'd probably give him a month or so, see how he's going. You don't want to push him."

"I never realized dating someone could be so tricky," Jensen sighs.

"Honey, you have _no_ idea," Danneel says wryly. "Hey, speak of the devil."

"Are you stalking me?" Jensen calls as Jared approaches them, tossing his bag down on the ground and sprawling out on the grass next to Jensen, a wide grin on his face.

"I was going to ask you the same!" he replied. "I never saw you before in my life, now I see you everywhere. Hey, Danneel."

"Jared! I was hoping to see you, I had my performance test this morning and completely aced it, thank you so much!"

"Hey, congrats!" Jared says, looking genuinely pleased for her.

"Anyway, I have a class to get to, so I'll leave you guys to catch up." Jensen glares at her briefly—he knows for a fact that she doesn't have class for another two hours—but he can't really complain about having Jared all to himself.

"How are you doing?" Jensen asks quietly once Danneel has gone.

Jared's silent for a moment. "I'm going to be okay, I think." He rolls onto his side and props himself up on one elbow, looking down at Jensen. The sun's behind him, and Jensen has to squint, peering at Jared's face surrounded by a halo of light. "We talked on the phone this morning, and she did the whole 'we can still be friends' thing, and you know what? I kinda believe it. Once we've gotten over breaking up. I mean, you and Danneel managed to be friends, right?"

"We were never really more than friends," Jensen says thoughtfully. "We dated, yeah, and made out and stuff but we were so much better off as friends that it was easy to go back to it. The gay thing kinda helped, too." He pauses, frowning. "I dunno how easy that'll be for you and Sandy. I'm guessing you guys have a lot of history."

"Yeah," Jared sighs, flopping back down on his back. "We'll work on it."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"You mean, how am I going to survive being single after five years?" Jared laughs briefly. "I dunno. Although to be honest, it's not going to make much difference to my sex life."

"Oh god," Jensen mutters, closing his eyes.

"I can't remember the last time we had sex," Jared says quietly. "That should have been a sign, but I didn't see it. Chad told me he's been watching us fall apart for almost a year. Jason too. Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"How could they have told you? Would you have even listened? Other people can't tell you when you're headed for a break-up. You have to come to that realization yourself."

"Wow," Jared says wryly. "That's really fucking deep. Did you read that in a book?"

"Shut up," Jensen grumbles, yanking some grass out of the ground and tossing it in Jared's direction. "Same thing happened to my sister a couple of years ago. She had this boyfriend, they'd been together since junior high, and none of us could understand why it took her so long to realize what a dick he was and how the relationship wasn't going anywhere. I tried to tell her once, but she just yelled at me for interfering."

"If Chad had tried to interfere, I probably would have punched him in the face," Jared says thoughtfully.

"My point precisely."

"I think... I think I _am_ okay," Jared says slowly. "She hasn't ripped my heart out of my chest. She hasn't hurt me. I mean, yeah, it fucking hurt last night, but it was the shock more than anything, I think."

"Random sex doesn't help," Jensen blurts out, then immediately wishes he hadn't said that.

"What?"

"Um. Don't go and have lots of random sex. It doesn't help. That's what people say, anyway. And take it from me, random sex isn't as much fun as you'd think."

"Why, do you have a lot of random sex?" Jared's leaning up on his elbow again, grinning down at Jensen. The sun's hot on Jensen's face, but he can't blame that for the flush that covers his cheeks.

"No. Well, not really. It's Steve's fault!"

"Steve makes you have sex?"

"No! He'd take me to stupid parties and I'd get drunk out of sheer boredom, and take it from me, drunk gay sex is not much fun." God, why can't he stop talking? All he has to do is just close his mouth and not open it ever again.

"Interesting," Jared says, obviously trying not to laugh. "Tell me more."

It's not Jensen's fault he has no self-control around Jared. It's seriously not his fault that he can't ever say no to anything Jared asks. "The sex was always bad. And you know what the worst part was?"

"What?"

"When I liked the guy. We'd go out on a date, and I'd think I was onto a good thing, and he always, _always_ turned out to a worthless dick who thought I was weird and stupid, and he'd run away from me as fast as he could." Jensen covers his eyes with his arm; he can't look at Jared right now.

"Dude," Jared sighs. "You do realize that most guys would love to be able to pull as much ass as you seem to, without the commitment thing?"

"Wanting commitment is not weird," Jensen snaps. "It's not stupid or useless or something that people should run away from. And besides, it wasn't the commitment thing that drove these guys away. They were always idiots who didn't think past the next keg of beer or the next party. They didn't give a damn about what I liked, and usually tuned out when I told them."

"Wow," Jared says. "You do realize that you're better off without them, right?"

"I know! I just get sick of people judging me based on how I look and then thinking I'm not worth it when they actually get to know me. I'm _weird_, Jared. I have strange hobbies. I don't like sports. I prefer to spend my evenings watching television or playing computer games than going to bars and getting stupidly drunk. I'm not—I don't fit in. And it's tiring."

"Seriously?" Jared looks completely bemused when Jensen chances to look at him again. "You think you're weird? Because you _aren't_. There's nothing weird about you. You've just been hanging out with the wrong people. I mean, hell; if you're weird, what does that make me?"

_I've found the right people now,_ Jensen thinks. "A freak," he says reassuringly.

"Wow, thank you for that vote of confidence."

"I refuse to change for people," Jensen says quietly.

"Don't. And stop hanging out with people who make you feel like you _should_."

They're silent for a while, and Jared eventually lies back down and sighs. "I feel like I need to chug some beer and scratch my balls after all that," he says.

"We could talk about football," Jensen suggests. "I hear that's what manly men do."

Jared grunts, then farts. It's really fucking loud, and Jensen's glad they're outside. "Does that count as manly?" he asks, and Jensen doesn't know if he's ever going to be able to stop laughing.

"Hey," Jared says quietly a while later, "what are you doing for Christmas and New Year?"

"Going to see Josh," Jensen replies. "He's in New York; I told him I was just going to stay here for the break and he yelled at me and then booked me some flights to spend vacation with him."

"Awesome!" Jared says. "I'm staying here. It'll be me and Chad and the biggest turkey we can afford."

"You're not going home?" Jensen asks, catching the fake excitement in Jared's voice.

"Nah," Jared says. "I don't really think I could deal with my family right now. They'll be all over me, and I just need time to myself, y'know?"

"Yeah," Jensen says quietly. "I know what you mean." Time away from Jared; that's what Jensen desperately wants, but at the same time, he's dreading it.

~

"Have fun with Chad," Jensen says, smirking a little.

"I plan to," Jared shoots back. "He makes an awesome chocolate pie; we're gonna spend the week lying around the apartment and eating!"

"That sounds pretty good, actually," Jensen concedes.

"What the hell are you gonna do for a week in New York?"

Jensen snorts. "Are you kidding me? It's New York! And Josh probably has the entire week planned down to the minute. He's like that."

"Have fun, then," Jared says, stepping close and wrapping Jensen up in a bear hug. Jensen smiles against his shoulder, wishing he could never let go, wanting to feel Jared's body snug up against his own forever.

He lets go about ten years too soon, claps Jared on the shoulder, and grabs his backpack before heading through the doors to security, turning to give a smile and a wave just before the doors close behind him.

~

It's Christmas Eve, Jensen's been in New York for two days, and he misses Jared like crazy. He's trying to keep the endless texting back and forth to a minimum, but it's difficult when Jared likes to tell Jensen what he's up to almost all the time.

_caught chad watching porn. my brain!!_

been sitting on couch all day watching merlin. my ass hurts. :(

the store down the road is out of candy canes! :((((((

chad made brownies. :D you wish you were here to eat them, bitch.

went for a run and froze my balls off.

"You gonna tell me who that is?" Josh asks. Jensen flicks his reply off, a grin on his face, and puts his phone away before glancing at Josh.

"Who what is?" he says evasively.

"The guy you've been texting almost non-stop for the past two days. C'mon, I'm not stupid."

Jensen sighs and rubs his face, glancing around the familiar living room, with its huge tree in the corner and the roaring fire. He remembers when he first came here during his freshman year, a nervous wreck, and confessed his sexuality to his older brother—Josh had just moved into the apartment then, and Jensen felt like a stranger, uncomfortable in the unfamiliar space, but Josh's unquestioning acceptance of him had made the place safe. Whenever he's here, he feels warm, comfortable, and at home.

"He's just a friend," Jensen says.

"Whatever. I don't know anyone who gets that sort of smile on their face when they're just texting a friend."

"No, he really is," Jensen sighs. "I just want more from him, is all."

"Ah," Josh says delicately. "He straight? Got a boyfriend already?"

"Bisexual, apparently," Jensen replies. "But he just broke up with his girlfriend of five years. Like, a week ago."

"Dude."

"I know."

Josh wordlessly refills Jensen's wine glass. "You think you got a chance if you give him some time?"

"I dunno," Jensen says morosely. "He's really physical and affectionate—he's always hugging me and touching me—but he's like that with everyone. He's the first guy I've ever really wanted, and I don't know if I can ever have him."

"At least you're in with a chance, even if it's a small one," Josh points out. "I mean, he could still be with her, planning a wedding. Or he could be completely straight. Or worse, he could have a boyfriend."

"He's so amazing," Jensen says. "We talk about everything. I feel completely comfortable around him, and you _know_ how uncomfortable I get around people. I can talk to him, I don't just clam up like I do with everyone else in the world. I just don't know what to _do_."

"Be his friend," Josh says. "It's all you _can_ do at the moment."

~

The first thing Jensen does the next morning, even before he gets out of bed, is open the present Jared gave him before he left. He has no clue what it is; Jared had been grinning widely when he gave it to Jensen at the airport, and Jensen bursts out laughing when he tears the paper open to find an action figure of Captain Jack Harkness. There's a note with it, which just makes Jensen laugh even harder.

_Merry Christmas! I was going to get you one of the Doctor as well but I thought you would probably make them do indecent things to each other._

"Awesome," Jensen says to himself and grabs his cellphone to call Jared.

"Oh God, it's four in the morning," Jared groans when he picks up after almost a dozen rings.

"Shit, sorry!" Jensen feels stupid; of course it's going to be several hours earlier in Oregon. "I, uh, I wanted to say thanks for the present." He's got a huge grin on his face; he wedges the phone between his shoulder and his ear and rips his way into the packaging, pulling the action figure out.

"You like it, then?" Jared sounds ridiculously pleased.

"You're kidding, right?" Jensen laughs. "You know how I feel about Captain Jack. Hey, you gotta open yours now!"

"What, right now?"

"Yeah, go on."

There's a rustle from the other end of the line, and Jared comes back a few moments later. "Okay, here goes," he says, and Jensen hears the sound of tearing paper, followed by a yell of glee.

"You got me a Doctor figure! A fucking Doctor! Oh man, this is so cool! How did we end up getting each other almost the same thing?"

"Great minds, man," Jensen says. "And now I can put our action figures together in incriminating poses and take photos of them."

"Oh, God," Jared groans. "No. Please, no. We can make them act out scenes, but I don't know _any_ scenes in either Doctor Who or Torchwood where Jack got it on with the Doctor!"

"Bitch, you know it happened," Jensen says.

"Yeah, probably," Jared concedes.

"Hey, I'm gonna get up, I should let you get back to sleep."

Jared snorts. "I'm wide awake now, you ass. I might as well get up and go bother Chad."

"Go do that," Jensen says. "And have a good day. Eat lots and drink lots and hate yourself in the morning!"

"You too, man," Jared says, his voice soft and warm, and when he hangs up, Jensen can't stop grinning.

~

Jensen spends the days between Christmas and New Year visiting his favorite places in New York—the Apple store, which he drags Josh along to despite his complaints, the Natural History Museum, which he honestly thinks he could spend an entire week exploring, and of course, ice skating in Central Park. He takes his camera along to the Empire State Building and tries to find where they might have filmed the Doctor Who episode set in Manhattan, and when he and Josh head out to Liberty Island, he takes photos of where the TARDIS landed. He doesn't care how dorky it makes him; when he texts Jared to tell him what he's doing, he gets a reply of _awesome!! :D_

New Year is quiet; neither he nor Josh are very big on wild parties, and they go out for dinner before coming home early and watching movies until late.

"You want to go down to Times Square, watch the ball drop?" Josh asks at around eleven thirty.

"Nah," Jensen replies. He saw it last year; the crowds were insane, and he doesn't really feel like he needs to see it again. "I'm gonna give Jared a call."

"You are _so_ gone for him."

"Shut up," Jensen mutters, heading to the guest room and getting his cellphone out of his pocket.

He talks to Jared until it's almost midnight; he's at a party with Chad, surrounded by people he doesn't know, and is ridiculously drunk, slurring his words and talking too loudly.

"Hey, when're you comin' home?" Jared asks after they've been talking a while. "It's lonely without you, man."

"Two days," Jensen replies, sighing. He usually enjoys the time he spends in New York and doesn't want to leave, but now all he can think about is getting on the plane and seeing Jared again. It's ridiculous; they're just friends, but Jensen can't help it.

He heads back into the living room at five minutes to midnight and watches the ball drop on the television.

~

"Jensen! Over here!"

Jensen looks around, trying to see over the sea of people, and easily spots Jared off to his right. He tries to keep the stupid grin off of his face when he goes to meet him, but it's impossible, and when Jared wraps him up in a bear hug, Jensen just pushes aside his common sense and goes with instinct, hugging him back tightly.

"Missed you," Jared mumbles into his hair, and Jensen just sighs and holds on tighter. He doesn't know how much longer he can keep doing this, keep just being Jared's friend, and he resolves that sometime very soon, he's going to have to ask Jared out.

"Are you sure?" Danneel asks when he tells her later. Jared had dropped him off at his apartment and he'd called her over immediately, needing to talk to someone about the entire situation. "He's only been broken up with Sandy for, what, three weeks?"

"Two," Jensen sighs. "And I'm scared of pushing him. I really don't want to lose him as a friend if he doesn't see me that way. But I can't just stand by for much longer."

"I know, hon," Danneel says, patting his knee.

~

The awesome thing about Fridays is that Jensen's classes don't start until after lunch. It's almost like having a three day weekend, or the nearest thing to it without it actually being a three day weekend. So he gets a bit of a shock when his cellphone beeps at 7.30am, waking him from a deep sleep.

_going 4 a run, ur coming, b there in 10!_

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," he groans. No fucking _way_ he's getting out of bed three hours before he normally would, to go for a run with Jared. Fortunately, unless Jared has magical powers, he's going to find it difficult to get Jensen out of bed when Jensen doesn't answer the door.

Ten minutes later, there's a knock at the door, and Jensen snuggles further under the covers, grinning to himself. He can outlast Jared, he can—what the hell? He hears the door open, hears voices, hears fucking Steve open the door to Jared and let him in. This is _not fair._

"Rise and shine!" Jared yells, coming into his room and flicking the light on.

"Go away!" Jensen shouts back from underneath the blankets. He refuses to poke his head out; the moment he sees Jared it'll all be over for him.

"Nu-uh, dude, you're coming with me."

"I hate running!" It's really _warm_ in here, warm and cosy.

"You love it, you told me you go running every day."

"Every day _in the afternoon_, dickface."

"Oh, come _on_," Jared whines, and the bed dips when he sits down. Jensen clutches the blankets tightly around him in case Jared tries to pull them off. "It's a really nice day!"

"It's Friday. Friday does not start until midday."

"Don't make me pull the covers off you," Jared says warningly.

"I wouldn't if I were you," Jensen replies. "I'm naked under here."

There's a silence, and Jensen blushes hot in the darkness. Again with the not being able to keep his mouth shut; why does he say such stupid things?

"I'm not sure whether that's an incentive or not," Jared says thoughtfully.

Jensen doesn't reply, not entirely sure what he wants Jared to take it as, and eventually Jared sighs. "Fine," he says. "Be a lazy ass. Just for that, I'm coming back after my run and rubbing my sweat all over your clothes."

"You do that," Jensen says. By then, Steve will have been told not to let Jared in again. He hears footsteps leaving the room, and he relaxes, letting go of the covers and poking his head out.

"Ha!" Jared yells, grabbing the end of the covers and giving them a hard tug. Jensen shrieks and tries to hold on, but it's too late; Jared's got the momentum, and all Jensen can do is flail around uselessly as he's cruelly exposed to the chilly morning air. "You asshole!" he yelps, curling up into a ball to try to hide himself from Jared's gaze.

"Dude, I thought you were kidding about being naked!" Jared says, dropping the blankets and throwing some pants in Jensen's direction.

"Why would I lie?" Jensen says grumpily, glaring at him and trying desperately to get the pants on without exposing himself further.

"Now that you're up," Jared says cheerfully, "you might as well come for a run with me!"

"After _that_?" Jensen asks disbelievingly. "You woke me up and tore the covers off me! I don't think I ever want to see you again!"

"Liar," Jared says confidently, "you fucking love me, you know it."

"Starting to change my mind about that," Jensen mutters, fumbling for his glasses on the bedside table to cover his renewed blush. Why does Jared have to keep saying that sort of shit? It's distressing.

"Oh god," Jared says suddenly, his voice serious. Jensen freezes; fuck, has Jared figured it out? He can't have, Jensen's been so _careful_. "Oh god," Jared says again, "is that a _Dalek_?"

"Oh, yeah," Jensen says, relief flooding through him. "It's a costume, actually."

"A fucking Dalek costume? That's amazing! It's so realistic! Can I try it on?" Jared's hands are flailing with excitement, and Jensen can't help grinning at him. "I've never seen one so realistic! I mean, I've been to a couple of conventions, even went to Comic Con last year, but the only Daleks there are for kids and oh my God you must have got this custom made! Can I try it, would I fit inside?"

Jared's vibrating with glee, and there's no way Jensen can turn him down. "Alright," he says, with a mock put-upon sigh, going over and flicking the catch open. "Here, you open up the headpiece and then the front, and then you get in _there_." He points out the controls and the voice modulator, and Jared's practically bouncing on his heels with enthusiasm while Jensen explains how it works.

"Oh my God," Jared repeats, his grin threatening to split his face. He folds himself into the Dalek; it's a tighter fit than it is for Jensen, and the front almost doesn't close over Jared's knees. He looks so strange, his head poking out of the Dalek, and Jensen realizes why Danneel always laughs at him when she catches him half out of the costume.

"EXTERMINATE!" Jared yells the moment the headpiece is attached, and Jensen laughs, watching the Dalek scoot around his bedroom as Jared figures out the controls.

"Careful!" Jensen yells, but it's too late; Jared runs right into the wall, and the suction cup sticks fast, no matter how much Jared tries to back away or turn to detach it. This is exactly how Jensen damaged the wall in the living room; he'd been trying out the speed, and had got a bit out of control, bowling headlong into the wall and not being able to detach himself.

"SHIT!" the Dalek says. "I'M SORRY! HOW DO YOU GET THIS OFF?"

"Carefully," Jensen says, trying not to laugh. Jared pops the head open and takes a closer look, his face falling. "Don't pull it; it'll damage the wall." Jensen goes to fetch a spatula from the kitchen to prise the suction cup off. It only takes a moment to free it, and Jared backs the Dalek away so he can get out.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" he says, examining the wall.

"Don't worry," Jensen says. "You didn't mark the wall, unlike me the first time I did that."

"That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen," Jared says seriously, looking at the Dalek and walking around it to examine parts more closely.

"Cost me a fortune," Jensen says, going to his chest of drawers and pulling out a t-shirt. He's suddenly conscious of being half-naked in front of Jared, even if Jared hasn't given any signs of noticing.

"I bet," Jared murmurs. "Do you wear it to conventions?"

"Hell, yeah!" Jensen replies. "Not that I get the chance to go to many, but I usually wear it around for an hour or so before I get tired and sore and have to put it away."

"Awesome," Jared says, and Jensen's hoping like hell that Jared's completely forgotten about going for a run. He's about to offer a cup of coffee and maybe some DVDs on the couch, but Jared turns around and grins at him, clapping his hands together. "Right! You ready to go for a run?"

Jensen sighs. "Gimme five minutes," he mutters, dragging himself out of his room and towards the bathroom to take a piss.

~

"Fucking hell," Jensen wheezes, collapsing against a wall and trying desperately to catch his breath.

"Pussy," Jared laughs. The fucker is still jogging on the spot, and Jensen glares daggers at him. "What? Too much for you? Can't keep up with the younger guy? Getting too _old_, old man?"

"You fucking jerk!" Jensen rages, and Jared grins at him, taking off again. Jensen's got no choice but to follow, his legs aching and his lungs screaming at him. He can't let Jared get the better of him, just _can't_. Jared's at least slowed down a little, allowing Jensen to catch up, and he can't be bothered being embarrassed because he's so grateful that they're going a little slower.

Jared's mouth doesn't even stop when he's running, Jensen has discovered. Jensen can barely say a word, he's breathing so hard, but Jared's talking constantly, a never-ending stream of words coming out of his mouth. Jensen's only half-paying attention, the rest of his concentration focused on not dying.

"...so I said, yeah, okay, and he actually ended up sucking me off behind the fucking bar! Can you believe that?"

"What?" Jensen gasps, suddenly paying complete attention to what Jared's saying. "Some random guy sucked you off behind a bar?"

"Yeah! Like I just said—I was feeling kinda down while you were away, so I went to have a drink, and this guy—damn he was hot—he offered, and I'm not one to turn down free blowjobs!"

"Didn't I say that random sex would be a bad idea?" Jensen snaps, pushing ahead of Jared and trying to convince himself that the sick feeling in his stomach was because he was pushing himself too hard.

"It wasn't sex, it was a _blowjob_," Jared reasons, and Jensen can't deal with this while he's running. He slows down to a walk, and Jared follows suit.

"That's bullshit. Besides, I thought you said you hadn't ever done anything with a guy."

"Uh, no," Jared says carefully, looking strangely at Jensen. "I've done stuff with guys. Just never dated them."

"Oh," Jensen says, feeling even more sick. He sees a park bench not far away and heads for it, needing to sit down for a while.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jared asks. "You look kinda pale."

"Fine," Jensen mumbles. "Just need to sit down." He doesn't feel much better when he's sitting, but at least now he can concentrate on Jared. "So you're going to just go have a lot of random sex now?"

"Look, I know you said it's a bad idea, but I don't see what's wrong with getting a blowjob from someone, no strings attached."

"What about the next time? You gonna go back to some guy's place and fuck him?"

"What's your fucking _problem_?" Jared snaps. "I'm single, I can fuck whoever the hell I fucking want."

"Fine," Jensen spits, "but don't come crying to me when it comes back to bite you in the ass." He gets up, not looking at Jared, and starts to head back to his apartment, running as fast as he can manage at the moment in case Jared's following him.

He glances back once or twice, but there's no sign of Jared.

He tries to drown himself in the shower when he gets home. After forty five minutes, Steve starts banging on the door, threatening to break it down unless Jensen comes the hell out and tells him what's going on.

"Why would you care?" Jensen yells through the closed door. "It's all just fucking _orgasms_ to you!" There's no answer, and Jensen feels even worse. He turns the shower off, watching the now-cold water trickling down the drain, and wants to cry.

[PART THREE](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060568.html)


	3. Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Three

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[big bang](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/big%20bang), [fic](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/fic)  
  
---|---  
  
_**Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Three**_  
[Master Post](http://annella.livejournal.com/1061203.html) | [Part One](http://annella.livejournal.com/1059994.html) | [Part Two](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060294.html) | **Part Three** | [Part Four](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060827.html) | [Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060965.html)

"...and I can't even tell him _why_ I got so mad," Jensen finishes up. He's hiding under a blanket, not wanting to actually face Steve right now. He doesn't care how stupid it looks. "I just ran off like a fucking pussy. I'm supposed to be his friend and I don't know what to _do_."

Steve's silent for a while, and Jensen risks peeking around the edge of the blanket. He looks deep in thought, biting his lip and frowning, and Jensen wonders if he's going to be any help whatsoever.

"He has no idea how you feel, does he?" Steve eventually says.

"None," Jensen says bitterly. "Here's me trying to be a good friend and give him time to get over his girlfriend before I ask him out, and he's off sleeping with random people already."

"You realize you're asking the wrong person, right?" Steve says.

"Yeah," Jensen sighs. "Don't worry about me. I'll be okay." He tugs the blanket back over his head and curls up into a ball.

There's a knock at the door, and Jensen pulls the blanket down and watches Steve go and answer it. He's hoping it's Jared, terrified that it will be him, and is both relieved and disappointed when it turns out to be Danneel.

"What the fuck have you done?" she asks affectionately, sitting down on the couch and forcing Jensen to pull his legs up.

"I think Jared and I broke up," Jensen says. "He told me he's started having random sex with guys and I yelled at him and ran away."

"You fucking idiot," Danneel says, and it doesn't sound like her usual affectionate needling.

He glares at her. "He's off getting his dick sucked by people he doesn't know and I'm supposed to just smile and say 'good for you' or something? What the fuck?"

"No, you dork. He's fucking _rebounding_. Ever heard of it?"

"Um. Heard of it. Never really knew what it meant."

"It basically means Jared's probably not in a very good frame of mind for dating people. He's probably gonna make stupid decisions based on what feels good _now_. Even if he did decide to date you, it probably wouldn't last very long because he'll have issues leftover from his relationship with Sandy. You gotta let him get those issues out of the way before you can even _think_ of asking him out. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah," Jensen admits grudgingly. "Did you read that on Wikipedia or something?"

Danneel ignores the question. "Do you want to be his rebound?"

"No." Jensen's starting to feel monumentally stupid.

"Then let him do stupid shit for a while. He'll come to his senses. Remember after I broke up with Nate and ended up sleeping with Jeremy from down the hall?"

"Oh god, yes," Jensen says, rolling his eyes. "He was such a dick."

"I know! He was a _rebound_, you idiot. He didn't mean anything."

"Still kinda sucks," Jensen says sullenly.

"I know, baby," Danneel says, giving him a hug.

"What should I do now?"

"Man up and apologize."

"Yeah."

"Look, hon, I'd love to stay around, but I have a class to get to and I'm already running late. You gonna be okay?"

"I think so," Jensen says. He's feeling less upset now; the despair has mostly been replaced with embarrassment. He barely even notices Danneel leaving.

~

"I'm sorry, I acted like a jerk. You can fuck whoever you want." Jensen sighs and glares at his reflection. "No. Fuck." He rubs a hand through his hair; he's leaving for his regular Friday evening at Jared's place in a couple of minutes, and he still doesn't know what he's going to say when he gets there. What possible reason can he give for flipping out like that, a reason which doesn't involve the words 'I love you'? Shit, Jared might not even be there, he might have decided he doesn't want to talk to Jensen ever again. He flips his cellphone open in a panic, sending a text message.

_r u going 2 b there 2nite? need 2 talk 2 u._

His phone beeps not a minute later, and, his heart pounding, he opens it up to see Jared's reply.

_ok._

It's better than nothing. Jensen wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans and tries to think of what to say when he gets there.

Before he knows it, he's at Jared's place, knocking on the door. His stomach is practically in his mouth, and he's sweating nervously. Jason opens the door and waves him in, and Jensen goes into the lounge to find Jared sitting on the couch. Chad's nowhere to be seen, and Jason's mysteriously vanished as well, leaving them alone. Jensen goes and sits on the opposite end of the couch, terrified, unable to look at Jared.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I was a complete dick."

"Yeah, you were," Jared agrees quietly. "Any particular reason why?"

Shit. Jensen had been hoping Jared wouldn't ask, hoping he would just accept the apology. "I was worried about you," he lies. Hell, he can't tell Jared the truth. Not yet.

"Really?" Jensen sees Jared shift out of the corner of his eye and turns to look at him. Jared's looking back, a confused expression on his face. "You were worried? What the hell about?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt," Jensen says, feeling uncomfortable. He rubs the back of his neck, hoping Jared's not going to push it. "I just—I remember when Danneel was dumped by her boyfriend a couple of years ago and she slept with, like, four different guys in less than a month, and told me she really regretted it later. I didn't want the same sort of thing to happen to you."

"Jensen... I'm not an idiot. I know I'm rebounding. Or whatever. It's been over a month since Sandy and I broke up, and I'm kinda enjoying the freedom. And I can take care of myself."

"I know," Jensen sighs. "I feel like shit, man. Sorry I yelled."

Jared sighs. "That's okay," he says, but Jensen's not sure how truthful that statement is. "Just—don't judge me for it. I know we're good friends and all, but to be honest, we haven't known each other that long. I wouldn't flip out at you if you told me you fucked a stranger last night. I'd probably think 'huh' but that's about it."

"I know," Jensen repeats. "I was way outta line."

"Okay," Jared says, smiling at him. "Thanks."

"So are we cool, then?" Jensen asks, cracking a smile of his own even though his heart's breaking a little inside.

"Yeah, I think so," Jared says.

"Just—if you're going to be having random sex with people," Jensen adds, "please don't tell me."

"Otherwise you'll worry?" Jared guesses, and Jensen nods, lying directly to Jared for the second time that evening. "I can do that! Or, not do that."

"Thanks," Jensen says. Hopefully now he can let Jared get over his emotional baggage without having to get too upset by it.

~

Jensen's avoiding Jared. He still goes over some Friday nights, still texts him sometimes, but he's started consciously avoiding all the places where they kept running into each other. He buys his lunch early and eats it in a quiet corner of the campus, and spends most of his free time either in hidden parts of the library where not many people go, or in the science building trying to prepare for his hospital placement in a month. He misses Jared intensely; misses his sheer physical presence, the way he makes Jensen feel like the king of the entire fucking world, the way he disregards personal space and normal conversation rules and just runs his mouth off while slapping Jensen on the back and laughing too loudly.

"You're the least fun person in the world right now," Danneel snaps at him. It's late Friday afternoon, and Jensen's been moping around the apartment for days. Danneel had come over in an attempt to cheer him up, but instead, he's brought her down.

"What?" Jensen asks, surprised. He's been pretending to be engrossed in whatever reality show is on television, but like always, he's mostly just thinking of Jared. And pining. All day, every day.

"All you do is fucking _mope_," Danneel says. "I'm sick of it! I'm going to see Sophia, she's having a girl's night, which I originally turned down to hang out with you."

"Sorry—" Jensen starts, but it's too late; Danneel has grabbed her bag and is halfway out the door. "My life sucks," he sighs, for the millionth time. He flips his phone open to check for messages, and he ends up scrolling down his list of contacts and pausing over Jared's name. He's missed Friday night DVDs for two weeks in a row now, and he misses Jared like he never would have imagined.

"Don't be an idiot," Jensen growls to himself, then gives up and calls him.

"Jensen! What's up?"

"Um, nothing, actually. Are you doing anything?"

"Not unless you call 'moping and feeling sorry for myself' doing anything."

"Dude, what's wrong?"

Jared sighs. "Can I come over? Jason's doing his singing thing and Chad's out with Kenzie and I'm just sitting around doing nothing."

"Sure!" Jensen sits up and eyes the living room; it's littered with takeout cartons and empty drink cans. "See you in fifteen or so?"

"Awesome. See you soon."

Jensen rushes around clearing up the trash, wondering why the hell he's doing it—Jared's place is usually messier, and Jensen's never complained, so why should be bothered by Jared seeing _his_ place like this? He doesn't stop, though, not until the lounge is looking tidier than it has for weeks. He's just wondering whether he has time to vacuum when there's a knock on the door.

"Hey," he says, trying not to jump on Jared and hug him. It's been a couple of weeks since he saw him, and Jensen's surprised at how ragged around the edges Jared looks. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Jared comes in and wraps himself around Jensen, leaning his chin on Jensen's shoulder and sighing. "I miss you, man," he says quietly.

"Sorry," Jensen says, feeling awful. "I've had a lot of work to do lately."

"You were right, you know," Jared sighs once they're settled on the couch with beers.

"What about?"

"Random sex hasn't helped at _all_. I thought it might make me miss her less, but it didn't."

"I'm sorry," Jensen says, and means it. He hates seeing Jared so upset.

"We were going to get married, did you know that?" Jensen shakes his head. "I'd been thinking, once I finished my degree, a year or so from now, we were going to met married. I'd been planning to propose. We were going to go see my family together during Spring Break. In two weeks!"

"God, that sucks," Jensen says softly, feeling even more awful.

"Five years, man. We got together in our junior year. We were so scared we wouldn't get accepted to the same colleges. So when we both got accepted here, I thought it was a sign or something." Jared's crying quietly, and Jensen pulls him into a hug. "I'm sorry," he chokes out, "I thought I was doing fine and was getting over her, but then I was looking for something in my room and I found all the photos I've had printed over the past few years, in this huge stack. I'd been meaning to put them in an album but it never happened and they were _all_ there, every single time I got photos printed I just added them to the pile and most of them were me and Sandy and trips we'd taken and stupid stuff we'd done and I miss her so much, why didn't I work harder to keep her?"

Jensen doesn't know what to say; there's nothing he _can_ say. He just sits there and pats Jared on the back and lets him babble about Sandy. He figures Jared's been bottling it up, pretending he's okay, but that can only work for so long before it cracks. What's he supposed to _do?_ He's casting around for ideas, when suddenly he has a brainwave.

"Jared. Jared. Dude." Jensen gives him a shake, and Jared looks up at him, his eyes all swollen and red.

"What?" he says, sitting up and wiping his face on his sleeve.

"Go wash your face. I got an idea."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll find out when we get there," Jensen says, grinning widely. If this doesn't cheer Jared up, _nothing_ will.

~

"Oh my god!" Jared shrieks when they arrive at the Waterfront Park in Portland. It's brightly lit, with tacky music and the noise of the crowd flooding out, accompanied by the smell of hot dogs and popcorn. "I didn't know there was a carnival on!"

"Saw it on the TV today," Jensen says, grinning. "Thought you might like to ride some bumper cars or something."

"This is fantastic," Jared says, hopping impatiently from foot to foot while Jensen locks up the car. They pay their admission fee, and Jensen watches Jared light up at all the choices available to him.

"What do you wanna do first?" Jensen asks. It's been years since he went to a carnival, and he'd forgotten how tacky they are close-up; how the stalls are all run-down and dirty, how the prizes which used to be so amazing when he was a kid just look cheap and tacky now. Jared doesn't seem to notice, though; he's staring around like a kid in a fucking candy shop, which is a fairly apt analogy right now.

"Cotton candy! Then hot dogs. And rides! And then bumper cars!"

Jensen spends the next couple of hours following Jared around almost in a daze. Jared has to try everything, from the ferris wheel to the shooting range—where he wins a giant stuffed monkey—to the teacup ride, which he almost throws up on because he ate so much beforehand.

"Oooooh," Jared moans afterwards, walking slowly to a bench with Jensen staying a safe distance away in case the hot dogs decide to come back. Jared seems okay after a minute, though, and they sit and watch the chaos around them, the night air chilly but warmed by the atmosphere of the carnival.

"How're you doing?" Jensen asks, ridiculously aware of Jared's thigh pressed firmly against his own.

"This is amazing," Jared says quietly. "Thank you."

Jensen swallows down the sappy smile that threatens to pop up. "You ready for the bumper cars?"

"So ready!"

There's a sign up saying 'no bumping', which makes Jared laugh his ass off. They pay for two cars, and before Jensen can even get going, Jared's rammed him from behind and taken off again, hooting wildly.

"You are so on," Jensen mutters.

When their time runs out, they're both red-faced and laughing so hard they can barely control the cars. Jared had managed to back himself into a corner, unable to escape Jensen, who rammed him over and over while Jared tried desperately to get out, tears of laughter streaming down his face.

"That was _awesome_!" Jared yells as they stumble away from the bumper cars. Jensen's having trouble keeping his balance, and he keeps almost falling against Jared. Jared doesn't seem to mind, and after a short while he throws an arm around Jensen's shoulder and pulls him close. Jensen's got the stuffed monkey in his other hand, presented to him with a flourish by Jared. Jensen hadn't been able to stop himself from smiling so widely his face hurt.

"More cotton candy?" Jensen asks.

"God, I love you so much," Jared says enthusiastically, not noticing how Jensen tenses up with his words. They head to the cotton candy booth, and Jared keeps his arm around Jensen while they wait for the guy to spin it and wrap it up in paper.

"I could live off of this shit," Jared mumbles, his mouth stuck together with sugar and pink all over his face from the way he just dives in face-first to eat it. Jensen laughs and grabs a handful, shoving it in his mouth before Jared can stop him. "Hey!" Jared yells indignantly, "that's mine!"

"Gonna try to take it off me?" Jensen asks, spraying Jared with flecks of sugar.

"Ugh," Jared says, screwing his face up at the sight of the mangled cotton candy in Jensen's mouth. "You can keep that, I'll just have to finish this _really quickly_!" He shoves the rest in his mouth, bit by bit, until he looks like a fucking hamster, his cheeks stuffed and his mouth barely able to close.

"Good luck chewing that," Jensen says, laughing so hard he nearly breaks away from the warmth of Jared's arm around his shoulder.

"Unf," Jared says. "Blrgh!"

"Yeah, I know you do, big guy." Suddenly, Jensen really wants to get home. His heart is aching from being so close to Jared, from being the object of Jared's attention in such a direct way for so long. He glances at his watch, and asks, "You ready to go?"

Jared's having trouble with the cotton candy, but he nods and gives a thumbs up, so they start heading back to the car. On the way, Jared finally manages to swallow enough to speak.

"What are we gonna do now? It's only nine o'clock!"

"We're going back to my place to play video games until we fall asleep," Jensen says. "Then... um. What are you doing on Monday?"

Jared thinks for a moment. "Two classes. That's it."

"Are they important?"

"Well... I probably _shouldn't_ miss them, but if you give me a good reason to, I will."

"Awesome." Jensen grins at Jared, not saying anything more just yet. He's got some fairly exciting plans for the weekend.

~

"Play again?" Jensen asks, glancing down at Jared.

"Nooo," Jared moans pathetically. "Can't move." He shifts around, burying his face in Jensen's shoulder, his hair tickling Jensen's face.

"Fine," Jensen says. "I guess I win, then!"

"No fair..." Jared mumbles, half-asleep, the controller falling out of his hands.

"You wanna crash on the couch tonight?" Jensen asks, yawning widely.

"Mmhm."

"I'll get you some blankets," Jensen says, carefully extricating himself from underneath Jared and getting him laid out on the couch. He grabs his spare comforter and a pillow, and by the time he gets back into the living room, Jared's sound asleep, snoring gently.

"God, I am so screwed," Jensen mutters, unable to stop himself from crouching down beside the couch and watching Jared sleep for a few minutes. His face is totally relaxed, a small smile quirking the corners of his mouth, and he looks like a little boy. Jensen wants nothing so much as to snuggle in next to him on the couch, maybe convince Jared to come share his bed, but instead he lays the comforter over him and slides the pillow under his head before heading back to his own room to make a few preparations.

~

Jensen wakes up at an unknown hour when his bed dips under the weight of someone kneeling on it. He blinks blearily at the dark room, and immediately recognizes Jared's silhouette.

"Jare'?" he slurs. "Wha's wrong?"

"It's cold out there," Jared says quietly, looking hopefully at the empty half of Jensen's bed.

"Get in," Jensen says without even thinking. He's not fully awake, and by the time Jared has flicked the covers back and crawled underneath them, Jensen's asleep again.

He wakes again during the night, more aware this time, _completely_ aware of how Jared's body is wrapped around his own, his head pillowed on Jensen's chest and their legs tangled together. Jared's hand rests on Jensen's stomach, going up and down gently as he breathes, and Jensen tries not to panic. He's just glad that he actually wore underwear to bed; usually he sleeps completely naked, but the thought of Jared being just through the wall made him keep his boxers on. Jared's similarly clad, fortunately, because Jensen doesn't know what he would do if a naked Jared had crawled into his bed.

"Mmm," Jared mumbles, shifting in his sleep, pressing his body even closer to Jensen's. It's almost too warm, heat radiating off Jared's body like a fireplace, and Jensen can feel the shape of Jared's cock pressing against his thigh.

"Hmm?" he murmurs, not sure whether he wants Jared to wake up and realize what he's doing, and maybe keep doing it, or stay asleep and remain blissfully unaware of how much Jensen is starting to enjoy having Jared wrapped around him like this.

"Mmm, yeah," Jared replies, and Jensen looks down at him, sees his eyes open a crack in the dark. "Mmm," Jared says again, and shifts, moves closer, presses his lips against Jensen's.

He shouldn't. He should wake Jared up, push him away; Jared's not _ready_ for this, he proved that tonight the way he talked about Sandy, and Jensen has to wait, give him time. But it's too fucking hard; it's what Jensen's wanted for months, and now? Now he has it, a willing Jared in his arms, Jared kissing him, pressing against his mouth, and Jensen gives in and kisses him back.

It's better than anything Jensen could ever have hoped for. Jared's lips part over his, and Jensen responds in kind, slipping his tongue out to caress Jared's mouth and the warm tongue that meets him, feeling the shape of his lips and the taste of his breath. He slides his hands into Jared's hair, stroking and tugging like he's wanted to do for so long, feeling the silky strands slipping between his fingers like water as he groans, pulls Jared closer, kisses him harder.

"Fuck," Jared suddenly says, pulling away and sitting back on his heels, staring down at Jensen. "God, Jensen, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"What?" Jensen's confused; couldn't Jared tell how much he wants this?

"You've been a really awesome friend to me tonight, and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking straight!"

Jensen sighs and tries not to cry. "That's okay," he says dully. "You wanna go back to sleep?"

For the rest of the night, Jensen stays firmly on his side of the bed, and Jared on his side. There's a cold, wide gap down the middle which Jensen desperately wants to close, but instead, he rolls onto his side facing away from Jared and tries to go back to sleep.

~

Things are slightly awkward in the morning. Jensen rolls out of bed before Jared's awake, heading to the bathroom to shower and get dressed. By the time he gets back to his room, Jared's stirring, opening bleary eyes and fixing them on Jensen.

"Hey," he says in a rough voice.

"Morning," Jensen says, pasting on a smile like he hasn't just had his heart stepped on again.

"Look, man, I'm really sorry about last night," Jared starts, looking uncomfortable and upset.

"That's okay," Jensen says quickly. "Let's just forget it ever happened."

"Okay," Jared says softly, smiling slightly.

"Get your ass out of bed and go take a shower. We gotta be on the road by ten." Jensen goes into the living room and tosses Jared his clothes from the floor. While Jared showers, Jensen tidies up the living room, packs a few things in his overnight bag, and prints out a map.

They stop at Jared's place long enough for Jared to pack two nights worth of clothes. While Jensen waits, he writes a note for Chad and Jason, sticking it on the fridge for when they wake up.

_Chad/Jason  
Took Jared away for a couple of days. Will bring him back on Monday.  
\- Jensen_

"You coming?" he asks, knocking on the open door of Jared's room before going in. He's never been in Jared's room before, and he's not entirely surprised to find it in a fairly advanced stage of chaos. It's chaos that's been around a while, long enough for Jared to know where everything is despite everything apparently being everywhere. He's throwing clothes into a bag, and he glances up at Jensen when he comes in.

"Almost there, just gotta grab my washbag," he says, rushing out of his room and into the bathroom. Jensen sits down on his unmade bed, staring around at all the sci-fi posters on the wall. He glances at the bedside table, and sees a photo frame face-down beside a pile of books. He picks it up to take a look; it's Jared and Sandy, Jared with his arms wrapped around Sandy and grinning over her head at the camera, Sandy laughing and waving. His heart aches for a moment, and he puts it back where he found it just before Jared comes back in with his washbag.

"All ready!" he says, shoving it in his bag and zipping it up with difficulty. "Where are we going?"

He's already asked several times, but Jensen refuses to say. "It'll be more fun if you don't know," he says reasonably, and Jared rolls his eyes and nods. "Hey, have you got warm clothes and walking shoes?" Jensen adds.

"Sure have! You're taking me somewhere outdoors-y, aren't you?"

"Not telling! But yeah. Lots of warm clothes. Really warm."

Jared rolls his eyes and shoves his winter woollies in the side pocket of his bag, as well as a couple of extra pairs of thick socks.

They stop for road trip food—Doritos, jerky, Red Bull, and so much candy Jensen feels himself get a sugar high just looking at it, but knowing Jared, it might get them halfway to their destination—then start heading south. It's a six hour drive, and Jensen's ridiculously grateful that Jared's there with him, because he didn't get much sleep the night before and having Jared there chattering away aimlessly really helps Jensen concentrate.

It's the longest time they've ever spent in each other's company, and Jensen's fear of uncomfortable silences proves unnecessary; the gaps in the conversation are warm and quiet, with Jensen humming along to the music on the radio and Jared looking out the window at the view. Jared dozes off at one point, his head lolling to the side and his mouth open, and Jensen carefully pulls over and takes a photo of him with his cellphone. He tucks it away, grinning, when Jared snorts awake, rubbing his face like a little kid.

"Are we there yet?" he asks drowsily, looking around at the increasingly hilly landscape. "Whoa. How high are we?"

"About twelve hundred feet," Jensen replies. "We're maybe two hours away." They're about halfway through the Cascades, and Jared stares unabashedly at the forested hills surrounding them. "Dude, you never seen mountains before?" Jensen adds, amused.

"Sure I have!" Jared objects. "Just... I've flown over them but it's been a really long time since I drove through them." He's like a little kid, and Jensen can't help grinning.

It's almost five in the afternoon when they finally get to the National Park. Jared sees the sign and nearly flips out. "Crater Lake! Holy crap, man! You—I can't believe you brought me to Crater fuckin' Lake!"

"It's a nice place to visit," Jensen says nonchalantly, smiling at Jared's enthusiasm. He drives up to the lodge, where they're booked for two nights, and Jared leaps out of the car, rushing to the edge of the carpark to peer out at the expanse of the lake. It's late in the day, the sun starting to go down, and Jensen comes to stand next to him, admiring both the view and Jared.

The room Jensen has rented is nicer than he expected; it's not a busy time of year, and apart from an elderly couple, he and Jared seem to be the only people staying at the lodge.

"Dude," Jared says in awe as he brings his bag in and dumps it on the floor. "This is awesome! Oh man, I've never been to Crater Lake!"

"Seriously?" Jensen asks, surprised. "You've been going to Pacific State for almost three years!"

"I know, but it's something I always say 'oh I'll do that one day' and then I never do, so I'm really glad I got the chance now. What are we going to do first?"

Jensen flicks through the hiking guide he picked up at the check-in counter. "It's getting kinda late in the day, but we'll have time to do a short walk. You up for it?"

"Definitely!" Jared replies.

They wander down to the lakeshore, all bundled up in their jackets, scarves and hats. It's bitterly cold, probably not much above freezing, and Jensen huddles down inside his jacket as they stand on the shore, looking out at the wide, dark blue expanse of water.

"That's amazing," Jared says quietly. He's barely said a word in the fifteen minutes it took them to get down here, and it's a surprise to hear him speak in the cold stillness. He sits down on the gravelly shore, and Jensen joins him after a moment. They spend a long time just looking at the view, and Jensen can't help but be ridiculously aware of how close Jared is to him, how even through the heavy clothes they're wearing, he can almost feel the heat of Jared's body.

"You okay?" he asks after a while, and Jared nods.

"Just thinking about stuff, y'know?"

Jensen nods, and leaves him to it.

~

It's been a really long day, and Jensen's eyes are drooping fast. Jared's still wide awake—the fucker didn't have to drive for almost six hours today.

"Hey, Jensen?" Jared's voice jerks Jensen out of a doze, and he sits up, rubbing his eyes. Jared's turned the television off, and he's sitting cross-legged on the couch, facing Jensen.

"Hmm?" he asks, yawning widely. It's only nine o'clock, but he's thinking that bed sounds like a really good idea right now, and he hopes Jared won't mind him having an early night.

"About what happened last night—"

"I already said we could forget it," Jensen interrupts.

"I can't," Jared says bluntly. "I've been trying, all day, but it's all I can think about."

"Jared—"

"No, please, let me finish?" Jared rubs a hand through his hair, looking nervous. "I mean, if you kiss your friend without even thinking about it, and then you can't _stop_ thinking about it, does that mean something?" He stops and looks at Jensen, his face creased up with thought. "I think it does."

"You don't know what you're saying," Jensen mumbles. "You're still getting over Sandy. You fucking cried on my shoulder last night, Jared!"

"Jensen—"

"I can't be a rebound," Jensen says softly. "I just can't. Don't do that to me. Please."

"But you're not!" Jared says, moving closer and taking Jensen's hand. Jared's hands are huge, warm, and beautiful, and Jensen stares down at their entwined fingers, his own dwarfed by Jared's.

"What do you want me to be to you?" Jensen asks. "Friends with benefits? A quick fuck, like what you've been doing since Sandy left you? What?"

"No," Jared says, shaking his head, "no, no, not that. I want _you_." He lays a hand on Jensen's thigh, heat soaking through the denim, and leans in close, his breath tickling Jensen's ear. "I think I've been a bit of an idiot not to work out what I wanted until now. And this—this is what you want too, isn't it? Something more than just sex?"

"_Yes_," Jensen exhales, and Jared sighs.

"For how long?" he asks, as he gently bites Jensen's earlobe.

"Since I first saw you," Jensen whispers, barely audible.

"Shit, Jensen," Jared whispers. "I really want to kiss you now."

Jensen takes a deep breath and turns his head. It's nothing like the kiss of the night before; that was fumbling and tentative, sleepy and unsure. This one is deliberate and heated, full of certainty and intent. Jared slides his hand over Jensen's face, angling his mouth to better suit him, and Jensen can't stifle the moan that is torn from his chest by Jared's tongue pressing his mouth open, slipping inside.

"Taste so good," Jared murmurs, his voice vibrating into Jensen's mouth. "Fuck, you _feel_ so good." He pushes gently until Jensen's on his back, sprawled on the couch with Jared covering him, weighing him down. Jared pulls away for a moment to catch his breath, and Jensen tries to follow, leaning up on his elbows to press his lips against Jared's again, pulling him back down.

"Don't wanna squash you," Jared says, laughing softly, and Jensen grins at him. He's propping himself up on his hands, and Jensen wraps his legs around Jared's waist, forcing him closer.

"Not gonna squash me," Jensen replies, and Jared gives in, resting his weight on Jensen's body, heavy and warm and _so good_. They start kissing again, open-mouthed and heated, and Jensen can't help the little whimpering noises he makes as Jared's tongue strokes against his own. Jared's not being quiet either; every time Jensen bites at his lip, he grunts low in his throat, the sound sending flares of heat through Jensen, making him want to hear more from Jared.

They kiss for what feels like hours; endless, sleepy, heated kisses. Jared's hands are warm on Jensen's face, stroking the skin and sliding up into his hair, and Jensen responds in kind, letting the silky strands of Jared's hair slip through his fingers before dropping his hands to Jared's neck and back, stroking him through the thin fabric of his shirt.

"Mmm," Jared murmurs, running his hands down Jensen's arms and sides. He slips his fingers underneath the hem of Jensen's shirt, tentatively stroking, and Jensen groans, arching his back and letting Jared slide a hand underneath him so it rests in the small of his back.

"Jared?" Jensen says softly as Jared moves his mouth to Jensen's jawline, to his neck, laying soft wet kisses as he goes.

"Hmm?" Jared hums, nuzzling Jensen's ear.

"I want—can we—"

Jared sits up a little, looking down at Jensen. His face is gorgeously flushed, his mouth wet, his eyes wide, and Jensen never wants to stop kissing him. "You sure?" he asks.

"No, I mean—can we go to bed? I don't want—I mean, I _do_, but not tonight. I'm _really_ tired."

"Oh," Jared says. "Okay." He moves off of Jensen, sitting at his feet, and Jensen feels a pang of disappointment.

"Come with me, you dick," he says affectionately, and Jared jerks his head around, grinning at him.

It's a two bed cabin, but the second bed stays empty. It's been a long time since Jensen intentionally slept with anyone, since he went to sleep with someone else wrapped around him and close to him. All the times in the past when he's fucked someone after a bit too much alcohol don't count; they didn't have the intimacy and warmth of crawling into bed with Jared. Even the night before can't compare to this; that had been unexpected, uncomfortable, but now Jared pushes Jensen over onto his side and aggressively spoons him, kissing the back of his neck and sliding a leg between Jensen's thighs. Jensen can't find it in him to object to being the little spoon; Jared's huge, warm, and his long arms and legs wrap Jensen up so he feels ridiculously safe, even loved.

He turns his head and catches Jared's mouth in another kiss, and it's a long time before they're able to stop kissing for long enough to go to sleep. During the night they both wake up and kiss more, half-naked bodies rubbing slowly against one another, hands exploring smooth skin and curves of muscle. It's bliss, it's what Jensen's been wanting for what feels like forever, and he goes back to sleep with Jared's arms cradling him and Jared's head on the same pillow as his.

~

Jensen can't remember ever waking up so happy. He's aware of the presence of Jared immediately; they're lying on their sides facing each other, so close Jensen can feel Jared's breath on his face. Jared's got an arm slung over Jensen's body, his hand resting on the middle of Jensen's back, and his leg is held tight between Jensen's thighs, snug up against his crotch.

He doesn't want to open his eyes, he wants to stay warm in Jared's arms forever. It's still dark in the room, barely a hint of light visible behind Jensen's closed eyes, but despite this, Jensen slowly becomes aware that he's being observed. He opens his eyes, blinking to clear away the fog of sleep, and the first thing he sees is Jared, mere inches away, wide awake and grinning at him.

"G'morning," Jensen mumbles sleepily. "What time's it?"

"Almost six," Jared replies. "You snore, dude."

"Could be worse," Jensen yawns, rolling onto his back and stretching. "You spent half the night farting. I'm amazed you haven't gassed yourself before now."

Jared follows Jensen's movement, rolling half on top of him, and laughs indignantly. "Did not, you fucking liar! I never—wait, hang on—" He screws his face up, concentrating, and lets loose a fart which easily trumps all the ones Jensen heard during the night. "Fuck me, that's better," Jared sighs happily.

"You're disgusting," Jensen informs him, "and I never want to kiss you again."

"You love it," Jared replies confidently, leaning in close for a kiss, morning breath and all.

"Ass," Jensen mumbles, stifled by Jared's lips on his, warm and dry. Jared's right, though; Jensen can't think of _anything_ about Jared that he doesn't love right now, up to and including his distressing gassiness. Just how much he's enjoying Jared's attentions is becoming painfully evident as Jared presses his thigh against Jensen's cock, and Jared makes a pleased sound when Jensen starts to harden.

It's what Jensen has wanted for months, what he's been thinking about for all that time, imagining every time he jerks off. He's so desperate, wants so much, and he pushes Jared onto his back and straddles his legs, leaning in quickly to regain the contact that sets his body afire. Jared grunts and grabs Jensen's ass, both hands gripping him tightly and yanking him closer so Jensen can feel the hard length of Jared's cock underneath him.

They're both panting, gasping, their kisses becoming clumsy and wet as they rut against each other. "I want—can I—" Jared says, his voice tight and strained. His fingers are at Jensen's waistband, stroking the skin just above his boxers, and Jensen nods quickly, watching as Jared slowly, too slowly, slides a hand inside.

"Oh, god," Jensen whimpers when Jared lightly strokes the head of his cock with the palm of his hand. He tries to reciprocate, his fingers fumbling and useless at underwear as Jared touches him maddeningly lightly. Jared's grinning at him, almost laughing, and Jensen growls, finally managing to pull Jared's boxers down, exposing his cock.

"Fuck," Jared gasps explosively when Jensen wraps a hand around him, and the hands stroking Jensen's erection falter.

"Knew you'd be fucking huge," Jensen says, his voice low and throaty. He marvels at the size of the cock in his hands; it's a good inch longer than Jensen's, even bigger than he thought it would be, and his mouth starts to water at the thought of sucking it.

Jared's writhing, his hips jerking, and Jensen licks at his mouth again, kissing it open, his tongue tangling with Jared's. He wraps a hand around both their erections, pressing them together, and can't help groaning himself at the feel of Jared's hard dick slipping against his own. Jared fumbles to help, their hands joining in the slick heat between them, fingers entwined as they jerk each other off.

"Want you to—" Jared starts, choking out the words, but his face flushes even darker red than it already is, and he doesn't finish.

"What?" Jensen asks, kissing Jared's neck, nuzzling the soft skin behind his ear. "I'll probably do it, y'know."

"Fuck," Jared gasps, his back arching and his cock leaking all over Jensen's hand. "Want you to. Want your mouth on me. God. Want it so much."

Jensen whimpers, he can't help it. For months he's wanted to suck Jared's dick, wanted to feel the heat and weight of it on his tongue, and now that he knows how fucking_gorgeous_ it is, there's no way he's going to deny Jared's request. He doesn't answer, just starts moving down Jared's body, kissing every inch of smooth skin. Jared looks _amazing_; all smooth skin over tight muscle, and Jensen sets about learning every curve, every plane of his body as he makes his way towards his goal.

By the time he gets there, Jared's moaning almost constantly, his hands clenched in Jensen's hair, his breathing ragged and loud. He glances up, grinning at the desperation on Jared's face, the open lust and need, before closing his eyes and sucking the head of Jared's dick into his mouth.

"Jesus," Jared hisses sharply, and Jensen looks up at him again and licks his lips. Jared shifts, pushing himself up on his elbows so he can watch, and Jensen holds his gaze as he goes down again, sliding his lips over Jared's cock. The bitter taste of precome coats his mouth, slick and heavy and Jensen swallows convulsively, using his hand to jerk Jared off at the base of his cock while he sucks hard.

It's sloppy and messy; not Jensen's best job, but he doesn't care. He's so hard he feels like he's going to explode, and he can't help rutting against the sheets as he swallows Jared's dick as far down as he can, the sounds Jared makes spurring him to do more, better. He watches Jared's face, watches him tense up, bite his lip, open his mouth on a low groan, and he can feel the steady, quick beat of Jared's heart radiating up through his cock and into Jensen's body.

"Can't hold on," Jared says, his voice raw, and Jensen smiles around the dick in his mouth, sucking harder and holding Jared's gaze intently as he does so. Jared's body arches, jerks, and he gasps as he tenses and releases, coming into Jensen's mouth with heavy spurts. There's so much of it, and Jensen gives up trying to swallow it all after the first pulse, just lets it fall into his open mouth and over his face. Jared swears under his breath and falls back onto the bed, his cock slipping away from Jensen's mouth to lie sticky on his stomach. Jensen kisses it, licks it clean as best he can, and rests his head on Jared's stomach, waiting for him to recover.

Jensen's still achingly hard, and he jerks his hips against the mattress, desperate for some friction on his cock. It doesn't take long for Jared to notice, and he drags Jensen back up the bed, wrapping a huge hand around his cock and claiming his mouth in a kiss. They share the remnants of Jared's come, still sticky on Jensen's face, and it only takes a few moments of Jared's hand on his dick for Jensen to come helplessly, gasping into Jared's mouth as he covers Jared's hand and stomach with his come.

They lie quietly, catching their breath, sharing small kisses, and Jensen can't stop smiling. He's tired, sore from yesterday, and dying to go to the bathroom and have something to eat, but he doesn't want to leave Jared's side.

"Think we can just spend the weekend in bed?" Jared asks thoughtfully, and Jensen chuckles.

"We have to have a picnic by the lake," he insists. "I didn't drive all this way just to have sex with you in a bed that isn't my own."

"I'm down with that," Jared replies, grinning widely and drawing Jensen into another kiss.

It's quite some time before they manage to get out of bed.

~

"That's pretty awesome," Jared says, his voice breathless from the steep climb. Jensen's still bent over, wheezing, and it's another minute or so before he can concentrate on the view without dying. "Old man," Jared adds. "Am I going to have to carry you back down?"

"Fuck you," Jensen says absently, still breathing hard as he comes to stand next to Jared, looking out over the lake. It's bitterly cold up here at the summit, and Jensen digs into his backpack to get his jacket out again, cast off during the strenuous hike up here.

Jared's right, it's a fucking _amazing_ view; the bright blue of the lake, crisp white snow, and green trees all shining blindingly in the sharp midday sun. It's definitely worth the time and effort it took them to get up here. Jensen stands in silence, staring out at the incredible vista, and Jared moves closer to him, lacing his icy-cold fingers into Jensen's. Jensen doesn't turn to look at him, just smiles widely and squeezes Jared's hand.

They eat lunch at the summit, sheltered from the light wind by a stand of trees. There are patches of snow lying around, and when Jared looks like he might doze off, basking like a lizard in the sun, Jensen sneaks up on him with a piece of frozen snow and shoves it down his shirt. Jared's shriek is so loud and piercing that it echoes off the hills around them, going on even as Jared leaps up and tries to get the snow out.

Jensen's laughing so hard he can barely stand, and Jared's eyes light on him, giving him less than a second to react before Jared leaps, tackling him to the ground and shoving his freezing cold, wet hands up Jensen's top.

His yell almost matches Jared's, and it quickly turns into a wrestling match, both of them fighting dirty, writhing around on the ground until they're out of breath and panting. "I hate you so much, you asshole," Jared groans, collapsing on top of Jensen.

"Bitch, you love me," Jensen replies without thinking, and promptly panics. Jared doesn't seem to notice Jensen's freak-out, and he buries his face in Jensen's neck, licking him. From there, it descends quickly into kissing and groping, cold hands warming rapidly on heated skin. It's too cold up here to get undressed, so they make do with desperate, fumbling rutting, shoving hands into each other's pants and crudely jerking until they're gasping and coming, slick warmth spreading as they lie there, laughing and kissing.

They spend most of the afternoon at the summit, talking, making out, and taking about a thousand photos of the view, each other, both of them together, Jared asleep in the sun, Jared's butt, Jared's middle finger, and a particularly well-timed one of Jared tripping over in an effort to get the camera off Jensen.

Jensen can't wait to get to his laptop and set the photo of him and Jared, arms around each other and hopeful grins peering up at the camera with the backdrop of the lake behind them, as his desktop background.

~

It's almost dark by the time they get back to their room, tired, red-faced and cold. It's started to snow outside, just a light fall, not enough to hinder them, but the temperature has dropped considerably since the sun went behind the clouds. Jensen immediately goes to turn the heat on while Jared wraps his arms around himself and shivers.

"Fuck, is this normal weather?" Jared asks, his teeth chattering. Jensen rubs his gloved hands together and nods.

"We were lucky it was clear today, actually," he says, closing his eyes and smiling as the room begins to heat up.

"Thank god for that," Jared says, coming up behind Jensen and wrapping his arms around him. Jensen turns his head to nuzzle underneath Jared's jaw, and Jared laughs softly. They're about to kiss when Jared's stomach interrupts, rumbling loudly.

"Food?" Jensen suggests, and Jared sags against him.

"Hell, yeah. I'm starving."

They'd stopped at a grocery store the previous day and bought enough microwave food to last several days, and Jensen grabs a couple of pizzas out of the freezer for dinner. It's not very exciting, but neither of them can be bothered going out in the bitterly cold weather to go to the cafe, and this way, they can lick each other's fingers and kiss between every mouthful like the sappiest newlyweds in the world. Jared laughs softly whenever Jensen licks between his fingers and over his palm, sucking up traces of oil and salt, and by the time they've finished eating, Jensen's desperate for more.

He pulls Jared down on top of him, kissing him hard, open mouthed, hands roaming all over Jared's back and down to his ass, squeezing the firm muscle. Jared moans and thrusts his hips against Jensen's, rubbing their erections together through their clothes until Jensen's about to come in his pants.

"Wait," he gasps. He wants Jared naked, wants Jared in him. He shoves Jared's pants down, pulls his shirt up, trying desperately to get him naked. Jared's on board immediately, helping Jensen get his clothes off until they're both lying together, skin on skin, hard dicks slick and wet against one another.

"Wanna fuck you so bad," Jared whispers, biting his neck and sucking hard enough to leave a hickey. Jensen doesn't care; Jared's words sent a jolt through him, and he gasps, wrapping his legs around Jared so Jared's cock is pressed against his ass. "I haven't, we need," Jared says, his voice rough, and Jensen groans.

"I didn't bring anything." God, he could fucking hit himself.

"Me neither," Jared sighs, flopping down on top of Jensen and sighing.

"Not even hand lotion?"

"We can still—" Jared starts, sitting up and tugging Jensen around so he's sitting on the couch with his legs spread wide, his cock bouncing obscenely against his stomach. Jensen's eyes widen; is Jared really going to—? Jared answers him wordlessly, licking a wet trail down Jensen's stomach, nuzzling the short hairs trailing down from his belly button, his cheek rubbing against Jensen's cock. Jensen moans and bites his lip, trying not to jerk upwards as Jared breathes over him, following with tiny licks up Jensen's shaft.

"Please," Jensen mumbles, running his hands over Jared's face, through his hair, over his shoulders. Jared's own hands are strong on Jensen's thighs, fingers digging into the muscle as he pulls Jensen forward, forces his legs further apart so Jared can fit between them. He takes Jensen's cock in hand and examines it closely, making Jensen blush bright red.

"I've never—" Jared starts, and cuts himself off. Jensen blinks slowly at him for a moment before he realizes what Jared's saying.

"You've never sucked a cock before?" he asks, surprised. "But you said you've done stuff with guys before."

"I was in school," Jared says wryly. "By 'done stuff' I mean 'jerked another guy off'. And, um, after Sandy?" He squirms uncomfortably. "They sucked me, but I never reciprocated." He shrugs helplessly and looks nervous. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Fuck, no," Jensen breathes, a wave of renewed heat flowing through him. "That's kinda awesome, actually."

Jared still looks uncertain. "I don't really know what I'm doing," he says, resting his cheek on Jensen's stomach, his mouth an inch away from Jensen's cock.

"It's easy," Jensen breathes, taking himself in hand. "Open your mouth—yeah, s'good—and just—" He gently strokes Jared's mouth with the head of his cock, over his lips and the tip of his tongue, slick precome slipping out of the slit and over Jared's face.

Jared moans and closes his eyes, opening his mouth further to take more of Jensen in. It's been a ridiculously long time since Jensen had his dick sucked, and Jared's slow, tentative licks are fucking amazing. He strokes Jared's face, running his thumbs over his cheekbones and down to his lips, feeling how they're stretched around the width of Jensen's cock. Jared opens his eyes, looking up at him with an unmistakable grin, and winks.

Jared's really getting into the swing of things now; he starts sucking Jensen harder, making quiet, whimpering noises as he traces the shape of the head, digging his tongue into the slit and swallowing the precome that leaks steadily from it. He adds his hands to the mix, one wrapped around the base of Jensen's cock, the other playing with his balls.

"You're, uh, really good at this," Jensen gasps. Jared's sucking him with more enthusiasm than skill, but his mouth is wet and tight around Jensen's cock, and saliva drips down the shaft, which Jared uses to slick the movement of his fist. Jensen clenches his hands in Jared's hair, trying not to come too soon, but it's a losing battle, and he manages to gasp out just enough warning for Jared to pull off before he comes everywhere, gasping and jerking as Jared strokes him through it. He feels wrung out, exhausted, and collapses back against the couch, trying to catch his breath.

"Was that okay?" Jared asks, his voice tentative and uncertain.

Jensen pushes himself up to look at Jared, kneeling between his legs, his face flushed and dripping with Jensen's come. "Jesus," Jensen mumbles. "That was _fantastic_."

"Sorry I didn't swallow, I was going to, but then I kinda panicked and pulled away and now it's all over me." Jared frowns, considering, and wipes up a few droplets with his finger. "Does it taste awful? I mean—" he waves his hands, trying to get his point across, "—yeah, I know what it tastes like, but I've never had a whole mouthful, y'know?"

"It's not too bad," Jensen says, pulling Jared close and sucking his finger into his mouth. He's not a huge fan of the taste of come, but the way Jared's eyes widen and his breath catches in his chest is enough to make him want to lick up every last drop. Jared doesn't make a move to stop him, and he runs his hands desperately over Jensen's arms and back while Jensen licks his face, cleaning up his come.

"You want some?" Jensen murmurs when he's done, his lips barely an inch away from Jared's. Jared nods quickly, his mouth dropping open, and Jensen doesn't hesitate to lick his way inside, sharing the taste of his come with Jared. Jared moans and deepens the kiss, crawling up onto the couch and pushing Jensen over so he's on his back, his legs spread wide for Jared to rut between them. Jensen hitches his legs up around Jared's waist, letting Jared rub against his hip, his cock leaking all over Jensen's heated skin. They can't stop kissing; Jensen's breathless with it, drowning under Jared's lips and tongue, the rhythm of their hips almost enough to make him hard again.

"You want—" he starts, shifting a hand to push it between them, but Jared shakes his head, kisses him harder. It doesn't take long before Jared tenses and gasps, heat spreading between their sweat-slick bodies.

They lie there for a few minutes, kissing softly, neither of them willing to move first. Eventually, though, the come between them becomes uncomfortable, and they reluctantly head into the bathroom to get cleaned up.

Jensen doesn't think he's ever going to get tired of going to bed with Jared, feeling their naked bodies pressed together, Jared's breath on the back of his neck, Jared's hand against his stomach.

~

They're on the road by nine after a quick breakfast of frozen waffles and syrupy kisses. Jared has volunteered to drive, and Jensen's happy to be riding shotgun, enjoying the opportunity to look out at the view as well as stare at Jared until he starts blushing under the scrutiny and hits Jensen on the leg, making them both laugh.

"What are we gonna tell people?" Jared asks suddenly.

"About us?" Jensen replies. "What do you _want_ to tell people?"

"That we're together," Jared says promptly. "But I'm not talking about friends—that's the easy part—I'm talking about families. What am I gonna tell mom and dad?"

"They don't know you're—" Jensen says quietly.

"No. There didn't seem to be any point, really, what with Sandy, y'know?"

"Yeah," Jensen replies.

"Your family doesn't know either, do they?"

"No," Jensen sighs. "I've wanted to tell them. But I knew they'd be against it. So I figured I'd wait until there was someone worth telling them about." He looks at Jared, who's staring at the road ahead, face set in a frown. Jensen's suddenly worried, thinking Jared's angry, but Jared glances at him and smiles.

"You'd come out to your family for me?" he asks, still smiling, and Jensen nods.

"If you think this is worth it," he says cautiously. It is to him, but he's still slightly worried that Jared isn't as invested in this as he is.

Jared pulls over suddenly, tires throwing up a wave of gravel. He turns to face Jensen and unclips both their seatbelts so he can lean across the center console and kiss Jensen firmly, meaningfully. Jensen responds immediately, opening up to Jared's tongue and moaning softly as they make out. He's never going to get tired of this; never going to become bored with Jared's mouth on his, Jared's hair soft against his face, the feel of his firm body pressed up against him.

"Yeah, it's worth it," Jared says eventually, pulling away from Jensen's mouth and pressing their foreheads together. "So fucking worth it."

"Good," Jensen mumbles, still dizzy from the kissing.

"How are you gonna tell them?" Jared asks once they're back on the road. "Over the phone?"

"No," Jensen replies. He's been thinking about this all weekend. "Spring break's in two weeks. I thought I might fly down to Dallas for a few days. Tell them in person."

"You want me to come with you? Hold your hand and be your backup?"

Jensen laughs. "You're volunteering to meet my family?" he asks.

Jared frowns, obviously having not thought of it that way. "Well, I'm gonna be in San Antonio over the break, so I won't be far away, is all I'm saying."

"I'll let you know how telling them goes first," Jensen says. "But I gotta tell them. I'm gonna be 24 in a week, I can't go much longer without them knowing. And if they can't handle it? I've got a life up here and don't need to rely on them to support me."

Jared doesn't reply, and Jensen glances over at him. "How will your family react, do you think?" he asks.

"No idea," Jared says. "They've always said they'll love me no matter what, but I've never really tested that. I'm worried they're going to think that bisexual is another word for straight with the occasional tendency to admire a guy."

"Did they ever take you to a church where you had to watch your parents nodding and shouting 'Yes!' when the preacher ranted about how God hates gay people and that it's a terrible sin?" Jensen asks bitterly.

"Jesus! No!" Jared says, distress in his voice. "Did you really—"

"Yeah. Got used to ignoring it after a while."

There's another stretch of silence, then Jared sighs softly. "The offer to come with you still stands, y'know. If you want someone to hold your hand."

"Thanks," Jensen says, meaning it. "I'll see how things go."

"Good," Jared says, reaching over with his right hand and taking hold of Jensen's left one. "Now can we talk about something more exciting? Like the fact that it's your birthday in less than a week and I didn't know? We have to do something fun!"

Jensen groans. "Please, for the love of God, you know how much I hate parties."

"I know, man! I wasn't thinking of a party. I was thinking more of... hmm." He taps his chin thoughtfully. "How about next weekend, we load up on food and drink and we spend the entire weekend on your couch having a Lord of the Rings marathon? All three extended versions, plus the appendices! We can fall asleep on each other and eat a heap of junk food and talk about all the geeky stuff. It'll be awesome! And then on Sunday night when we're completely hyper from no sleep and too much candy, we can go out for dinner with all your friends."

"So... Danneel and Steve?"

"And Jason and Chad! They think you're awesome!"

"That actually sounds like fun," Jensen says thoughtfully.

"Hell fuckin' yeah!" Jared crows. "And we're going to have so much sex, tell Steve he's gotta clear out for the weekend so we can christen your apartment!"

"What, all of it?" Jensen asks, almost swallowing his tongue.

"All of it," Jared says firmly. "Bed, sofa, floor, table, kitchen counter, walls, everything!"

"Holy shit," Jensen says, feeling dizzy. Just the idea of Jared fucking him everywhere in his apartment, the thought of Jared shoving him against the wall and lifting him up so Jensen can wrap his legs around Jared, spread open for his cock, makes Jensen squirm in his seat, uncomfortably hard.

Jared glances at him, grins when he sees the look on Jensen's face, and pulls over.

[PART FOUR](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060827.html)


	4. Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Four

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[big bang](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/big%20bang), [fic](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/fic)  
  
---|---  
  
_**Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Four**_  
[Master Post](http://annella.livejournal.com/1061203.html) | [Part One](http://annella.livejournal.com/1059994.html) | [Part Two](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060294.html) | [Part Three](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060568.html) | **Part Four** | [Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060965.html)

"I'm gonna sleep for a fucking _week_," Jared groans when they arrive back at his apartment. Jensen had volunteered to drive some of the way back, but Jared had refused, saying it was only fair because Jensen had driven all the way there.

"You do that," Jensen chuckles, letting Jared lean on him as they climb the stairs. The apartment's empty, Jason and Chad both out at classes, and the moment the door is closed behind them, Jared's got Jensen shoved up against the wall, a thigh pushed between Jensen's legs and his hands on Jensen's ass.

"Thought you were tired," Jensen gasps, wrapping his arms around Jared and shamelessly humping against the firm stretch of muscle pressed against his cock.

"Mmm, not too tired for this," Jared replies, licking Jensen's neck. He's huge and warm, his body like a furnace against Jensen's, and fuck, Jensen wants him _now_, here, in the hall of Jared's apartment, up against the wall. He starts fumbling with Jared's belt as Jared's mouth descends upon his, kissing him deeply and desperately like they didn't trade blowjobs in the car not an hour previously. Jared moans and jerks, shifting his hips as Jensen gets his pants down enough to pull his cock out.

Jensen's still awed by its size, and he's quickly becoming addicted to the solid weight of it in his hand, the hot, smooth skin, the slick head, and the sounds Jared makes when he touches it. Somehow—Jensen's unsure of the logistics, considering he's seriously distracted by Jared's kisses—they both manage to get their pants down, naked cocks sliding against each other, feeling so fucking amazing. Jared slides his hands around behind Jensen's thighs and lifts him, suddenly and quickly, supporting his weight easily. His cock slips down to nudge at Jensen's ass, and they both freeze, staring at each other.

"Bedroom," they both say at the same time after a brief pause. Jensen would really like Jared to fuck him right here, in this position, but lube and condoms are too far away, and Jensen makes a mental note to definitely try this over the weekend. They stumble towards Jared's room, shedding clothes all the way until they finally tumble onto the bed, completely naked.

"You ever—" Jensen manages to ask around Jared's kisses. They're like a drug; he can't get enough of Jared's mouth, his tongue, his lips, the way he bites Jensen's lower lip and tugs gently.

"Never fucked a guy, if that's what you're asking," Jared says, suddenly sounding nervous. He pulls back, looking at Jensen with wide eyes.

"'S okay," Jensen murmurs, sitting up to kiss Jared again before pushing him down onto his back. "Just stay there, okay?" He leans over to pull open the drawer on Jared's bedside cabinet, and as he's rummaging for lube and condoms, Jared starts kissing his chest and stomach, soft, wet kisses that make Jensen whimper and his cock harden even more. Jared starts stroking him firmly, smearing precome, and Jensen's shaking, trying to maintain his balance before finally locating a foil packet and a well-squeezed tube.

He's suddenly self-conscious; Jared stares up at him and smiles, brushing a hand over Jensen's face as he pops the lid on the tube and squeezes clear fluid onto his fingers. He's never really done this before—most of his sexual encounters have involved dark rooms, hasty prep, and very little satisfaction. It's a new experience to show off like this, to lean over Jared and support himself on one hand while his other hand slips between his legs, presses against his hole. This he's done before; hell _yes_ he's done this, fucked himself with his fingers while imagining it's Jared's cock, imagining how stretched he'll be, how incredible Jared will feel inside him.

"Wow," Jared murmurs, craning his neck to see what Jensen's doing. He runs a hand down Jensen's back, over the curve of his ass, and adds a finger to Jensen's, slicking it in the lube all over Jensen's hand and pressing it inside him.

"See?" Jensen pants, "it's easy." He's sweating, shaking, so turned on he feels like he's going to explode, and having Jared's finger inside him makes him moan.

"God, Jensen," Jared says, gasping for breath and shifting his hips, "I really want to fuck you."

Jensen doesn't need to be told twice; he slides his fingers out and tears the condom open with his teeth, writhing and grunting as Jared continues to finger fuck him while he rolls the latex over Jared's cock. He slicks him up with the remainder of the lube on his hand, and shifts so he's straddling Jared's waist, his ass directly over Jared's cock.

It's a slow, torturous slide down. Jensen would dearly love to just sit down, shove Jared all the way in without delay, but _fuck_, he doesn't think he's ever had a cock this big inside him. Even his biggest dildo isn't as wide or long, and it takes some time before Jared's all the way inside.

"Oh, God," Jared chokes out.

"You okay?" Jensen says softly, catching his breath. He doesn't start moving, not yet, and Jared wraps a hand around his cock, coaxing him back to full hardness.

"It's just—you're so fucking _tight_."

"Fucking _oughta_ be," Jensen grunts, shifting his weight a little, and Jared groans again, his hips twitching. His hands don't know where to settle; they slide up and down Jensen's back, over his ass, before finally tightening on his hips and holding him down as Jared thrusts up. Jensen gasps and tosses his head back; fuck, that feels _good_. It's been way too long since he's had a really good fuck, and using his fingers just isn't the same.

"God, you look so hot," Jared whimpers, digging his fingers into Jensen's hips as he fucks up into him. Jensen smiles fleetingly at him, moaning when Jared manages to hit his prostate. He's fully hard again, his cock twitching against his stomach, leaking precome, and he starts stroking himself, panting as Jared's cock pounds him deep inside.

"So good," he mumbles, unable to be more coherent than that. Jared nods agreement before pulling him down for a kiss, and their mouths barely meet before Jared rolls them, pushing Jensen onto his back and pressing his cock back inside. "Jesus," Jensen hisses, spreading his legs wider, feeling almost painfully open and exposed when Jared sits back and watches himself fucking Jensen.

"Fuck," Jared says, his voice wrecked, and he slips a hand down between them, stroking the slick, abused skin around Jensen's hole while he fucks him. Jensen can feel his orgasm building; his cock leaking constantly, his balls tight, and he wraps his legs around Jared, pulling him back down for a kiss. Jared's hair tickles his face and his sweat-slick skin slides easily against Jensen's as they make out, bodies rocking together.

Jensen's so close to the edge; his body is on fire, his balls aching with the need to come. "I need—I want—" he pants, taking Jared's hand and forcing it between them, and Jared gets the idea immediately. He wraps his huge hand around Jensen's dick, jerking it hard and fast, and that's all Jensen needs to come, long and hard and amazing, smearing come between their bodies and all over Jared's hand. Jared moans, bites Jensen's neck, and his entire body shakes when he comes. He wavers above Jensen for a moment, breathing hard, before collapsing down on top of him with a heavy sigh.

"That was—" Jared starts, then falls silent.

"Good?"

"Fucking _amazing_. I'm never fucking girls _again_." Jared slowly pulls out, disposes of the condom, and grabs the shirt he was wearing off the floor, using it to wipe them both down.

"Glad to hear it," Jensen says, laughing. His entire body aches, particularly his ass, and now he's even more tired than he was before.

"Sleep?" Jared asks, and Jensen nods, rolling over and wrapping himself around Jared. They're both asleep in moments, exhausted from the long drive and the incredible sex that followed.

~

Jensen's woken from a deep sleep by a loud shriek. He jerks awake, his heart pounding, and is immediately aware of Jared lying almost completely on top of him, snoring gently into his neck. If the shriek didn't come from Jared, then who—

"This is the worst thing I've ever come home to," Chad says. "_Ever_."

Jensen looks over to the doorway and sees Chad standing there, his eyes screwed shut and a pained expression on his face. Jensen can't blame him; he and Jared are both completely naked, sprawled on the bed in obvious post-coital bliss, with the door wide open and a trail of clothes leading out into the hall.

"Sorry," Jensen says, trying not to laugh as he tugs the blankets up, covering them both enough to preserve what little modesty remains to them. "You can look now. If you want."

"I hate you both," Chad grumbles, opening his eyes and glaring. "Way to shock a guy."

"Hmm?" Jared mumbles, waking up. He doesn't seem to have noticed Chad, judging from the way he immediately pulls Jensen into a kiss, warm and deep and enough to make Jensen forget about the guy in the doorway.

"You are both disgusting," Chad proclaims loudly, "and I'm never going to forgive you." He punctuates his final statement by slamming Jared's door closed, but neither of them pay him any attention, too wrapped up in each other to care.

"Mmm, I like this," Jared says, stroking a hand over Jensen's stomach and down further to loosely grasp his dick. Jensen's gotta agree—waking up next to someone and not having to worry about what happens next is awesome, especially when that someone's first act upon waking is to make out with you while stroking your cock.

Jensen shifts, pushing his hips up into Jared's hand, grinning widely when he feels the pleasant ache in his ass, a reminder that Jared's dick had been in there barely an hour ago.

"What?" Jared asks between kisses. His hand is still frustratingly loose, stroking Jensen's rapidly hardening cock so infuriatingly lightly that Jensen groans and buries his face in Jared's shoulder.

"Just... gonna be walking funny for a while," Jensen replies, taking Jared's other hand and pressing it against his ass, spreading his legs so Jared's fingers slip against his hole, still wet and swollen.

"Fuck," Jared mumbles, and he finally—finally!—tightens his grip, jerking Jensen off smoothly while he plays with his ass, dipping a fingertip inside and making Jensen squirm.

"Jesus," Jensen pants, biting Jared's neck and sucking a bruise into the skin as his cock pulses, wetting Jared's hand and both their stomachs. He's about to reciprocate when Jared pushes him over onto his back and grabs his hands, keeping them above his head while he ruts against Jensen's hip, his cock sliding against the come-soaked skin. It's only moments before Jared comes too, shooting up Jensen's body. He collapses against him moments later, their sticky bodies sliding wetly together in a way that should gross Jensen out. but just makes him feel really fucking happy instead.

"I'm really kinda glad Chad came home when he did, and not five minutes later," Jensen says thoughtfully, and Jared laughs.

~

Their friends don't seem surprised at all; it's not like they hadn't known about Jensen's crush for weeks. Come to think of it, though, Jensen's not sure whether Chad knew, but he definitely knows now, so they don't have to bother telling him. When Jensen mentions it to Jason, he laughs. "Did you hit him over the head, finally?" he asks, and Jared squeaks.

"Did everyone know but me?" he asks, frowning.

"You're not very observant," Jensen says, and he and Jason share a laugh before Jared gives up and joins in.

When Jensen tells Steve, he sighs, "Finally," before putting his headphones back on, and no more is said about it. Danneel shrieks and hugs them both, and Jensen is slightly concerned when she says she's looking forward to catching them making out.

"No way," he says firmly. That's just _wrong_.

"Prude," Jared says, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him until he's breathless. Danneel sighs happily, and Jensen just glares at her.

Jensen spends the rest of the week in a complete daze, not hearing anything that's going on in his classes, barely paying attention at work. Every moment is focused on how long until he can see Jared again, and he's kinda hoping he gets over it soon—he doesn't want to flunk out because of a boyfriend.

He hasn't forgotten Jared's plans for his birthday that weekend. He's really looking forward to it; it's been months since he watched Lord of the Rings, even though he's not really expecting to get a whole lot of watching done with Jared there.

"You gotta clear out this weekend," he says bluntly to Steve during the week.

"What? Why?"

"Jared's coming over. We're going to watch movies and eat junk food and have sex everywhere."

"You—you _what?_ You're sexiling me from the entire apartment? Dude!"

"You can hang around if you want," Jensen says, "but there will be nakedness and gay man love. You might wanna leave."

"I hate you," Steve says, glaring.

"Think of it as payback for all the times you sexiled me in the dorms," Jensen says calmly. He's feeling ridiculously smug about this entire conversation.

Steve eventually complies, grumbling, and Jensen gets ridiculously excited when he leaves on Friday afternoon to spend the weekend on Tom's couch. Jensen feels a certain vindictive glee about this—he hates Tom, doesn't know how Steve can still be friends with him. He's a complete asshole and pretty much Jensen's least favorite person in the world. Tom had slept with him when Jensen was a freshman, then freaked out and outed Jensen to his entire fraternity. He's apologized since, and Jensen manages to be cordial when he's unlucky enough to run into him, but that doesn't mean Jensen has to like him.

He hopes Steve tells Tom the exact reason why Jensen's kicked him out for the weekend.

Jared arrives on the dot of seven, bearing several bags of food and a huge grin. He barely manages to put the bags down before Jensen's got him up against the wall, kissing him.

They have sex there, right next to the door, Jensen's legs wrapped around Jared's waist, Jared fucking into him with long, torturous strokes, while the Thai takeout cools on the floor beside them.

"Um, Steve's gone, right?" Jared asks nervously, a few minutes later.

"Nah, he's in the living room," Jensen says seriously. "He's gonna stick around, hope that's okay."

Jared stares at him, wide-eyed, a look of horror on his face, and Jensen can only hold out for a few seconds before he busts out laughing.

"You ass," Jared grumbles, hitching his pants back up. "No more sex for you this weekend."

"Whatever," Jensen says, following Jared into the kitchen after getting his own pants back on. "You'll last maybe half an hour."

"Yeah," Jared sighs, putting the food in the microwave to reheat. "Probably not even that."

They're both wrong; they make it through the entire first disk of Fellowship of the Ring, discussing the intricacies of movie versus book and which of the actors is the hottest. They spend most of the Rivendell scene arguing about which of them is Legolas and which is Aragorn.

"You're Legolas," Jensen says firmly. "You're tall and beautiful and have girly hair."

"My hair isn't girly!" Jared objects. "It's rugged and manly, like Aragorn. Besides, you're the pretty one, so you're Legolas."

"But—"

"And I'm clumsy," Jared continues. "Elves aren't clumsy. You're way more graceful than me."

"You haven't seen me dance," Jensen points out uselessly, knowing there's no way he's going to win this one.

"Don't need to," Jared says confidently. "I'm not allowed to dance in public. Jason and Chad made me promise."

During the second half of the movie, Jared starts touching Jensen's hand under the blanket they've thrown over themselves to keep warm. Just his fingertips at first, light, tender strokes, until Jensen's shivering, wanting more. Jared's hands are wonderfully huge, easily encompassing Jensen's, and he runs a light touch over Jensen's palm, over and over, up and around his fingers, stroking the junctures between them and driving Jensen mad. He doesn't want to say anything, doesn't want Jared to stop, and he tries to concentrate on the Fellowships's journey through the Mines of Moria, tries not to come in his pants just from Jared stroking his hand.

Jared goes down on him just as the Fellowship enters Lothlorien, and Jensen's ridiculously glad that Jared waited until then, because it's one of the more tedious parts of the movie, and if Jared had made a move during the Balrog attack, Jensen would have had to stop him.

The fact that Jensen would stop his boyfriend from giving him a blowjob because he wants to watch Gandalf call, "You shall not pass!" is something Jensen is never going to admit to Jared. He leans back and moans as Jared licks and sucks him, rolling his balls in one hand and rubbing the base of Jensen's cock with the other. Jensen comes way too quickly; Jared's gotten really good at blowjobs over the past week.

Jensen can't believe it's only been a week since Jared kissed him for the first time.

"Frodo and Sam are so doing each other," Jensen says later. He can only see part of the screen, because of the way he's curled up against Jared's chest, but he's seen this movie so many times that it doesn't matter. They're both naked now, clothing discarded so they can wrap themselves around each other without anything getting in the way.

Jared stirs; he must have dozed off after Jensen finished jerking him off. Jensen loves being able to feel Jared's heartbeat against his cheek, and he snuggles closer. "Fuck yeah," Jared agrees lazily. "That whole master/servant thing they got going? Totally a euphemism for fucking like bunnies."

"The entire Fellowship was fucking like bunnies," Jensen adds. "Even Gandalf was getting some before he fell."

"Eww," Jared says, wrinkling his nose. Jensen pokes him in the side.

"Don't diss Ian McKellan," he says jokingly. "That man is a fucking legend."

"Yeah, but I don't particularly want to imagine Gandalf getting busy."

"It's with Gimli," Jensen says thoughtfully. "I mean, he's the only one left."

"How do you figure that? No, wait, I don't want to know!"

"Frodo and Sam," Jensen says, ignoring Jared's plea, "Merry and Pippin, Aragorn and Boromir and Legolas in a three-way with Legolas in the middle, and that leaves Gimli and Gandalf."

There's a laden pause, and Jared clears his throat. "You've been thinking _way_ too much about this," he says eventually.

"There are lots of boring bits in the movies," Jensen says. "When Boromir dies, Gimli gets a little elf/human action to make up for losing Gandalf, and that pretty much goes on for the rest of the movies. Then when Gandalf comes back, Merry and Pippin have a fight, Pippin rides off with Gandalf, and Merry gets comforted by Eowyn."

"I hate to ask, but what about Eomer?" Jared asks cautiously. "Poor guy's only got his uncle, which, eww."

"He had a minor thing with Aragorn before they went their separate ways at Dunharrow. And after Aragorn was crowned, he would go visit Rohan quite frequently, leaving Arwen to be comforted by Gandalf."

Jared looks down at him, a slight frown on his face. "Is this why you don't talk to people?"

Jensen nods. "Pretty much. Most normal people like to talk about their jobs, or their kids, or sports. I talk about things which make them back away slowly." He sighs. "I wish I was less weird. I'd have more friends."

"Don't be an idiot," Jared says affectionately. "You're not weird. Besides, if you were 'normal', as you say, I wouldn't want to date you."

Jensen mostly believes him. He's considering an answer when the Uruk-hai attack, and his attention returns to the movie.

"You wanna start watching the appendices?" Jared asks once the credits have finished rolling. Jensen's almost asleep, but he nods anyway, not wanting to disentangle himself from Jared for longer than it takes to change the disk. He doesn't last ten minutes, though, and he wakes up just enough that Jared doesn't have to physically carry him to bed. He mumbles something about tidying up all the trash in the living room, but Jared just pulls the covers down and forces Jensen into bed before switching off the light and getting in himself, curling up around Jensen.

~

They fuck in the shower the next morning, Jensen bent over as much as he can with his cheek smooshed against the tiles, his hands grasping for purchase on the smooth surface, while Jared fucks him slowly from behind. Jared's got an incredibly dirty mouth, Jensen's discovered, and it doesn't take much to get him going.

"Love watching your ass take me," he groans, "seeing my dick stretch you out, all swollen and wet. Wanna take a fucking picture, so fucking hot." Jensen almost wants to laugh—it sounds like Jared's been watching too much bad porn—but it feels so good, and Jared's words burn into him, making him moan. He comes quickly, Jared's hand tight on his dick, Jared's body pressed close, the hot water streaming over him and washing away his come.

~

Jensen doesn't know how much actual movie watching they're going to get done this weekend. A mere fifteen minutes after their fuck in the shower, followed by an excess of groping under the guise of drying each other off, Jensen finds himself bent over the kitchen counter, his pants around his ankles and Jared's tongue up his ass. He's really fucking good at it, too, knows exactly where and how to lick and suck, and Jensen's nearly incoherent with lust, his cock hanging swollen between his legs as Jared works him over.

Jensen's never come untouched in his life, but he almost does that day, needing only a single, fumbled tug on his cock before he's gasping and clenching, streaking white all over the kitchen cabinets in front of him.

"Holy shit," he mumbles as his knees give out and he slides to the floor, turning around so he's sitting leaning against the cabinets. Jared grins at him and wipes his mouth, his eyes bright as he looks down at Jensen. He's at just the right height for Jensen to yank his pants down and swallow his dick, so he does just that.

They're naked again by the time they finally get breakfast cooked, and after an incident with the pancake syrup, they eventually make their way back to the living room, where Jared makes himself comfortable on the couch while Jensen gets the DVD player set up.

It's like this for the entire weekend; a never-ending cycle of eat, watch TV, fuck, sleep, eat, and by late Sunday afternoon Jensen's exhausted, aching, and ridiculously happy. They finally made it to the end of the Return of the King, even though Jensen fell asleep just after Aragorn is crowned. Jared must have been asleep as well, because when Jensen wakes up it's to the DVD menu on the TV and the sounds of someone coming in the front door.

"Great," he sighs, looking at the state of himself, Jared, and the room. There are take-out cartons everywhere, dirty dishes, candy wrappers, as well as condom wrappers and lube. He and Jared are both naked, and Jensen's pretty sure that the uncomfortable scratchiness on his face is dried come.

"Jensen?" someone calls nervously from the hallway. It's Steve, and Jensen curses softly to himself.

"Yeah?" he replies, hurriedly making sure the blankets are covering everything.

"I'm assuming you're naked, so I'm going to my room," Steve calls through the living room door. "You guys have fifteen minutes to get dressed and get the sex smell outta the place!" Jensen hears a door slam, and he sighs, relieved.

Waking Jared up can be difficult, but Jensen manages eventually, and when Steve comes in fifteen minutes later, they're both decent, and most of the trash has been cleared away. Jensen even washed his face, but no amount of washing will get rid of the bruises decorating his neck. Jared likes to bite, and Jensen, apparently, likes to be bitten. It had been a new discovery, and Jared had spent a large proportion of The Two Towers exploiting the way Jensen turned to jelly every time Jared used his teeth.

"You're disgusting," Steve informs them when he dares to come in. "At least tell me you didn't fuck on my bed?"

"Eww," Jensen says, shuddering. "You've had _girls_ in there."

"Well, thank God for small mercies," Steve grunts, flopping into a chair.

"That chair, though," Jensen starts, and bursts out laughing when Steve leaps up, a horrified look on his face.

"Don't be mean to the straight guy," Jared chides, laughing along with Jensen, "otherwise he might not come out with us tonight."

"Out?" Steve asks suspiciously. He's leaning against the wall, and Jensen decides not to mention that he and Jared actually did fuck there.

"My birthday, you ass," Jensen replies. "I told you the other day."

"Oh, right," Steve says, looking relieved. "I thought you were going to, I dunno, try to take me to a gay bar or something."

Jared looks at Jensen and purses his lips. "We should go to a gay bar one day. I've never been to one."

"I'm leaving," Steve says pointedly when Jensen leans in to kiss Jared. "Jesus, Jensen, I never woulda helped you out with Jared if I'd known how gross you two were going to be."

"You didn't help," Jensen reminds him, but Steve waves it away and heads out of the room.

"Seriously," Jared says, "we should go to a gay bar. I've never been! And I've been twenty-one for almost a year! This is unacceptable, Jensen."

"I've never been to one either," Jensen admits.

"But—"

"Socially retarded, remember? I don't even go to _regular_ bars."

"Would you go to a gay bar with me?" Jared looks at him, his face creasing into a sad frown, and there's no fucking way Jensen can deny that look.

"Fine," he sighs. "As long as we don't have to dance."

"Fine with me," Jared says enthusiastically. "Not tonight, though, 'cause we gotta go spend time with other people, much as I'd prefer to keep you here and do dirty, dirty things to you." He nuzzles Jensen's neck, and Jensen laughs.

"Because the past two days weren't enough?"

"Never," Jared growls, biting him again.

~

"You're drunk," Jared proclaims when they fall through the door to the apartment a couple of hours later. He's all over Jensen, over six feet of laughing, stumbling Jared, and Jensen can barely hold himself up, let alone Jared.

"You're both drunk," Steve grumbles, pushing them inside and closing the door behind them. "I can't believe I had to be the fucking sober driver!"

"Deal with it," Jensen says drowsily, leaning against Jared and nuzzling into his open collar. "My birthday, so I get to drink." He smiles against Jared's skin, licking and kissing him, shifting closer when Jared pulls him in.

"Please, God, not here," Steve says, but Jensen can hardly hear him through the haze of want surging through him at the feel of Jared's erection pressed against his stomach.

"C'mon," Jared murmurs, tugging at Jensen's arms, pulling him towards the bedroom. Jensen falls back onto his bed with a sigh, watching Jared close the door and turn the bedside light on.

"You gonna fuck me?" Jensen asks, reaching down to rub his cock through his pants. He's had just enough alcohol to make him ridiculously horny, and he sighs in pleasure as he strokes over the head of his dick, feeling it harden under his hand.

"Hell yeah," Jared breathes, unzipping his pants and pushing them down. Jensen watches him strip, not bothering to undress himself. His cock leaks through his underwear and he can feel a damp patch forming in his jeans as he rubs harder, circling the head and spreading his legs a little. He's still drunk; his head is spinning a little and he can feel the alcohol running through him, making him hot and needy.

"You like this?" he murmurs, undoing his pants and getting his cock out. Jared groans and gets onto the bed, straddling Jensen's thighs and watching as he jerks his cock. Jared's completely hard as well, his cock standing out from his body, slick and hot.

"I want—can I—" Jared asks softly, and moves up so he's sitting directly over Jensen's dick. Jensen gasps, feeling Jared's ass brush against the head, spurts of precome slicking the way as his cock head rubs against Jared's hole. Jensen doesn't reply—doesn't think he _can_—and reaches over to grab the lube and condoms from his bedside table. Jared's eyes widen as he watches Jensen pour slick over his fingers, and pushes himself up onto his hands and knees to give him access.

"Go slow, okay?" he says, panting a little. Jensen nods, still mute, and carefully slides his clean hand down to Jared's ass, spreading him open for his slippery fingers.

"You ever had anything up here before?" Jensen asks curiously.

"No," Jared replies, his breath hitching as Jensen slides a finger inside. "Thought about it."

Jensen's stomach flips, and he carefully adds a second finger. Jared's wide-eyed, gasping, his face flushed and his cock dripping precome all over Jensen's shirt as he jerks his hips and pushes back against the intrusion.

"Oh, God," Jared moans, his voice cracking. His hands run constantly over Jensen's body, unable to settle on one place, and Jensen's desperate to fuck. It's been a long time since he topped, and he prefers not to think about the one time it happened. With Jared, it's completely different—gorgeous, sweaty Jared, squirming on Jensen's fingers, begging for dick like he's as big a cockslut as Jensen. He's stroking himself urgently, soaking his fingers in precome, and Jensen bites his lip as he watches.

"C'mon," Jared grunts, reaching for the condoms and tearing one open with his teeth. He seems to be having trouble concentrating; his hands are shaking as he rolls the condom down over Jensen's dick, and Jensen grins, fucking him harder with his fingers.

The condom finally on, Jared shifts forward a little and reaches back to guide Jensen's dick into him. Jensen grips Jared's hips tightly, groaning as he sinks slowly into Jared's body. Jared pushes back little by little, his jaw clenched as he forces Jensen's cock past the initial resistance. By the time he's fully inside, Jensen's buzzing, sweating, his mouth hanging open as he gasps for breath against the intense sensation of Jared's body tight around his own.

"Jensen?" Jared's voice sounds like it's coming from far away, and Jensen blinks, looking up at him. "Move? Now, please?"

Jensen nods—he doesn't trust himself to speak—and thrusts, forcing Jared into a rhythm. It's the most amazing thing Jensen's ever seen; even better than he could have imagined. Jared's gaze is fixed on him, his mouth curving up in a faint smile as he rides Jensen's dick. His body is flushed red, droplets of sweat running down from his hair, along the cut of his muscles, and Jensen moans, stroking Jared all over with frantic touches, catching the sweat and rubbing it into his skin.

"Oh my God," Jared moans, jerking his cock hard, fast, and Jensen bucks up into him when he tightens and spurts all over Jensen's stomach and chest. It happens so quickly—so unexpectedly—that Jensen bites his lip, squeezes Jared's hips so hard he'll probably bruise, and comes.

"Holy shit," he pants, amazed at Jared's reaction to being fucked. This is a million times better than the last time he did this; the guy had been limp all the way through, and Jensen had eventually given up and just sucked him off. Jared collapses down on top of him, chest heaving, not caring about the mess of come between them, and kisses Jensen deeply.

"That was amazing," he mumbles, and Jensen laughs softly.

They clean up quickly, rushing to the bathroom across the hall and hoping Steve isn't going to venture out, but judging by the loud music coming from his room, Jensen's pretty sure he's not going to be poking his head out anytime soon. Once they're back in bed, with Jensen on his back and Jared sprawled half over him, a comfortable silence falls between them, broken only by soft sounds when they kiss and touch idly.

"I'm going home over Spring Break," Jensen says suddenly. Jared pushes himself up on one elbow and looks at him, a worried frown on his face.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I need to tell them."

Jared takes his hand, gripping it tight and stroking his palm. "If you think you need to. I'm gonna be in San Antonio, so you can gimme a call if you need anything." _If you need a place to stay_, Jensen hears, and he sighs, rolling over and burying his face in Jared's neck.

~

Jensen's sick with worry as his plane comes in to land at Dallas Forth Worth Airport. This is the first time he's come home in over two years, the first time he's seen his parents in as long. He talks to them occasionally; they call him up every once in a while to check that he's doing okay, but every time they ask him when he's coming home again or whether he's got himself a girlfriend yet, he changes the subject.

Going home means telling them.

Jensen shifts in his seat and breathes deeply as the plane touches down. The moment he sets foot in the terminal, he calls Jared, rubbing a hand over his hair as he paces, waiting for Jared to pick up.

"How you doing?"

Jensen sighs. Just hearing Jared's voice is reassuring. "Terrified," he admits.

"Look, you don't have to do this if you don't feel ready," Jared says. "Even if you wait 'til tomorrow; I'll be in San Antonio by then, and you can come here if things don't work out."

"Thanks," Jensen says. "But they're gonna know something's up the moment they see me, and I'll have to tell them."

"Good luck," Jared says softly. "Call me when you've done it, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks," Jensen says, and hangs up. He takes a deep breath and picks up his bags—time to face the music.

The welcome is about as enthusiastic as Jensen had expected. His mom bursts into tears and hugs him so tightly Jensen has to make her let go eventually because he's starting to have difficulty breathing. "I'm sorry," she chokes out, wiping her eyes, "we just missed you so much! I think you've grown even more!" Even his dad, who is usually the type to give a brisk handshake and a pat on the back, envelops him in a hug and ruffles his hair. Then his sister is there, and Jensen feels a huge wave of relief as he scoops her up in a hug. She's grown as well, but she's still small enough for Jensen to pick up, and she bursts out laughing, yelling at him to put her down. Jensen's always got on well with Mackenzie, and he figures he can talk to her first before breaking the news to his parents.

On the drive home, Jensen makes a valiant effort to be cheerful and relaxed, hiding the mind-numbing terror gripping his stomach. It seems to work; he hasn't had to deal with any worried looks or concerned questions.

The house hasn't changed much at all, except for a few more boxes piled up in the corners of Jensen's old room, part of the inevitable shift from child's bedroom to study or guest room. He puts his bag down on his bed, and his mom tells him to be down in half an hour for dinner before leaving him alone.

Not quite alone; Mackenzie had followed him upstairs, and she perches on the end of the bed, frowning at him.

"Um, what—" he starts, but she interrupts.

"What's going on?"

"Why—"

"You haven't been home for over two years. You even spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with friends or you go see Josh and his family. No way you came home at Spring Break just for fun."

Jensen shuts the door and sits down beside her. "Do mom and dad think something's wrong?" he asks.

Mackenzie shrugs. "I dunno, I just got back from Austin yesterday. I think they were too excited about seeing you to be worried."

"You're right," Jensen sighs. "There _is_ something. I just—I have no idea how to say it."

"Practice on me," she suggests. "I won't judge you. What's happened? Got a girl pregnant? Failed your course? Been arrested for something?"

"No! I—shit." He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and gets out a small picture of Jared he'd printed off the other day.

"Ooh," Mackenzie says admiringly when he hands it to her. "He's cute. Who is he?"

"That's Jared," Jensen says, and takes a deep breath. "My boyfriend."

"Oh. _Oh!_ Your _boyfriend?_ Wow. I was not expecting that."

Jensen's scared to look at her, scared that he's going to see disgust and condemnation in her face, but when he turns to face her, all he sees is compassion. "That's why—" he starts, gesturing uselessly when he can't finish the sentence.

"You've been too scared to face them," she says softly. "You're scared they're going to hate you."

"Are they?"

Mackenzie frowns. "They've changed a bit, I think. Mellowed out in their old age."

"What happened? They've never really been what I'd call 'mellow'."

"They stopped going to their old church a while ago, started going to a different one. I asked mom why; she said there was a new minister who was—and I quote—an ass. Kept raving on about how women needed to get back into the kitchen so the world could go back to its natural order, or some shit. You can imagine how mom felt about that."

"You think they might have changed their minds about 'all gays are going to hell' as well?"

"Dunno," Mackenzie sighs. "I've never talked to them about it. You want me to be there when you tell them?"

"Yeah," Jensen chokes out, feeling a little overwhelmed and a lot relieved by his sister's support.

"And if it doesn't work out, I'll take you to my dorm in Austin and we'll spend Spring Break there. My roommate's in Florida the whole week so there'll be a spare bed."

"Thanks," Jensen says, "but if it doesn't work out, Jared said to come to San Antonio and stay with him there."

"Fine," Mackenzie said, rolling her eyes, "choose your hot boyfriend over me."

"Any day," Jensen says, grinning.

~

They're halfway through dinner when Jensen finally gets up the courage to tell them. He puts his knife and fork down and clears his throat, and his parents look at him quizzically. He feels like he's about to choke, but then Mackenzie nudges his foot under the table, presses firmly against it with her own, and he smiles at her, relaxing a little.

"Um. I kinda have something to tell you," he says quietly.

"What is it, honey?" his mom asks, looking expectant and a little worried.

"I, um." He clears his throat. "I'm seeing someone. It's kinda serious."

"That's wonderful!" his mom exclaims, her face lighting up.

"Good for you," his dad murmurs, looking pleased.

"What's her name? What does she do? How long have you two been together?" his mom asks, and Jensen swallows painfully, looking at his plate.

"Jared," he says quietly, and there's a pause.

"That's a strange name for a girl," his dad says in a tight voice.

"He's not a girl." He can barely hear himself, but the shocked silence that follows lets him know that his parents have heard him well enough.

"Jensen, are you saying you're gay?" his dad says sternly. His mom chokes out a sob, and Jensen nods. He can't look up, he can't bear to see the expressions on his parents' faces, and he shoves his chair back, rushing out of the room and upstairs, slamming his door behind him.

He calls Jared immediately, and is relieved when Jared answers after only one ring. "Jensen? You okay?"

"I told them," he says, sitting down on the bed.

"And?"

"I dunno. I left. Didn't give them the chance to yell at me."

"Shit, Jensen... I'd be there if I could, you know that. But I don't fly in until tomorrow morning."

"I know. Don't worry; Mackenzie's here, and she's supportive."

"Thank God. You gonna be okay?"

"I think so," Jensen says, rubbing a hand over his face. "The worst part is over. Now I just gotta deal with the aftermath."

There's a knock at his door. "Shit, gotta go," he says. "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay. Good luck."

"Who is it?" he calls after closing his phone.

"It's me," Mackenzie calls, and Jensen gets up to open the door.

"Well?" he asks, his stomach twisting.

"I don't know," she sighs, sitting down next to him and putting an arm around his shoulders. "They told me to leave, and I tried to eavesdrop through the door but couldn't hear anything."

Jensen buries his face in his hands and groans. "Did they sound angry?"

"Like I said, I couldn't hear anything. But I guess that means they weren't shouting."

"No, they'll save that for me." Jensen flops back on his bed and stares at the patterns he made on the ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars when he was a kid. The stickers had come with star charts, and he'd made as many of the patterns as he could, but whenever he lay in bed staring at them, they were all just a huge mess of stars, the carefully-laid constellations turning into random dots of light. His life feels a bit like that at the moment; so carefully laid out and planned, and despite his best efforts, it's turning into a huge mess because of this one thing he can't change about himself.

There's another knock at the door, and Jensen sits up, his heart in his mouth, just as the door opens and his parents come in, somber looks on their faces. "Mackenzie, would you go and start washing up?" his mom asks. Mackenzie looks at Jensen, obviously willing to stay if he wants her to, but he just indicates that she can go.

They sit down beside him, his mom on his left, his dad on his right, and Jensen feels trapped, unable to escape. He tries to slow his breathing, ease his panic, but it doesn't work very well. He desperately wants Jared here now, needs his calming and grounding influence.

"Jensen, honey, your dad and I... we're confused. We don't understand why you would choose to take this path."

Jensen stares at his mom, frowning. "Choose?"

"We thought we instilled the correct values in you as a child," his dad picks up. "Son, this is a sin. It's wrong."

Jensen stands up, shoving their hands away, and leans against the wall, pressing his forehead to the rough wallpaper. "How can you think this is a choice? Why would I choose to be like this? Why would _anyone_ choose to be like this?"

"You can change, Jensen, you just need to—"

"No," Jensen interrupts. "I'm not going to change. I don't _want_ to change. Why would I? If you'd said this two years ago, I might have listened, but that was because I was unhappy. Now, though?" He turns to face them, trying to keep himself from yelling. "I'm happy. Really, _really_ happy. And I always thought that as long as I was happy, you would be happy for me."

"How can you be happy when you're throwing away everything you were taught?" Jensen's father says, sounding angry. "You know how important our faith is to us. And you're throwing it in our faces. We can't have this, Jensen."

Jensen runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "_Your_ faith, dad. Not mine. But you know what? Fine. I'm gonna give you guys a choice. Either you can accept me for who I am, accept that I am happy, with a boyfriend who I love, with friends who support me, and with a really good prospect of a successful career, or I can leave, and you won't ever have to see me again. You can pretend that the son who disappointed you so much doesn't exist anymore."

"Jensen, we—"

"You can go now, thanks. I'd like to call my boyfriend, and then get some sleep. Let me know what you choose. If it's the first option, that's great. If not, I'll leave as soon as possible."

His parents glance at each other, and his dad nods, taking his mom's hand as they leave the room. Jensen stands with his back against the door for a minute after they leave, breathing deeply, before locking the door and stripping his clothes off to get into bed.

He texts Jared under the covers, telling him how it went down, and that he might need to stay with him after all. There's a reply almost immediately—_anything you need_—and Jensen smiles. _Can u come c me 2moro?_ he asks. He's not sure how quickly Jared can get to Dallas tomorrow—his flight doesn't get to San Antonio until after midday, and it's a good four hour drive from there. And that's assuming Jared's parents don't mind him promptly vanishing for eight hours just after he's arrived home.

_no prob, I called m&amp;d 2nite &amp; told them about u. they're fine with it._

_at least one of us is welcome at his home._ Jensen sighs and tries to go to sleep, ignoring the occasional knocks at his door.

~

He wakes up to the sound of someone pounding on his door and yelling his name. It's Mackenzie; he glances at his watch and is surprised to see that he's slept until almost midday. The previous few days had been stressful; all he could think about was telling his parents, and now that it's over—even if he's not sure what the outcome is going to be—he's feeling a lot more relaxed. He crawls out of bed and pulls a pair of sweat pants on before unlocking the door and letting her in.

"Jesus, Jensen," she snaps, shutting the door behind her and going to sit on his bed. "I thought you were dead or something."

"Just sleeping," Jensen says, yawning. "Where are mom and dad?"

"Gone out," she says. "Mom said they were going to church."

"That's not good," Jensen sighs.

"It'll be okay," Mackenzie says quietly. "It has to be. They can't be so stupid that they'll let you walk out of their lives over something so trivial."

"It's not trivial to them," Jensen points out.

"It should be!"

"I'm just glad you're not vilifying me," Jensen says, crawling back into bed. He can't see any reason to get up just yet.

"I'm not stuck in the 1970s," she replies. "Come on, get your ass back out of bed and have a shower. You look like hell."

~

Jensen's showered and dressed by the time his parents get home. He hadn't been planning to make that ultimatum last night, but he's glad he did—he's never going to change such an important part of himself, and if his parents can't handle it, that's their problem, not his.

He's eating breakfast when they come in. Admittedly it's more like lunchtime, but Jensen couldn't be bothered making sandwiches when he could just pour cereal.

"Hello," he says calmly. He's a fucking adult, he doesn't need to let his parents' bigoted views affect him anymore, so he just keeps spooning cereal into his mouth as they come and sit down at the table with him. "Jared's going to be here at about five, so if you want me to leave, I will."

"Where will you go?" his dad asks, frowning.

"Jared's place. San Antonio. His parents are fine with it."

"You don't have to," his mom says, sounding upset. "Jensen, we don't want you to leave. But—"

"If you're okay with me being gay, if you can say, 'Jensen, we love you no matter what, and are happy for you,' and I believe you, then I'll stay."

"This isn't easy for us," his dad says. "You know how we feel about—you know."

"Can't even say it, can you?" Jensen says bitterly, then sighs, putting his spoon down. "You think it's easy for me? Don't you understand? I stayed away from you for _two years_ because I was afraid of what you'd say!"

"Jensen—"

"I was scared. _Of my family_. Stupid, right? How could I be scared of my parents? I should be able to tell you guys anything. I shouldn't have to worry about what you'll think of me, because you love me, right? But it seems I had justification." He stands and takes his bowl over to the sink, rinses it out, and puts it in the dishwasher. "I'm going for a walk. I've got my cellphone with me."

"Jensen!" his mom calls after him.

"Let him go," he hears his dad say as he leaves. He stands outside the kitchen door for a few minutes and hears them arguing, hears his mom saying she can't stand it, can't stand that her son is one of _them_, and his dad agrees. Jensen bites his lip when he hears his father talk about programs he's heard about, programs which promise to make gay people straight.

He doesn't need to hear anything else; he goes up to his room to grab his backpack, and leaves the house. There's a small park about fifteen minutes walk from the house, and when he gets there he lies down on the grass in the warm afternoon sun, plugging his mp3 player in and trying to block out the world for a while.

He falls asleep eventually, his book over his face, and only wakes up when his cellphone buzzes in his pocket. It's Jared, and he's immensely relieved to be talking to him. He'd messaged him with his parents' reaction, but hadn't had a reply and figured Jared was probably driving.

"Hey," he says quietly. "How far away are you?"

"An hour, tops," Jared replies. "You doing okay?"

Jensen rubs a hand over his face, dislodging his glasses. He's really, really not, but he just has to hold it together until Jared gets here and they can leave. "Yeah," he chokes out, "I'm okay."

"No, you're not," Jared says, sounding a little broken himself. "Just hang tight, okay? It'll be fine."

"So what did your parents say?" Jensen asks, trying to change the subject a little. He likes listening to Jared's voice; it's calming and reassuring, and Jensen can feel tension starting to drain a little just hearing the babble on the other end of the line.

"Oh man, I was so scared to tell them! But I was on the phone with mom last night and she's got some kind of sixth sense, man! Must be from being a teacher or something. And she asked me what was wrong, and I wasn't going to tell her until I got there, but she's really good at making me talk. Although making me talk isn't really difficult, I would be the worst spy in the world because you just have to poke me and I start yapping! Anyway. So I told her about Sandy and she was all sad for me but then I said it was okay, I'd met someone else, and then I had to reassure her that it wasn't a rebound, and then I finally got around to saying that I'm seeing a guy. And she was quiet for ages, I thought she'd dropped the phone or something, but she just said, 'oh, okay,' like it was nothing, and then I asked if you could come stay with us if you needed to and she said that was fine! Man, I freaked out over nothing."

"Glad to hear it," Jensen replies. "And your dad?"

"He was a bit wary when I arrived, asked me why I'd want to be gay when I could be straight, then I showed them a picture of you and mom said she totally understood."

"You ass," Jensen says, laughing.

"Swear to God! Megan thinks you're hot, too. Saw your photo on my Facebook and asked me if you're bi as well or just plain old gay."

"Your family sounds awesome," Jensen says. "And they're okay with me staying for the week? Seriously?"

"Seriously! They even said you could stay in the other twin bed in my room. I was thinking they'd make you sleep in the crappy sofa bed pullout on the other side of the house, but apparently being twenty-one gives you privileges your eighteen year old sister who's still a freshman doesn't get to have. And lucky for you, she won't be there because her school had Spring Break last week."

"Can't wait for you to get here," Jensen sighs. "The only person who hasn't made me feel like an outcast is my sister. She offered to let me stay with her in the dorms at UT Austin if I needed to."

"Glad to hear you've got someone looking after you," Jared says quietly. "Sorry, I gotta go. Be there in an hour, okay?"

Jensen gives Jared directions to the park he's in and hangs up, smiling properly for the first time in days.

~

Just over an hour later, an unfamiliar truck pulls up at the side of the road, and Jensen recognizes Jared behind the wheel. Jared sees him and leaps out of the truck, rushing over to him and wrapping him up in a bear hug that has Jensen's feet dangling in the air as he laughs and gasps for breath.

"Thank you so much for coming," Jensen mumbles into Jared's shirt. He doesn't want to let go; he inhales deeply, taking in Jared's scent, and hugs him tightly.

"I'm just glad I'm from San Antonio and not, like, New York or something. That would have been a bit of a challenge!" Jared's still laughing when Jensen tugs him down for a quick kiss which turns passionate and deep after only a moment.

"Hey, let's save it for when we're in private," Jared says softly, reluctantly loosening his hold on Jensen.

"Yeah," Jensen replies. "C'mon, let's go face the music."

Jared chatters incessantly during the short drive to Jensen's house. Apparently the trip from San Antonio wasn't all that great, with so many colleges in state having their Spring Break at the same time, and there were cars all over the road. "So we probably won't be home until about ten, but we can stop for dinner on the way."

"Yeah, sounds good," Jensen says absently. They're almost at his place, and he's trying to keep the increasing panic from overwhelming him. Jared's being unusually perceptive, and he pulls over a block before Jensen's house.

"Hey, c'mere," he says, undoing his seatbelt and leaning over to give Jensen a hug.

"I heard dad saying they could send me to a conversion place. Mom said she can't stand me being gay. They _hate_ me."

"No, shit man, they don't hate you, they just don't understand."

"Are you sure you want to meet them? We've only been together for a couple of weeks, and now you're meeting my parents? C'mon, man, that's insane!" Jensen's babbling, he knows it, but he can't seem to stop. "They'll probably just judge you too. You should probably wait in the car and I'll go grab my bags and meet you outside so you don't have to talk to them."

"No way," Jared says firmly. "I said I'd be there, and I'm gonna be there."

Jensen gives up. "Okay."

"You ready?"

"As I'll ever be, I guess." Jensen grimaces, and Jared pats him on the knee as they pull up outside the house.

They pause in the hallway; Jensen can hear his parents' voices coming from the living room. Jared slides his hand into Jensen's, and Jensen clutches it tight, drawing strength from him. He's about to let go and go into the living room, but Jared shakes his head, holding on.

"Why pretend?" he asks, and Jensen smiles a little shakily at him before opening the door to the living room.

"Mom? Dad?"

His parents look up at him and frown to see him holding hands with Jared. "Jensen," his mom says carefully, her face creasing up with worry and disapproval.

"This is Jared," Jensen say.

Jared waves a little nervously. "Hi," he says, exhibiting a shyness that Jensen's never encountered in him before.

Neither of his parents reply to him, and his dad closes his newspaper and clears his throat. "Jensen, can we talk to you alone for a moment?" he says quietly. It's not a question, it's a command, and Jensen almost wants to insist on Jared being there just to be recalcitrant.

"I'll wait in the hall," Jared says quietly, squeezing his hand briefly before letting go and leaving the room.

"What is it?" Jensen asks. He tries not to be defensive; he wants to give his parents the chance to come around, give them the chance to accept him.

"You know we love you no matter what," his mom starts, wringing her hands nervously, and Jensen frowns.

"I _thought_ you did," he says, looking down at his feet.

"We do!" she replies, reaching out to him and pulling him close. He sits down on the sofa next to her, wondering what they're going to say now.

"But we can't have this sort of thing," his dad says, looking at him over the tops of his glasses. "Not in this house, not in this family."

"Okay," Jensen mumbles. "I guess I'll be going then." He starts to stand up, but his mom touches his arm.

"Wait," she says quickly. "We—Jensen, we want to help you."

"Help me? How?" he asks, already knowing what their answer is going to be.

"There are programs," his dad says. "Programs which help you find your way back to the right path. There are people who can help you change."

"But I don't want to change!" Jensen says loudly. "I'm happy!"

"Don't shout," his mom says sharply.

"No. You know what?" Jensen stands up. "I'm twenty-four, now. I have a life, a job, up in Oregon. I have friends. I have a boyfriend. What makes you think I'm going to submit myself to a program which will force me to change the best thing in my life? _What gives you the right?_"

"Because we know what's best for you!" his dad yells.

Jensen almost wants to laugh. "No," he says, "you don't. Excuse me." Without another word, he leaves the room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

"I was eavesdropping," Jared confesses immediately, his forehead wrinkled with worry. "Shit, Jensen—are you okay?"

"Let's get out of here," Jensen says, gritting his teeth. He's not going to cry, he _isn't_. Not until they're well away from the house, anyway. Jared follows him upstairs, and together they quickly pack the few things Jensen had taken out of his suitcase. Neither of his parents come upstairs to try to change his mind, no matter how much Jensen wishes they would. He's ready to go within minutes, and he glances around the room he spent so many years in. He wonders if he'll ever come back for his childhood things—his stuffed animals, his GI Joe toys, his trucks, all carefully stored away in boxes in the closet.

"Ready?" Jared asks.

"Almost," Jensen replies. "Gotta tell Mackenzie."

"That Mackenzie?" Jared asks, and Jensen turns to see his sister standing in the doorway, looking upset.

"Oh. Yeah. Um, Mackenzie, this is Jared. Jared, my sister."

"Yeah, I figured," Jared says, grinning. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," she says, smiling briefly before coming in and standing in front of Jensen. "You're going, aren't you? They—they wouldn't come around."

"They might," Jensen says. "One day."

"They fucking _better_," Mackenzie says fiercely, wrapping her arms around Jensen and hugging him tightly. "I'll see if I can talk them around a bit, okay?"

"Thanks," Jensen says dully, sitting down on the bed. He had been worried he was going to cry, but all he feels right now is emptiness and an ache in his chest.

"You wanna go now?" Jared asks, after a moment. Jensen glances up and nods. The sooner he gets out of here, the sooner he can relax and maybe even enjoy what's left of his Spring Break.

His parents don't come out to see them off. He and Jared pack his things into the truck, and Jensen gives Mackenzie a hug and a promise to call before climbing in. Both he and Jared are quiet as they drive away; Jensen stares out the passenger window at the familiar streets going past, wondering if he's ever going to come here again.

"You'll see them again," Jared says quietly. Jensen doesn't look at him, just nods, feeling hopeless. Why does who he is have to be so abhorrent to his parents? Why can't they see past something that they don't necessarily like or understand, and just be happy for him?

"Why do they define me by who I love?" he bursts out with. "Why can't they just be happy that I _love_ someone? Why should it matter that it's a guy? It doesn't affect them in any way at _all_."

"I know," Jared sighs. "I—wait." He pulls over and cuts the engine, and Jensen glances at him. His face is set in a frown, and he's biting his lip.

"Jared?" he asks, tentatively.

"You love me?" Jared says in a small voice.

_Shit._ "Um. Kinda, yeah," he admits, blushing bright red. He hadn't been expecting to have to confess so early in the relationship. What if Jared panics? Takes him back to his house, tells him they're moving too fast, that he doesn't want this? Jensen turns back to the window and leans his forehead against the glass, staring out the window at a couple walking down the road, hand in hand. He wants to be able to do that with Jared one day. He's about to turn to Jared, tell him to just ignore him, that he's just feeling a bit over-emotional, when he feels a hand on his leg.

"Hey," Jared says, his other hand coming up to touch Jensen's face and turn him around. "I love you, too." He's smiling bright enough to break through Jensen's cloudy mood, and he can't help but grin back and lean in for a kiss. Maybe everything _is_ going to be okay.

[PART FIVE, EPILOGUE, AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060965.html)


	5. Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Five and Epilogue

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |   
[big bang](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/big%20bang), [fic](http://annella.livejournal.com/tag/fic)  
  
---|---  
  
_**Counting the Steps to the Door of Your Heart, Part Five and Epilogue**_  
[Master Post](http://annella.livejournal.com/1061203.html) | [Part One](http://annella.livejournal.com/1059994.html) | [Part Two](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060294.html) | [Part Three](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060568.html) | [Part Four](http://annella.livejournal.com/1060827.html) | **Part Five, Epilogue, and Acknowledgements**

At some point, Jensen makes Jared pull over to let him drive. It's only fair; Jared drove all the way from San Antonio in less than four hours, and he's got to be exhausted. It doesn't take long for Jared to fall asleep in the passenger seat, his head pillowed on a hoodie and his mouth open a little as he snores. He doesn't seem real; how has Jensen been lucky enough to find this guy?

"You're starin'," Jared slurs, shifting in his seat but keeping his eyes closed.

"Just thinking," Jensen replies quietly. It's nearly eight, and he's starving; next place he sees that's open, he's going to pull over.

"Don't think too hard," Jared says, "'cause I ain't going anywhere."

Jensen suddenly laughs, and Jared sits up, blinking at him. "What?"

"Just... you, man." Jensen shakes his head, still chuckling. "You were so freaking blind when we met. It was months before you realized that I, well, y'know." He makes a gesture which is supposed to signify _was in love with you_. "And now you can practically read my mind."

"It's 'cause we're going out," Jared replies, yawning hugely. He scratches his belly, and Jensen glances down at the brief hint of skin revealed. "I can read you like a fucking _book_."

"Freak," Jensen mutters, and Jared laughs softly.

"_Your_ freak."

They drive in silence for a few more minutes, and then Jensen suddenly sees a sign for a truckstop diner. "Thank God," Jared moans, "I thought my stomach was going to eat itself!"

"You didn't say anything," Jensen says, amused. Jared isn't usually shy about proclaiming his hunger.

"I was about to," Jared says, leaping out of the truck and pulling his hoodie back on. "I feel like I have ferrets in my tummy, man. Hungry ferrets running around in there and eating everything!"

"Did you forget to pack food with you or something?" Jensen asks.

"Candy makes me feel kinda sick if I eat too much of it on an empty stomach," Jared confesses. "And I ran out of jerky and Doritos halfway to Dallas! I'd been planning to stop and buy more but then you called and I kinda wanted to get there as soon as possible, and then I completely forgot when we left Dallas that I didn't have any food, and now, holy crap, I'm going to die if I don't eat something that's not made of sugar or reconstituted potato."

"They probably have burgers," Jensen says, pointing at the giant sign with BURGERS flashing in fluorescent lights.

"Thank God," Jared groans, and Jensen watches, wide-eyed, as he orders half the menu. The waitress seems surprised as well, but when he rounds his order off with a wink and a wide smile, she just giggles and turns to Jensen to take his.

"Flirt," Jensen says after she's gone, knocking his foot against Jared's under the table.

"Shut up," Jared says easily, clamping Jensen's foot between both of his own and pinning it to the ground. "You could get free drinks wherever you go if you smiled at people!"

Jensen squirms, uncomfortable. "I don't like doing that," he admits. "It makes me feel stupid and kinda cheap."

"Free drinks!" Jared says again. "Hell, I'd buy you a drink if you smiled at me!"

"You'd buy me a drink because you're my _boyfriend_," Jensen points out. "And then I'd buy _you_ a drink, and we'd be even."

"You're such an ass," Jared sighs, leaning back in the booth and lacing his hands behind his head. "Fuck, I'm so tired. How far did we get while I was sleeping?"

"You were out for about an hour. We should be there a bit after ten, I think."

Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival of food, and Jared moans indecently when he sees his plate piled high with cheeseburger, fries, mashed potatoes with gravy, a bowl of chili, and a chicken fried steak so big it needs a separate plate of its own.

"You're joking, right?" Jensen says, staring at the array of food before him. His own burger and fries seem pitiful in comparison.

"I'm a growing boy," Jared points out, getting busy with knife and fork, and Jensen just watches him in awe as the food vanishes. Jared even uses the last of his bread rolls to wipe up the remains of the chili sauce.

"I wish I'd filmed that," Jensen eventually says, after Jared's polished off a piece of apple pie.

"Hadn't eaten real food since this morning," Jared groans, and sits back, loosening his belt and undoing the top button of his jeans. He burps loudly, covering his mouth and mumbling, "'Scuse me."

"You ready to get going again?" Jensen asks, digging his wallet out of his pocket and tossing a few bills on the table.

"Can't move," Jared whimpers. "Gimme... half an hour. Maybe an hour."

"Idiot," Jensen says fondly. "C'mon, I promise not to drive over any bumps."

Jared groans all the way to the truck, but Jensen's pretty sure it's all just an act. At least, he hopes it is; he's never been very good when it comes to people throwing up in his vicinity. Jared slides into the passenger seat and promptly undoes his belt and pants, breathing out and sighing with relief. Jensen tries not to stare—he really does, it's not like Jared's teasing him, he's just loosening his pants—but it's difficult when Jensen can almost see the shape of Jared's cock in the dim light of the truck.

"Perv," Jared mumbles. "No fucking _way_ are we doing anything right now, unless you want me to puke on you."

"Jerk," Jensen replies, his cheeks flushing, and he starts up the truck and pulls out of the parking lot.

~

It's close to eleven by the time they pull up outside Jared's parents' house in San Antonio. Jensen's exhausted; all he wants to do is collapse into bed, preferably with Jared wrapped around him, and he's immensely relieved when Jared quietly opens the door and the house is dark.

"They've gone to bed," he whispers. "C'mon, you can meet them in the morning."

"Thank God," Jensen replies, going to get his bags out of the truck. "Not that I don't want to meet them, but it's been a long day."

"Tell me about it," Jared says, his mouth wide open in a jaw-cracking yawn. "I was in Portland this morning, and now I've driven from San Antonio to Dallas and back again! I could sleep for a week."

They make their way upstairs quietly, and Jared guides Jensen towards his room. He doesn't notice much except the bed that Jared points to, and it takes all his energy to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth before pulling back the covers and sliding in.

"G'night," Jared says, leaning over and kissing him, and Jensen takes a moment to be impressed by Jared's stamina before he drifts off to sleep.

~

Waking up in a bed not your own is always a little strange. Jensen groans and rubs his eyes, feeling wrung out from sleeping for what feels like an entire day, and glances around the room. It looks like a spare room; two twin beds with a desk between them and a small chest of drawers in the corner next to a chair. It's surprisingly empty of anything that says it's Jared's room, except for the snoring shape in the bed not far from Jensen.

He checks the time; just after midday. He can hear noises from downstairs, people moving around, occasional muffled voices, but he doesn't particularly want to go and greet Jared's family yet. Instead, he tosses the covers back and gets out of bed, quietly padding across the room to Jared's bed and looking down at him.

Jared looks like a small boy when he's asleep. Mouth open, hair askew, hands curled into fists next to his face like he's about to start sucking a thumb. He's way too big for the bed; his feet stick all the way out over the end, and he's sprawled across the entire mattress. This doesn't stop Jensen from pulling the covers back and sliding in next to him, clinging to Jared's body to stop himself falling off the bed.

Jared wakes up slowly, mumbling and groaning as he forces his eyes open. "Mmm," he mumbles. "Morning." He yawns widely in Jensen's face.

"Afternoon, actually," Jensen corrects, snuggling closer to Jared. He's right on the edge of the bed, and uses the excuse to wrap his arms and legs around Jared, tangling them together. It's ridiculously warm under the covers with Jared doing his usual human furnace thing, but Jensen doesn't care, especially when Jared slips a thigh between his legs.

"Fuck," Jared mutters, "I love that you sleep naked. No stupid underwear to get past." He reaches down and wraps his hand around Jensen's dick, which immediately starts to show interest in the proceedings.

"Pity you haven't taken up the habit," Jensen gasps out, thrusting his hips into Jared's hand as he fumbles with Jared's underwear, tugging it down to get his cock out.

It's too tight a space to do anything except rub against each other, gasping heated kisses into each other's mouths, more a sharing of breath and noise than actual kisses. Jared buries his head in Jensen's neck and moans softly as he comes, and Jensen follows quickly.

They lie there for a few minutes, sharing soft kisses, before Jensen tosses the covers back and gets out of bed. He's sweaty, covered in come, is dying for a piss, and needs the longest shower of his life, but he's feeling happy for the first time in days. He knows it's not going to last too long; at some point in the near future, he's probably going to completely break down over his parents' inability to accept him, but for now, he's going to enjoy his time with Jared.

"Fuck, that's a good view," Jared murmurs, and Jensen realizes he's been standing naked in the middle of Jared's room for a few moments, deep in thought. He grins and goes to the dresser to grab some tissues, tossing some in Jared's direction before cleaning himself up as best he can.

"Bathroom?" he asks, picking up the towel someone had carefully laid out on the dresser the night before. Jared points to the left, and Jensen's about to leave the room, the towel wrapped around his waist, when there's a knock at the door.

"Jared? You boys awake?"

"Shit," Jensen mutters, tossing the towel on the bed and diving under the covers. He doesn't particularly want to meet Jared's mom while wearing only a towel. Naked in bed is a small step up—and at least he's not in _Jared's_ bed.

"We're up," Jared calls back, "but can you let us get showered and dressed before I subject Jensen to you all?"

There's an amused sound from the other side of the door. "Sure," Jared's mom replies. "Come downstairs when you're presentable."

"Thank you," Jensen says gratefully after she's gone. He'd really like to _not_ have Jared's come drying in his pubes when he meets the parents.

"C'mon, let's shower. I'm _starving_."

"I'm not surprised," Jensen says, getting out of bed and grabbing the towel again. "You haven't eaten in twelve hours."

~

Jared's parents are ridiculously happy to meet Jensen. It's a bit weird; Jared's mom hugs him, his dad shakes his hand enthusiastically, and no one seems at all concerned that he's Jared's _boyfriend_.

"We were so happy to hear Jared had met someone new," Jared's mom gushes over brunch. Jensen smiles around a mouthful of pancakes; he's a bit surprised to hear it, because why would his parents be happy to hear that their son had hooked up with a guy instead of trying to fix things with his girlfriend of five years? He doesn't complain, though, and answers all their questions about his aspirations and hobbies without flinching. It gets a bit hard when Jared's dad asks about his family, and he looks down at his plate, swallowing with some difficulty while listening to Jared explain quietly that he'd rather not discuss it right now.

"Excuse me," he says, suddenly needing some space, and he pushes his chair back, rushing out of the room and upstairs. He sits on Jared's bed and buries his face in his hands, breathing deeply and trying to get some control over himself. He'd really been hoping to make it through the week without thinking too much about his parents, but he hasn't even got through an entire day.

The door opens and Jared comes in quietly, sitting next to Jensen. "Hey, you okay?" he asks softly, rubbing Jensen's back.

"Yeah. No. I just—" Jensen wipes his face with the back of his hand. "Your parents are so nice, and they've been awesome about letting me stay, I'm sorry I just ran out of there, it was—"

"No, no way," Jared interrupts. "It's okay. They didn't know how bad it was with your parents, and I told them, hope you don't mind."

"I just don't get why they're being so nice to me. Why don't they mind that you and Sandy broke up? I thought they'd be all sad about it."

Jared shrugs. "I think because they knew we were gonna break up. For, like, the past year or something. And c'mon, man, how could they _not_ like you?"

"Shut up," Jensen says, blushing. "It's not my fault I'm stupidly insecure."

"Your parents will come around," Jared says quietly, nailing the entire issue on the head.

"I thought I could live with them not accepting me," Jensen whispers, his voice shaking. "I really thought I could. I said to myself, 'I live up north all the time, I never see them, I never _need_ to see them,' but it didn't work."

"Give them some time," Jared advises. "They'll realize they've done you wrong. Maybe you'll be able to come to a compromise."

"But I don't _want_ to compromise," Jensen says firmly. "I don't want to pretend to be straight when I'm around them, I don't want to not be allowed to invite you to family events which Josh and Mackenzie are allowed to bring partners to. I don't want my family ignoring something that's such an important part of me!"

"I know," Jared says, leaning his head on Jensen's shoulder. They're silent for a few minutes, and Jensen starts to feel calm again, aided by the steady rub of Jared's hand on his back. "C'mon," Jared says eventually, "come have some more food."

~

The rest of the time spent at Jared's is wonderfully relaxing; just what Jensen needed from his Spring Break. He's starting his first ever hospital placement when he gets back, and even though he's as prepared as he can possibly be, he still breaks out in a cold sweat whenever he thinks about it. Jared does his best to distract him, taking him to all his favorite places in San Antonio—his old school, the places where he and his friends always went to eat, and the best places just out of town where they can lie in the back of the truck with the sun beating down on them, talking and laughing and making out.

No more is said about Jensen's parents; Jared's dad apologizes for raising it, which Jensen thanks him for, and that's the end of it. Jensen exchanges a few texts with his sister, but there's been no communication from his parents. He hopes the silence means they're thinking really hard about their decision, and it's not a sign that they're quite happy with Jensen out of their lives.

The weekend comes about all too quickly, and before Jensen knows it, he and Jared are packing their bags and getting ready to leave.

"Come back any time!" Sherri says, giving Jensen a bone-crushing hug and a kiss on the cheek. "And I hope things work out with your parents."

"Thanks," Jensen says, still feeling slightly awkward with how affectionate Jared's parents have been.

"Good luck with your work," Gerald says, shaking his hand firmly before pulling him into a hug. He's taller than Jared, and Jensen nearly gets the wind knocked out of him.

"Dad, let him go," Jared says, amused, and Jensen coughs as the air rushes back into his lungs.

"Thanks," he says again. "It's been... yeah. Thank you so much."

"Oh honey," Sherri sighs, "I hope your parents come around. I'm sure they will once they realize what they're missing out on!" Gerald nods and agrees, and Jensen feels ridiculously happy.

"I love your family," Jensen says jokingly as they go through security, after endless farewells. "Can I keep them?"

"Hell, I think they wanna trade me in!" Jared says, laughing. He takes Jensen's hand and they walk towards the plane together.

~

Jensen plunges into work the moment he gets back. He's relieved to have the distraction; Providence St. Vincent hospital is a huge and confusing place, and it takes all Jensen's effort not to feel like he's drowning under the constant barrage of new information. He's in the orthopedic ward most of the time, assisting one of the hospital physical therapists with her work rehabilitating accident victims.

It's rewarding, watching someone who has been in a hospital bed for almost two months with two smashed legs managing to take their first unassisted steps since an accident that changed their life; helping someone work day after day to regain the strength and skills they used to have. Rewarding, and exhausting.

He spends most nights with Jared, driving home from Portland and collapsing on the couch in a state of exhaustion, eating frozen pizza for dinner before heading to Jared's for an evening of watching television, idle talking, and making out on his bed. Jensen doesn't think he's ever going to get tired of making out with Jared.

All in all, his life's going pretty well. He and Jared are going strong—fuck, the sex is _amazing_—and he's feeling really good about his work. He's _happy_, and is determined not to let anything stop him from feeling this way.

Three weeks into his placement, his mom calls.

It's been a hellishly long day. Jensen's been moved to the children's ward, and while he'd always thought it would be awesome to help sick kids walk again, it's a thousand times tougher and more stressful than working with adults. The kids _hate_ their physical therapy sessions; they scream and cry and whine, even if their moms or dads are there to help them out, and after only two days of it, Jensen feels like his head is spinning and his ears are ringing non-stop.

He stumbles through the door at half past six, a bag of takeout clutched in one hand and his jacket and keys in the other, looking forward to a night of sitting on the couch and then going to bed early. The phone starts to ring, he doesn't bother checking who it is before he picks up.

"Hello?"

"Jensen? It's—it's mom."

Jensen sits down on the couch. "Oh. Um, hi."

"How are you doing, sweetie?"

"I'm really good, actually," he says, and is surprised how sincere he is. It's not a lie—he _is_ good. He's enjoying his work, his friends, his boyfriend, and there's almost nothing he'd change about his life right now.

"I'm glad, honey," his mom says quietly.

Jensen doesn't know what to say. Do you still want to send me to conversion camp? Are you ever going to accept me? So, how's that homophobia going?

"Jensen, I'm sorry," his mom continues, like there hadn't just been an awkward pause.

"For what?" he asks, unable to keep cynicism out of his voice.

"For not being able to accept you when you told us the truth," she replies. "For making you think I don't love you unconditionally."

"You mean—"

"I don't understand it, Lord knows," she continues, "but just because I don't understand something doesn't make it wrong."

"Your church says it's wrong," Jensen says bitterly.

"When it comes to a choice between my son and my church," she says softly, "I"m going to choose my son."

Jensen closes his eyes and rubs a hand over his face. "Thanks," he mumbles.

"I just... you _are_ happy, aren't you?" his mom asks. "You've always been so down on yourself, so determined not to fit in, so sure that no one would want to bother with you."

"No, mom," Jensen says. "I mean yeah, I used to be like that, but Jared... he made me realize my place in the world. Which sounds really corny, I know, but it's true. I never really felt like I fit in before I met him."

"I'm happy for you," she says, and Jensen believes her.

~

"So she's okay with you being gay?" Jared asks. They're curled up on his bed, watching Season 1 of Battlestar Galactica. Chad downloaded the first season and burned it onto DVD, but Jensen's not too sure if it's his sort of thing. He likes his science fiction not to take itself too seriously.

"Not so much," he replies, shifting around so he can rest his head on Jared's shoulder. "But she doesn't hate me or want to send me to Jesus camp, so it's a start."

"You gonna be okay with that?"

Jensen thinks for a moment. "Yeah. I am."

"Good," Jared murmurs, leaning down to kiss him.

  
**EPILOGUE**

  
"Oh, crap," Jensen says, looking at the stairs ahead of him.

"What, your amazing Dalek can't fly?" Jared asks, smothering a laugh.

"Not funny, jerk," Jensen sighs. "No elevator over here; we'll have to carry it up."

"There's gotta be an elevator," Jared groans. "That thing weighs a fucking ton!"

"Come on, old man," Jensen teases him. "It's only a few stairs."

Thankfully, it _is_ only a few stairs, and once they make it to the top, Jensen opens up the front of the Dalek to climb inside.

"You're gonna let me have a turn, right?" Jared asks, his eyes shining with excitement.

"I'll think about it," Jensen says, closing the lid and grinning as he peers through the narrow slots and switches the voice modulator on. "EXTERMINATE!" he yells, and feels a thrill of excitement when a small child screams in response.

"Dude, that was awesome," Jared says, walking along beside him as they pass through the crowds. Jensen keeps having to stop to have his photo taken with people, and he's having the time of his life.

"My turn, my turn," Jared whines after half an hour or so, and despite the ache in his legs from being unable to move much for so long, Jensen's reluctant to relinquish the costume. He enjoys being the center of attention, while at the same time being completely hidden away; it's freeing, in a way.

"FINE," he says, and Jared claps his hands with glee. "BUT IF YOU DAMAGE IT, I SWEAR TO GOD..."

"Shut up," Jared says fondly, and pops the head open. "C'mon, I've always wanted to dress up for Comic Con!"

"Don't you want to go to any of the panels?" Jensen asks, stretching his sore muscles as Jared attempts to fold himself into the costume.

"Later," Jared says, closing the headpiece. "FIRST I WANNA RUN AROUND AND EXTERMINATE THINGS!"

"Ass," Jensen says fondly, and they make their way once again into the crowds.

"SHUT UP, YOU LOVE ME," Jared responds, and Jensen bursts out laughing.

END

~

[DOWNLOAD THE AUDIOFIC](http://community.livejournal.com/amplificathon/287612.html), read by [](http://pennyplainknits.livejournal.com/profile)[**pennyplainknits**](http://pennyplainknits.livejournal.com/).

This story would not have been possible without various people. So, in no particular order, I would like to thank [](http://eireinn.livejournal.com/profile)[**eireinn**](http://eireinn.livejournal.com/), [](http://agt-bush.livejournal.com/profile)[**agt_bush**](http://agt-bush.livejournal.com/), [](http://earthquakedream.livejournal.com/profile)[**earthquakedream**](http://earthquakedream.livejournal.com/) and [](http://vorpalblades.livejournal.com/profile)[**vorpalblades**](http://vorpalblades.livejournal.com/) for the help, beta-ing, idea-bouncing, and endless encouragement. I would also like to thank everyone on my f-list who ever gave me an encouraging comment, a helpful hint, and told me constantly how much they were looking forward to this. Also, a HUGE thank you to [](http://seventhpage.livejournal.com/profile)[**seventhpage**](http://seventhpage.livejournal.com/) for her amazing artwork, which you can check out [HERE](http://community.livejournal.com/paper_autumn/25956.html). IT'S SO FANTASTIC! Finally, thank you to [](http://wendy.livejournal.com/profile)[**wendy**](http://wendy.livejournal.com/), [](http://audrarose.livejournal.com/profile)[**audrarose**](http://audrarose.livejournal.com/) and [](http://thehighwaywoman.livejournal.com/profile)[**thehighwaywoman**](http://thehighwaywoman.livejournal.com/) for running this entire thing. ♥♥♥!!

And thank YOU all for reading! I hope you enjoyed. :D


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